Chicken Found Near Dumpster Was Murdered, Say Police

Edmonds, WA

The remains of a dead chicken have been found near a dumpster off Highway 99, Edmonds Police said.

Authorities first believed the victim jumped from the side of the dumpster in an apparent suicide attempt, but further investigation revealed multiple stab wounds and a missing leg.

CSI units stated the victim, whose name has not yet been released, was stabbed repeatedly in the breast and thighs with a plastic knife and fork late Monday night in the parking lot of an Albertson’s store.


One of the witness who found the remains also saw a fork nearby

The Chicken, a 3-hour-old Lemon Pepper Flavored Pre-Cooked Deli Chicken had been staying at the Albertson’s Deli with friends before she disappeared.

A witness found the chicken’s body laying prone on the pavement, a fork and unopened packet of ground pepper by her side and called police about 6:30 p.m.

EMTs at the scene tried to resuscitate the chicken and apply BBQ sauce, but it was too late.


The victim was found stabbed near this dumpster

“It smelled really good,” said Alec, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “I know it’s sad, but it made me hungry.”

Police cordoned off the area surrounding the dumpster for further investigation. “It’s not a pleasant thing to deal with for everyone involved,” police said.

Since the Albertson‘s Deli began serving hot, ready-to-eat Chicken some years ago, more than 2,000 Chickens have lost their lives, causing the area near the deli to sometimes be locally referred to as “Suicide Ridge.”


"It smelled so good" stated a witness

In 2002, the store underwent a $10-million renovation that included the installation of a multi-Chicken rotisserie oven and two new hot deli counters.

No further details were available at press time.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Lost Dinner Fork Found Dead On Lynnwood Street

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat is in custody today after DNA evidence linked him to the apparent murder of a dinner fork found today.

Early Sunday morning, according to Lynnwood Police reports, a local cat was jogging on his usual route when he came to a fork in the road.

The victim, a 10-year-old, Stainless-Steel Dinner Fork, had been reported missing from the Pine Cone Cafe Friday night.


Witness Ellie reported the sad finding of the murdered fork

Sadly, the fork was found smashed flat onto the pavement of 64th street in a quiet Lynnwood neighborhood.

“I was shocked…absolutely shocked,” said witness, Ellie, a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair after discovering the fork. “I’d never seen such carnal violence.”

Police arrived and brought with them a mobile CSI unit which immediately identified traces of peanut butter on the tines of the dead fork, thus labeling the incident a wrongful death.


Cory is a known felon and peanut butter addict

Police have released DNA test results from the peanut butter residue which are an exact match to a local cat named Cory, a 12-year-old neutered Long-Haired Siamese Mix. Police also said Cory is a known felon and peanut butter addict who was seen in the area recently with peanut butter smeared on his face.

"Technology has made this an open and shut case," said forensic investigator Mark Graham. "In this case, it led us right to the doorstep of the killer."

The name of the missing fork is being withheld until next of kin is notified.


The scene of the crime was preserved by police for CSI investigators

Police believe the unnamed fork was walking home from work eating peanut butter when either robbed or assaulted.

Whether the murder was accidental or planned will determine the sentence given to Cory, who is now in police custody on $250,000.00 bail.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Fork Photos: Sharyn
Cat Photo Courtesy: Cory's mom, Lori

April Fool’s Day Joke Sends Local Cat Into Depression

Lynnwood, WA

An April Fool’s Joke gone awry has sent one local cat into depression and has angered his friends and family.

On April Fool’s Day morning Jared, an 11-year-old Domestic Short Hair male, was eating an apple fritter and watching his favorite actor and notorious cat lover, Billy Mays, guest star on ‘The View’ when he heard a knock at the door.

“I looked out the peephole and saw two ducks standing there.” said Jared. “One was holding a book and they both had name tags on.”

Jared opened the door and was pleasantly greeted by the male duck, who introduced himself as Sinclair. The duck then said he was a member of the Church of St. Sebastian and asked Jared if he had ever considered becoming a duck.


The ducks were in Indio on an extended migration

Sinclair, a 1-year-old Mallard Drake, reportedly gave Jared reading materials covering the benefits of being a duck.

Sinclair told Jared that if he became a duck he would be joining a group of nearly 10million ducks in America, be able to take flight from water almost vertically, and fly up to 70 feet per second.

“I have always really liked ducks.” said Jared, “I had never really thought of ever becoming one, but the more I listened to what he had to say, the more I realized what I was missing.”


Friends said Jared is sleeping with a stuffed duck at night for comfort

“I grew up Catholic, so I have the whole guilt complex thing.” said Jared. “The more I thought about becoming a duck, the more I could see myself being free and happy.”

Sinclair and his traveling companion, Betty Lou, told Jared that another benefit of becoming a duck is the comfort of a monogamous relationship and extended vacation periods, or ‘migration’ seasons.

