Area Cat Admits To Keeping Butter In Refrigerator

Caesar stated "...it tastes gross warm."
Edmonds, WA

An Edmonds cat reportedly admitted last night that he keeps his butter in the refrigerator, not on the counter.

The cat, Caesar, is a 3-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair male, who has lived in Edmonds his entire life. He was interviewed outside his home on a chilly night and was fairly open as to the status of his butter. I don't really use it myself, but yes, I do keep it in the fridge rather than on the countertop."


The refrigerator in Caesar's home where he keeps butter

Sources say that butter will keep for a long time refrigerated. Up to six weeks. You can also freeze this product and it will keep for over a year. "My mom always used to keep the butter out on the counter in a butter dish."

Caesar said "Personally, I always thought warm, mushy butter was kind of icky, especially in the summer."

Normal butter softens to a spreadable consistency around 15 °C (60 °F), certainly above most refrigerator temperatures. The butter section found in most refrigerators may be one of the warmest sections in it, but it still keeps butter quite cool and hard.


Butter is kept in the refrigerator or covered, in a dish on the counter

Keeping butter very tightly wrapped delays spoiling, which is also hastened by exposure to any light and air, and also helps prevent it from picking up other odors from your refrigerator.

Caesar admits that if he does use butter he simply warms it up a bit in the microwave before spreading it on toast or whatever he needs it for.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Admitted Lap Whore Seeks Treatment In Edmonds

Edmonds, WA

A local cat has sought the help of friends and family tonight after leading a life filled with multiple laps. The cat, Ovid, a 5-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair originally from Boston, MA, said that he realized he was hurting not just himself, but members of his own family by his lascivious acts of lap-swapping.

“I am a cat owned by lust.” said Ovid, “I will do anything for a warm, cozy lap to nap on.” Ovid said that he used to be an indoor cat until managing to sneak outside once too often, prompting his owners to allow him indoor/outdoor status within the household.

“I have a Human,” Ovid said, “I love her dearly, but once I got outside I realized there are so many other laps to sit on and enjoy. It became an addiction for me.”

The addiction began one afternoon when Ovid met Jim, an older man in the neighborhood who enjoyed gardening and sitting in a chair in the morning sun with a good cup of coffee. “Jim was my first affair,” said Ovid, “I wandered into his garden and was overcome with the smells of lavender and rosemary. I walked in and he was in a chair and he asked me to come up onto his lap to be petted, and well…I did.”


Ovid said that he is “owned by lust”

This first affair gave Ovid a taste for the kindness of strangers that became a thirst for personal gratification and ego-stroking on a daily basis.

“Next I met Chris, he lives next door and is much younger. He works on his car often and I would wander into the garage nonchalantly and after one look into my eyes he was captivated by me. He has spent hours petting me, brushing my hair, and whispering in my ears while he reads Chilton manuals.”

Ovid’s human began to wonder about him as he often came home late, covered in either leaves or car grease from his wild petting romps, and often smelling like another Human. Ovid stated that he began going from house to house and sleeping in random laps, sometimes sleeping in two laps on the same day.


A private photo of Ovid in Chris’ lap

“I have let her down,” Ovid said of his Human. “I am addicted to attention. It is my problem, not hers.”

The DSM IV (or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition) defines lap addiction as a maladaptive pattern of abuse manifested by recurring failure to fulfill major obligations, repeating behavior despite interference with social standings, and failure to sleep on the lap you were adopted to.

Ovid is to undergo outpatient treatment at the Schick Shadel Hospital of Seattle. Upon successful course graduation he will start to attend bi-weekly Lap Addicts Anonymous meetings and will undergo a thorough evaluation by a team of substance-abuse physicians to rule-out any further issues once every month thereafter.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Local Cat Arrested for Assault After Finding Husband In Bed With Furby

Seattle, WA

A local cat came home Saturday morning to find her husband in bed with a Furby named Manolo.

Moonbeam, a 6-year-old, female, Tortoise Shell had been married to Oleg, a 7-year-old, Stuffed Troll Doll from IKEA for four years and never had a clue that there was anything amiss.

Moonbeam was shocked when she accidentally walked in on the twosome. She told us that as she was leaving for the local Saturday market she had noticed a small Furby walking up the street towards their home in Seattle’s University District.


Moonbeam's husband Oleg was once an exchange student from IKEA

“I saw this little Furby,” Moonbeam said, “it kind of gave me a funny look. I had the strange feeling that it had been watching me or waiting for me to leave or something.”

