FBI Officially Declares Peanut Butter A ‘Gateway Drug' To Jellies, Jam

Seattle, WA

The Seattle office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation today announced it is adding peanut butter to the list of so-called "gateway drugs" like marijuana, that can lead to the abuse of other, higher classes of drugs.

Gateway drugs are those habit-forming substances (like peanut butter) whose frequent abuse may lead to the abuse of drugs that are more addictive and/or more dangerous.

Over the past six months, according to FBI data, the numbers of cats being arrested for peanut butter abuse overall has declined. As cats develop a tolerance for the effectiveness of the peanut butter, they begin to seek out new drugs and “higher highs” according to sources.

The result is an astonishing 35% increase in the number of arrests stemming from the abuse of jams and jellies.


Wally admitted he once “passed out” after eating too much peanut butter

“I got so used to doing peanut butter on a daily basis that I didn’t taste it anymore,” said Wally, a 9-year-old, neutered, unemployed Russian Blue. “I needed a hit, so I turned to free-basing strawberry jam.”

Wally has been living in a crack house for the past 11 months and began his foray into jam abuse by using Smucker’s red raspberry before moving up to sugar-free strawberry preserves just last month.

Some cats and kittens have said in the past that peanut butter is harmless, but the American Medical Association is not one of them.

According to them, cats who do peanut butter are 9 to 10 times more likely to move on to Nutella, almond butter, or thick, rich jellies and jams.

This is now also the formal opinion of the FBI, who published their conclusions from a recent study in Peanut Butter Abuse by the Numbers, an internal-use-only publication funded by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.


Wally was rescued from a crack house just today

Warning labels are already affixed to jars of peanut butter deemed strong enough to attract rampant abuse. Among the most commonly abused are: Skippy Reduced Fat Super Chunk, Peter Pan Chunky, and JIF Creamy.

No one is for certain how long a cat would use peanut butter before turning to jam, but one thing is certain, it has begun.

The crack house where Wally was extricated just this morning had over 233 empty and smashed plastic tubs and glass jars of peanut butter, various black-light posters, and a black velvet painting of John F. Kennedy.


These wide-eyed, tweaking, jelly addicts were rescued from the crack house and are now safe

A seemingly endless supply of needles was found scattered around the house containing apricot and seedless blackberry jams. One cat was found drooling and petting himself on a worn out cot, licking a spoon that had long been empty.

Sixteen cats were rescued from the dilapidated home and over 100 empty jars of assorted jams and jellies were confiscated by the Seattle Police Narcotics Department in cooperation with the FBI.

“Things could escalate here if we are not careful,” said FBI liaison Mike Swift, a 21-year veteran of the Bureau. “We have to stop this quick before cats move on to fruit leather or worse.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Grocery Cart Teased At Local Playground

Lynnwood, WA

It was a beautiful sunny day and Garret, a 3-year-old, blue and plastic Shopping Cart decided he was going to do something different and have some fun.

Going against his strong work ethic, he left his job at Albertson’s early and rolled over a half mile to nearby Daleway Park in Lynnwood. Once he got there however, he sadly discovered he was incompatible with most of the playground equipment.

“I couldn’t get on the slide,” Garret lamented. “My wheels prevented me from climbing up it. I tried to get on a swing but I couldn’t roll in the sand…All the kids were laughing at me.”


Garret’s domestic partner Caleb felt ‘bad’ for him

Garret’s domestic partner Caleb, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, met him at the park after Garret called him and invited him to join him there to play.

“He’s been depressed lately, I feel bad for him,” Caleb told the Gazette. “He lost his best friend a few weeks ago and it made him realize that he needs to have more fun in life. I think he just wanted to play with the kids. I don’t think he thought about the mechanics of it though.”

Indeed, on June 7th, the Gazette reported that his friend and co-worker Augustine, a 4-year-old, blue and plastic Shopping Cart had taken his own life in the back alley behind the store where they worked.


Garret was teased due to his inability to play on these toys as others did

After small children and a few squirrels threw pinecones and sand at him, Garret (with the assistance of Caleb) got out of the sand pit and returned to the outskirts of the park to watch.

“I don’t understand why parks are not made so that everyone can play here together,” said Garret. “They have special swings for squirrels, with seatbelts and padding, but the Parks and Recreation people make no efforts to make them cart-accessible.”

A spokesperson from the City of Lynnwood said that the city does its best to try to make all parks and picnic areas accessible to everyone and issued an apology on behalf of the sad grocery cart.