Mallard Ducks usually have the longest migration of any duck, extending from late summer to early winter. They usually begin their migration back to the breeding grounds in March and April.


The ducks said they represented the Church of St. Sebastian

“Imagine having that much vacation!” exclaimed Jared, “I have been working for the same company for 5 years and all I get is three weeks a year. It really sounded great to me. I asked them why ducks fly south for the winter and they said it is too far to walk.”

Just when Jared agreed to go with the ducks to their church, the ducks laughed and shouted “April Fool’s!” leaving poor Jared at the door, in tears.

“They ran off…” Jared said, “They just left me standing there, full of hope.”

Jared called his mom and told her about the incident. She immediately called the Lynnwood Police Department and filed a complaint, but said that Jared is ‘inconsolable.’

Friends who tried to reach Jared said he is not returning phone calls and one friend who went to visit Jared stated that they found him alone, sleeping on the couch.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Cat Attacked By ‘Ugly, Little, Plastic Man’ In Stable Condition

Port Townsend, WA

Police officers are searching for a 5-year-old, male, 12” G.I. Joe Action Figure involved in an attack on a local cat Tuesday night.

A cat living in the Front Street area on the east side of Port Townsend was viciously attacked in his home by the Action Figure while attempting to get a snack from the pantry, according to reports.

The victim, an 8-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair named Reddington True, is currently undergoing treatment for his injuries at Olympic Memorial Hospital. His injuries are not considered life-threatening.

According to police documents, Reddington was in his room watching “Grey’s Anatomy” when he became hungry and decided to get some Cheez-Its.


This G.I. Joe Action Figure was euthanized last week for attacking and fatally injuring a local cat

When Reddington went downstairs to check out the pantry, he was confronted by a small, angry, little man wielding a plastic sword and wearing a World War II-era outfit.

“He looked like he might have been a veteran of foreign war,” Reddington said, referring to the clothing the Action Figure was wearing that night. “Maybe he is suffering from post-traumatic shock. Or maybe he was just hungry.”

Reddington was stabbed repeatedly by the enraged little man, who even threw a tiny plastic grenade, which failed to explode. Reddington managed get past him and conceal himself in a box of Lionel trains, after which he said, “…the little man ran away.”


Reddington eluded the attacker by disguising himself as a model train

After a neighbor alerted police, officers set a trap for the Action Figure at the home and patrolled the neighborhood. Police Chief Adrian, a 10-year-old Domestic Short Hair said, “If captured, the Action Figure will be euthanized for the attack, regardless of whether or not he is a veteran.”

It was not clear how the Action Figure got into the house and Port Townsend Police officers waited to talk to Reddington to obtain more details.

The Clallam County Humane Society said they have sadly euthanized more than 11 assorted Action Figures in the Port Angeles to Sequim area for this type of violent attack and has relocated 22 other action figures so far this season.


A tired, hungry Reddington wrestled the Action Figure and ‘slammed him down’

"I wrestled it, grabbed his sword, picked him up over my head and slammed him down on the steps,” Reddington stated. “He tried his little plastic pistol, but it didn’t work.” He said the rogue Action Figure bit and stabbed him at least 60 times on his arms, hands, legs, and paws, but still didn’t quit.

"Then he jumped at me. I caught him in mid-air, punched him a few times, and again slammed him down on the ground," said Reddington. “He must have been a Marine action figure because he was gung-ho all right.”

Luckily, Reddington is expected to make a full recovery. Police are still combing the area for the Action Figure in question.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Redding ton & Action Figure Photo: Thanks to Sara Polley
Grumman (as Reddington) In Train Box: Thanks to Forrest Scott Wood

Police Seek Killer After Lollipop Found Murdered

Edmonds, WA

Edmonds police said they are searching for the cat or cats responsible for smashing and killing a lollipop on Friday afternoon.

Officers called to a local neighborhood around 4 p.m. found the 8-month-old lollipop, lying in the street with what appeared to have been a crushing blow to the head.

The lollipop was quickly rushed to the Stevens Medical Center, where she was pronounced dead from her injuries.


Dodo said Bing-Bing was a “…sucker for anyone asking for money.”

The body of the lollipop, who was working as an instructor at a local school, also showed signs of possible strangulation, while her purse and other belongings were missing, according to police.

The police have started an investigation, suspecting that the lollipop may have been robbed and killed at close range.

The lollipop has been identified by the police as Bing-Bing, a Blue Raspberry, Charms Blow-Pop, who had been imported from China and worked at Edmonds Community College. The school said she had been working there for five months teaching pottery.


Bing-Bing taught Japanese classes at Edmonds Community College

Bing-Bing reportedly had a meal at a friend's place Friday afternoon and went home alone at around 3 p.m. The friend, Dodo, a 6-year-old, neutered Siamese Mix, asked local police to search for her after she did not answer a Facebook message later that evening.

