Monday, July 10, 2017

Deadly Gas Explosion Caused By Fiber One Bars Not Faulty Pipeline, ATF Says

Sequim, WA

Three Sequim High School classrooms were completely destroyed yesterday by a terrifying series of gas explosions that killed nine cats and hospitalized 20 kittens.

Investigators sent from the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) concluded the gas emanated from a cat who ate an entire box of Fiber One granola bars rather than a crack in a gas pipeline as was previously believed.

The cat in question later admitted to the farts that caused the explosions.

Gas clouds reached up to 2,300 feet high, witnesses said

“The first thing I heard was a rumble, then all of the sudden a big explosion, like BOOM," said Chester, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The heat (from the farts) shot up the rows and the gas (from the farts) engulfed the classroom.”

The blasts shot a fireball into the air that consumed several wall maps and a globe in an instant. One cat was blasted free from his britches, which were incinerated by the dense heat.

After the initial explosions, NASA reported the (fart) gas clouds reached up to 2,300 feet high and could be seen from space.

“It was…like BOOM,” said Chester

Temperatures and odors from the blast were so extreme that when the first fire truck got to the scene, its windshield immediately cracked into shards and witnesses saw paint bubbling up on parked cars, one official said.

One lethal stinking fume crept out an open window and seared an eight inch hole through the soft canvas top of a 2006 Jeep Wrangler.

The (fart) explosion left a 15-foot crater at its epicenter.

Nine cats are dead while 20 others suffered first, second, and third-degree burns on their arms and tails from the radiating temperatures. One cat, who was seated in the classroom near the (farter), survived, but has a scalded pink bald stripe down the center of his skull to remind him of the terrifying incident.

Fiber One bars are well known to cause gas attacks and have been linked to terrorist groups since 2007

ATF investigators crawled the pipes under the building and determined them to be safe, they then captured and questioned a cat, who had been seen two days before,hiding Fiber One Bar wrappers under some rocks.

“Now that the source of the (farts) has been determined and contained we are certain there is no longer a threat,” said Edmonds Fire Chief Cricket, a 13-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “There has been a horrific tragedy, but the building is now safe.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

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