Garret was forced to stand back at the edge of the park and watch

“They called me ‘wheelie’ and said I was boxy,” Garret said. “That hurt my feelings, they made me feel like I didn’t belong. I just wanted to be a part of something fun.”

As for Garret’s domestic partner Caleb, he said that he has plans to remodel the backyard of their home now that he knows what will make Garret happy. He plans to build a Shopping Cart-compatible swing set for them and also perhaps, a see-saw.

“I just didn’t know that he had a fun side like this before we lost Augustine,” Caleb said. “Now I know how he feels, I can create a relaxing, private play area for him to come home to after a hard days work.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Young Kitten Spanked In Auburn

Auburn, WA

The busy shopping crowd at the Auburn Wal-Mart store was shocked today by the behavior of one cat who spanked her kitten not once, but three times before finally stopping.

Malibu, a 13-year-old, Domestic Short Hair Tuxedo Cat, is a retired pommel horse gymnast and currently teaches third graders at Lynndale Elementary School.

The incident took place in the swimming toy aisle when her kitten, Jack, a 2-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, began to wail and cry after his mom denied purchasing him a giant pool noodle.


Malibu said her son was driving her to drink

Witnesses said Malibu ‘walloped’ him a good three times before he noticed and started bawling his eyes out. Embarrassed, Malibu then drove her cart to the checkout line as fast as possible.

While many cats approve of spanking their kittens and/or cats, some experts say it is decidedly the wrong thing to do and can teach them a bad lesson.

Spanking only stops misbehavior momentarily. The bad behavior usually resumes because the kitten doesn't know how to, and doesn’t learn not to, act differently.

Darcy, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair who saw the incident, accosted Malibu as she was unloading her cart. Darcy threw a fresh 6-pack of Hostess Powdered Donuts at Malibu, to which Malibu had a hasty reply ready.


Witness Darcy accosted Malibu and questioned her kitten-beating motives

“He is driving me to drink,” Malibu said, “Just last night he spent hours teaching our Myna bird Toto how to say ‘shit-eater’ nonstop and the day before that he was sent home by police for having clogged up all the toilets at a McDonald's with paper. He is out of control and his dad…well, all he can do is laugh.”

This type of punishment is thought to also teach kittens that hitting solves problems. Kittens must learn other acceptable and non-violent approaches to solve problems.

“What the heck am I supposed to do?” Malibu asked, “I have seven other kittens to care for and this one is the squeaky wheel. I’m going nuts.”


Neighbors who saw the incident plan to notify authorities

Spanking also teaches the kitten not how to act in a well-behaved manner, but how ‘not to get caught’ when the parent(s) are around. This could lead kittens to become masterminds of sneakiness and deception.

Wal-Mart security escorted Malibu and her kittens out of the store and safely into the parking lot.

Two other witnesses, who did not want to give her names, said they are neighbors of the family of nine and will be calling Kitten Protective Services.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Heavy Doses Of Pie Eating Proven To Reduce Pain In Injured Cats, Say Cats

Seattle, WA

A new study conducted by cats shows eating a series of hot and cold pies is an effective treatment for pain control.

All cats involved in sports have all heard of using contrast therapy, repeated applications of heat and ice, after sustaining an injury such as a pulled groin or a sore back.

The theory behind contrast therapy is that hot water causes vasodilation of the blood flow in the injured limb followed by the application of ice, which then causes vasoconstriction. The net effect is thought to pump out inflammation and trapped fluids in the injured tissues allowing them to heal more quickly.


Hot apple pie is the choice pie to begin heat therapy with

One local cat, Minxy, a 6-month-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, who is a juggler by trade, injured his shoulder after performing at a birthday party and was affixed with an embarrassing pink cast.

“I went to my doctor,” Minxy said. “He suggested we try something new, he called it hot/cold pie therapy.”

Dr. Wong, a 14-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold had long been looking to test his latest idea on eating pie to control pain levels.


In a control group, other injured cats ate ‘placebo’ foods, such as spaghetti

“We began at once,“ Dr. Wong said, “First, we started with hot therapy. Minxy ate hot apple pie for the first 20 minutes and then we switched him to a cold pie, in this case Key Lime, for the next 15 minutes. We repeated it all day, off and on, for four days and by the end of our trial his pain had ceased and his cast came off.”

A control group was used in the experiment and the findings further support pie eating as being effective in pain control, according to Dr. Wong.