“I’m shocked and stunned at what has happened,” said Dodo. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she was robbed, she was a sucker for anyone asking for money.”

A local cat named Harry, a 4-year-old Domestic Short Hair, was in the process of trying on multiple pairs of pink satin and yellow cotton women’s underpants when he glanced out the window and saw the body of the lollipop laying crushed on the sidewalk.


Harry was in his home trying on women’s undergarments when he noticed the body while glancing out a window

“I feel so bad for that lollipop,” said Harry. “It looks like she really put up a fight though. She took some pretty bad licks. It’s very sad for her family.”

Edmonds Deputy Coroner reports state Bing-Bing had trauma to her head, but would not speculate on how it occurred. The report said it did not appear Bing-Bing was hit by a vehicle of any sort.

An autopsy is scheduled for Monday morning at the Snohomish County Coroner's Office to determine the exact cause and manner of death.

Anyone with information is asked to call Edmonds Police.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Harry Photo: Thanks to Seamus F. O'Reilly, II
Lollipop Photo: Thanks to an afternoon walk

Seven Arrested In Botched Corn Dog Heist

Edmonds, WA

Edmonds police officers arrested seven cats today in connection with an attempted robbery that occurred at 3:10 p.m. near a food cart at the ferry terminal.

The suspects approached the victim, Henry, a 3-week-old Boston Terrier pup, assaulted him, and attempted to steal his corn dog.

The cats fled after a brief struggle and the victim used his cell phone to call police.


Witnesses said the cats were skilled and organized

Officers combed an area around Sunset Avenue and Main Street and located the cats hiding in a parking lot near an ATM.

At the same time, a vehicle thought to be associated with the suspects quickly left the parking lot.

Witnesses said the cats hid on the roof of a warehouse next to the corn dog cart and used rappelling equipment to drop down to where the victim stood putting mustard on his corn dog.


Police said the corn dog may have been earmarked for the black market

Had they been successful it would have been the fifth such violent robbery in as many weeks.

The cats suffered no injuries, although the corn dog, which fell to the ground during the struggle, lost its life.

The corn dog was believed to be destined for the black market, perhaps overseas.


Names of the suspects have not been released to the public

Trafficking in corn dogs, which are a Schedule II substance, carries a penalty of not less than 10 years in prison and a $4 million dollar fine.

The identities of the robbers have not been made available to the public. Witnesses said one of the cats appeared to be Siamese.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Siamese Photo: Steven Thompson and Kellie Kat
Russian Blue: My Seamus
Harvey Photo: Thanks to Michele in Sequim, WA

Really Big Stains Found Under Area Rugs In Local Home

Lynnwood, WA

A surprise visit from police today uncovered what appears to be large coffee stains kept hidden under a rug in a Lynnwood living room for years.

The owner of the home, a 12-year-old, neutered, Silver Spotted British Shorthair named Dumptruck, said he bought and used a red oriental carpet to cover up the stain four years ago.

The stain is approximately 12” inches by 7” inches, is light brown in color, and is situated over another, lighter stain of unknown origin.


Dumptruck said fear played a major role in covering up the crime

The cat now stands accused of at least three counts of conspiracy to cover up carpet stains and household chore fraud.

“Everyone always said what an exceptionally clean house he kept,” said an insider. “I guess we know better now.”

The 5 ½’ x 11’ red oriental carpet was bought with intent to fool and used in a criminal act, police said. Crumbs and other debris were found stuffed haphazardly under the rug, almost as if the occupant had been expecting a visitor.


This seated Buddha duped unwary visitors of a stain hidden underneath

Further investigation in the home turned up a seated Buddha statue, which had been creatively placed on the floor to cover up a horrific 7” rust-colored stain that has yet to be identified.

Dumptruck confessed to his crimes, stating his boyfriend of six years, Carl, is “nit picky” when it comes to housework and doesn’t like stains or spots on his carpets.

Dumptruck said no matter what carpet stain remover he purchased, the stains would simply not release themselves from the unforgiving Berber carpet. Desperate and scared, he went to IKEA and purchased the rug to use as a cover up.


Boyfriend Carl is said to be “inconsolable” with grief

Carl, also 12, is said to have taken to his bed and is “inconsolable” with grief after discovering his boyfriend is not as good a housekeeper as he previously believed.

“I knew I should have just come out and admitted it,” said Dumptruck. “I was really scared about what I’d done and feared what Carl might do.”

Police spatter analysts also found multiple other small stains believed to be coffee, ketchup, tea, and peanut butter, which were also kept secret under the rug.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Dumptruck Photo: Thanks to Martin & Kassy Spires, West Sussex, England