Moonbeam got in her car and went to pick up her momcat in the Greenwood area and headed for the Marketplace. “Suddenly I was standing in the produce section staring at the carrots and I just had a bad feeling, I knew something was wrong.” Moonbeam went on. “I decided that I needed to go home right then.”

Moonbean and her momcat returned to home and Moonbeam unlocked to door quietly. “I heard some strange chittering-type noises that I couldn’t quite make out. Now that I know he was with a Furby, it all makes sense.”


The Furby, Manolo, says he is "...shamed."

Moonbeam went crazy with jealous rage when she saw what was happening in her own bedroom. Police reports state that she started beating Manolo repeatedly with a toilet brush.

“It hurt...” Manolo said as he was wheeled from the house in a stretcher, "...my battery got disconnected." EMTs and Seattle Police were at the scene. Manolo's family was called to the hospital after the incident and are pressing Manolo to file charges against Moonbeam.

Moonbeam was escorted off the premises in handcuffs and booked on third degree assault with a cleaning supply.

Oleg denied that there was anything more than just a physical relationship with the Furby, stating that they had met over the internet and started emailing each other just a week prior to the incident.


Manolo's parents and two sisters said that he should press charges against Moonbeam

“It is a shame that things like this happen.” said divorce attorney Lex Luthor, “Sometimes two cats just grow apart or want different things from a relationship and in this case it appears Oleg wanted a Furby.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

People Who Own Cats More Likely To Have Cat Hair On Their Clothing Than People Who Do Not Own Cats

Edmonds, WA

A recent study conducted by Seattle Pacific University shows that people who own cats are far more likely to have cat hair on their clothing than people who do not own cats. The study was conducted by Dr. Hairy Pinkie, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Sociology at SPU.

"This study has been a long time coming," Dr. Pinkie said, "we studied three different groups of people; people who owned cats, people who did not own cats, and people who owned fruit bats."

The study showed a positive correlation between cat ownership and cat hair accumulation on clothing. A positive correlation indicates that both variables increase or decrease together, whereas negative correlation indicates that as one variable increases, so the other decreases.


Radar said "I always had the suspicion that there was a link there somewhere..."

Not so surprisingly then, people who owned fruit bats reported no cat hair whatsoever on their clothing. The outcome of the study also means that the more cats you own, the more cat hair you will likely accumulate on your clothing.

"We have a very long way to go with regard to outcomes in the future" Dr. Pinkie explains, "there is much to be learned from such a complicated data set." Currently the Department of Sociology at SPU conducts cat hair research projects through funding provided exclusively by the National Association for Hairball Treatment and Prevention Center (NAHTC).


Cat hair as seen on a local cat owner's shirt

There are plans for future studies involving the relationship between cat dander on furniture and cat ownership. Local cats were interested in the outcome of this study.

One local cat, Radar, a 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair said "I always had the suspicion that there was a link there somewhere between cat ownership and the appearance of cat hair on clothing."

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Ugly Cat Wins Defamation Lawsuit

Seattle, WA


"They would laugh when they fed me..."

Jabba, a 9-year-old, long-hair, rare Tortoise Shell male, used to live with his owners in Lower Queen Anne. He now resides in a plush pad of his own in the posh Vanguard Towers building in Bellevue after winning a lucrative defamation lawsuit in King County just last week.

Jabba sued his owners, Jim and Debra Skunk, originally of Snohomish, charging that they emotionally abused him, making fun of his strangely-shaped head and relative rotundity. Jabba stated in court documents that "...they used to tell guests that I was so fat that I was like two cats in one..."

Jabba teared up as he recalled their abuse "...and they laughed when they fed me, it was terrible. I still have eating issues." As Jabba gave his testimony, members of the jury were seen wiping back their own tears of sorrow for him.


The King County Courthouse in Seattle, WA

Jabba says that while he knew that he was binge eating to curb his intense emotional pain, he felt hopeless about life in general and could not find any motivation to stop. "I would cry myself to sleep" Jabba recalled. "They would call me names like 'monsterface,'"

Jabba heard the abuse day in and day out for most of his nine years and then one day simply decided to sue. The landmark case generated much attention from the media. His owners did not show up to the courthouse despite the fact that there was a subpoena.

Jabba's lawyer presented a case to a jury of twelve that highlighted a life of emotional pain, addiction, and grief, interlaced with fluctuating eating issues. At one point Jabba went back and forth between periods of binge-eating and near anorexia.