“Cats who ate pie had faster recovery times than cats who did not eat pie or who had tried other modalities such as eating spaghetti or broccoli.” Dr. Wong wrote in his report to Medical Science magazine.


“I like pie…” said one study volunteer on the basis of anonymity

“I think we should study this theory further and with different pies to determine the possible medical ramifications,” said Maya Jackson-Kidd, a 5-year-old, spayed, Abyssinian research assistant. “There is much to be considered here. Is the Key Lime a better cold pie for treatment than say, Lemon Meringue?”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Lonely Cat Sent Text Messages To Self

Edmonds, WA

In a sad confession today to friends and family, Opie, a 5-year-old neutered, American Tabby male, pictured above, admitted that he sent himself text messages in order to appear "wanted" and "popular."

He confessed to texting himself when his parents confronted him with their four-inch thick cell phone bill.

His parents said they knew something was wrong when Opie began chain-chewing gumballs and sleeping less. Opie reportedly was sleeping less than the normal 23 hours cats require for optimum health.

Opie was admitted to The Center, a treatment facility located on Dayton Avenue in Edmonds this afternoon via a family intervention for evaluation and treatment of severe depression.


Opie's parents reportedly received a cell phone bill in excess of $600.00 for extra text messaging not included in their normal rate packages

"At first I suspected drugs," said Opie's mother, Princess, a 15-year-old, spayed, white Persian, "Then we saw our cell phone bill and noticed that the numbers in the sent to and received from columns were exactly the same."

Opie had been sending himself text messages during classes. He first sent the message to himself, waited, then a tone would alert him that he had a message and he would open it, acting surprised and interested, hoping to draw the attention of classmates.

Princess further stated that sometimes she would hear him on the phone in his room talking softly, believing happily that he was conversing with friends, when in reality he was listening to an empty line, or talking with himself.


Opie's momcat, Princess, is a former Fancy Feast model

Opie had a hard time academically in school, was laughed at by others for a drooling problem, and didn't have much fashion sense.

"Other kids were always texting each other and Opie felt left out, alienated, so he tried to create an artificial persona that could fit into that environment more easily." said Kipper, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatric Medicine at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle. "It is not that uncommon for cays of today to live entirely alone in a world inside their heads of their own creation."

Princess said she hopes that time spent at the rehab center will help Opie adjust to his surroundings and help him become less of an introvert.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Cute, Fuzzy Caterpillars Threaten Local Sidewalks

Queen Anne, WA

Cats in the upper Queen Anne neighborhood of Seattle are in an uproar over the recent insurgency of furry, cuddly caterpillars seen on sidewalks.

“We started noticing them more and more as the weather got nicer,” said Ghengis, a 7-year-old, neutered, American Tabby. “We’d be walking and then suddenly out of nowhere one would appear…it was frightening.”

Caterpillars in the Seattle area have been living side by side with their feline neighbors for years, but the residents have been noticing an increasing amount of attacks on cats lately, leading them to believe that the animals are becoming more aggressive.


Ghengis was approached by one of the deadly caterpillars

These particular caterpillars are thought to be members of the local Woolly Bear Caterpillar biker gang, recently disbanded after one of their elders was booked on a murder rap.

“These caterpillars have nowhere to go and they are encroaching on our neighborhoods and schools,” said Fergie, a 4-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. “They are looking for trouble and I think they are trying to sell the kids dope or something.”

Previously wanted for killing one of two Bellevue brother cats, the leader of the caterpillar gang “Muffin” is now safely behind bars, but residents fear the motives of the gang.


Young kitten Maloney peed his trousers for fear of the caterpillars

“They move around one by one, they are very methodical.” Fergie continued, “My son Maloney saw one yesterday and came home crying because he wet his pants out of fear.”

There have been over 5 incidents reported to Washington Fish & Wildlife concerning the attacks. Recently, one unnamed cat was attacked and now has jagged gashes on his arm and ankle.

Rumors swirl that the caterpillars can grow to 10 feet long and weigh up to 300 pounds.


This deadly caterpillar grew to an astounding two inches in girth

Says one concerned neighbor, "How could this happen? How could the (caterpillars) get so aggressive? We have lived alongside them for decades without being attacked. They never used to attack us while walking on the sidewalks or attack our kittens. We hope these caterpillar attacks stop."

The caterpillars have been known to carry concealed weapons and become extremely aggressive upon any type of confrontation.

Residents are advised to give them a clear berth and hope for the best.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large