University of Washington psychiatrist Dr. Kong King Gin said in an interview today that at the root of almost all eating disorders are serious self-esteem and self-hate issues, possibly ingrained since early cathood.

Feelings of being "not good enough" or feeling "worthless and ugly" are translated into eating issues and become a way of gaining control of the body in a world where one feels they have no control over anything.


Dr. Kong King Gin is an expert in the treatment of eating-disorders

After a two-week trial, the jury found Jim and Deborah Skunk guilty of emotional abuse and granted Jabba 2.5 million dollars for emotional stress, winning a successful defamation of character lawsuit in the King County Court System.

He has since changed his name to "Fluffy."

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

“Birth Control Glasses” Effective In Preventing Unwanted Pregnancy, Study Finds

Seattle, WA

In the future, cats who decide they want to have kittens later in life may have an easy option, a removable contraceptive device that stops potential partners from approaching and ultimately stopping pregnancies from occurring.

A recent 2-year study conducted by Planned Parenthood and concluded last week has proven the efficacy of the devices preventing unwanted pregnancies.

In the study 100 cats ranging in age from 2-to-9-years-old, were fitted with ugly pairs of thick glasses and sent into bar rooms filled with drunk males.


Layla, a Boeing engineer, said the glasses are the best birth-control device she has ever used

In the bar room-type experiments the unsightly glasses quickly deterred even the most obviously inebriated males from attempting to hustle, grab at, feel up, or mate with the females.

In the two years the cats wore the glasses, none of them became pregnant. Females polled said the main benefit to the glasses is they do not require the removal of the ovaries and involves no pain or daily pills.


Disco said "No one's hit on me yet..."

The ugly glasses are thought to prevent the production of sex hormones by males, and the device is simply taken off when the time for having kittens is right.

The glasses were the idea of one cat, Jasper, a 15-year-old Domestic Short Hair. Jasper is a consulting physician at Planned Parenthood and based the project on his own dating experiences.

Males agreed the glasses are so ugly and off-putting to that an estimated 20,000 unwanted kitten pregnancies are believed to have been avoided.


Boo-Boo said that when his wife Clementine puts the glasses on, he isn’t “…turned on at all”

“I don’t want kittens until I am married.” said Layla, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The glasses mean they (males) won’t even come near me, I feel it is the right thing to do. They are the best birth-control device I have ever used.”

The "Birth Control Glasses" have been hailed as a Godsend by many females, who credit the glasses with putting a halt on their previously wild and promiscuous behavior and allowing them to focus on their studies.

The glasses are currently available only in Seattle. Similar in appearance to a set of glasses for humans, they are simply placed upon on the cat’s face to deter would-be suitors.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Medium To Large-Sized Bug Seen On Local Wall

Forks, WA

All over the town of Forks there were reports coming in about a dramatic increase in the number of bugs seen on walls. Waco, a 2-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold male, pictured above, was interrupted in his rural while playing Halo 2 by the presence of a bug.

The bug was medium-sized, about the size of a quarter. Reports said that it first crawled very slowly up from the floor paneling and settled into a spot about one foot from the ceiling, where it stayed for almost two hours, not moving.

Waco reported the bug to his mom, who urged him to "get" the bug. Waco reportedly threw down his Wii controller and attempted to get the bug.

The bug defiantly stayed in one spot for the nest fifteen minutes, then tried unsuccessfully to climb higher, only to fall to the floor, where it was caught by young Waco. Waco triumphantly disabled the bug and ate it.


The medium-sized bug as seen on an Edmonds wall.

In recent weeks there have been many such sightings of bugs on walls. Just last week there were a total of fourteen spider and bug-related sightings in the town of Forks alone. Cats everywhere agree that bugs on walls are a good thing, bringing back the entertainment of old and helping cats put down video games and get a bit of exercise.

"We have been trying to figure out how to pull Waco away from those video games." said Waco's mom Bella, a spayed, 9-year-old, Domestic Long Hair female, originally from Jasper, Wyoming. "This bug thing is really helping out. We are glad to see more bugs on the walls these days, it is what cats are meant to do indoors."


Waco spends most days playing video games

Indeed many other cats agree with Bella. Teenage cat surveys show that the leading activity in most households now is playing video games, not bathing, napping, and biting others, as was once all the rage.

"Those video games are destroying my son's childhood and robbing him of his creativity. Now I see him glancing up at the walls more often, eyes black, hoping to catch real prey instead of wasting time." Bella stated.


"I like bugs" says Waco

Sharyn Thoma Guay