Young Kitten Spanked In Auburn

Auburn, WA

The busy shopping crowd at the Auburn Wal-Mart store was shocked today by the behavior of one cat who spanked her kitten not once, but three times before finally stopping.

Malibu, a 13-year-old, Domestic Short Hair Tuxedo Cat, is a retired pommel horse gymnast and currently teaches third graders at Lynndale Elementary School.

The incident took place in the swimming toy aisle when her kitten, Jack, a 2-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, began to wail and cry after his mom denied purchasing him a giant pool noodle.


Malibu said her son was driving her to drink

Witnesses said Malibu ‘walloped’ him a good three times before he noticed and started bawling his eyes out. Embarrassed, Malibu then drove her cart to the checkout line as fast as possible.

While many cats approve of spanking their kittens and/or cats, some experts say it is decidedly the wrong thing to do and can teach them a bad lesson.

Spanking only stops misbehavior momentarily. The bad behavior usually resumes because the kitten doesn't know how to, and doesn’t learn not to, act differently.

Darcy, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair who saw the incident, accosted Malibu as she was unloading her cart. Darcy threw a fresh 6-pack of Hostess Powdered Donuts at Malibu, to which Malibu had a hasty reply ready.


Witness Darcy accosted Malibu and questioned her kitten-beating motives

“He is driving me to drink,” Malibu said, “Just last night he spent hours teaching our Myna bird Toto how to say ‘shit-eater’ nonstop and the day before that he was sent home by police for having clogged up all the toilets at a McDonald's with paper. He is out of control and his dad…well, all he can do is laugh.”

This type of punishment is thought to also teach kittens that hitting solves problems. Kittens must learn other acceptable and non-violent approaches to solve problems.

“What the heck am I supposed to do?” Malibu asked, “I have seven other kittens to care for and this one is the squeaky wheel. I’m going nuts.”


Neighbors who saw the incident plan to notify authorities

Spanking also teaches the kitten not how to act in a well-behaved manner, but how ‘not to get caught’ when the parent(s) are around. This could lead kittens to become masterminds of sneakiness and deception.

Wal-Mart security escorted Malibu and her kittens out of the store and safely into the parking lot.

Two other witnesses, who did not want to give her names, said they are neighbors of the family of nine and will be calling Kitten Protective Services.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Heavy Doses Of Pie Eating Proven To Reduce Pain In Injured Cats, Say Cats

Seattle, WA

A new study conducted by cats shows eating a series of hot and cold pies is an effective treatment for pain control.

All cats involved in sports have all heard of using contrast therapy, repeated applications of heat and ice, after sustaining an injury such as a pulled groin or a sore back.

The theory behind contrast therapy is that hot water causes vasodilation of the blood flow in the injured limb followed by the application of ice, which then causes vasoconstriction. The net effect is thought to pump out inflammation and trapped fluids in the injured tissues allowing them to heal more quickly.


Hot apple pie is the choice pie to begin heat therapy with

One local cat, Minxy, a 6-month-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, who is a juggler by trade, injured his shoulder after performing at a birthday party and was affixed with an embarrassing pink cast.

“I went to my doctor,” Minxy said. “He suggested we try something new, he called it hot/cold pie therapy.”

Dr. Wong, a 14-year-old, neutered, Scottish Fold had long been looking to test his latest idea on eating pie to control pain levels.


In a control group, other injured cats ate ‘placebo’ foods, such as spaghetti

“We began at once,“ Dr. Wong said, “First, we started with hot therapy. Minxy ate hot apple pie for the first 20 minutes and then we switched him to a cold pie, in this case Key Lime, for the next 15 minutes. We repeated it all day, off and on, for four days and by the end of our trial his pain had ceased and his cast came off.”

A control group was used in the experiment and the findings further support pie eating as being effective in pain control, according to Dr. Wong.

“Cats who ate pie had faster recovery times than cats who did not eat pie or who had tried other modalities such as eating spaghetti or broccoli.” Dr. Wong wrote in his report to Medical Science magazine.


“I like pie…” said one study volunteer on the basis of anonymity

“I think we should study this theory further and with different pies to determine the possible medical ramifications,” said Maya Jackson-Kidd, a 5-year-old, spayed, Abyssinian research assistant. “There is much to be considered here. Is the Key Lime a better cold pie for treatment than say, Lemon Meringue?”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Lonely Cat Sent Text Messages To Self

Edmonds, WA

In a sad confession today to friends and family, Opie, a 5-year-old neutered, American Tabby male, pictured above, admitted that he sent himself text messages in order to appear "wanted" and "popular."

He confessed to texting himself when his parents confronted him with their four-inch thick cell phone bill.

His parents said they knew something was wrong when Opie began chain-chewing gumballs and sleeping less. Opie reportedly was sleeping less than the normal 23 hours cats require for optimum health.

Opie was admitted to The Center, a treatment facility located on Dayton Avenue in Edmonds this afternoon via a family intervention for evaluation and treatment of severe depression.


Opie's parents reportedly received a cell phone bill in excess of $600.00 for extra text messaging not included in their normal rate packages

"At first I suspected drugs," said Opie's mother, Princess, a 15-year-old, spayed, white Persian, "Then we saw our cell phone bill and noticed that the numbers in the sent to and received from columns were exactly the same."

Opie had been sending himself text messages during classes. He first sent the message to himself, waited, then a tone would alert him that he had a message and he would open it, acting surprised and interested, hoping to draw the attention of classmates.

Princess further stated that sometimes she would hear him on the phone in his room talking softly, believing happily that he was conversing with friends, when in reality he was listening to an empty line, or talking with himself.


Opie's momcat, Princess, is a former Fancy Feast model

Opie had a hard time academically in school, was laughed at by others for a drooling problem, and didn't have much fashion sense.

"Other kids were always texting each other and Opie felt left out, alienated, so he tried to create an artificial persona that could fit into that environment more easily." said Kipper, MD, Associate Professor of Psychiatric Medicine at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle. "It is not that uncommon for cays of today to live entirely alone in a world inside their heads of their own creation."

Princess said she hopes that time spent at the rehab center will help Opie adjust to his surroundings and help him become less of an introvert.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Cute, Fuzzy Caterpillars Threaten Local Sidewalks

Queen Anne, WA

Cats in the upper Queen Anne neighborhood of Seattle are in an uproar over the recent insurgency of furry, cuddly caterpillars seen on sidewalks.

“We started noticing them more and more as the weather got nicer,” said Ghengis, a 7-year-old, neutered, American Tabby. “We’d be walking and then suddenly out of nowhere one would appear…it was frightening.”

Caterpillars in the Seattle area have been living side by side with their feline neighbors for years, but the residents have been noticing an increasing amount of attacks on cats lately, leading them to believe that the animals are becoming more aggressive.


Ghengis was approached by one of the deadly caterpillars

These particular caterpillars are thought to be members of the local Woolly Bear Caterpillar biker gang, recently disbanded after one of their elders was booked on a murder rap.

“These caterpillars have nowhere to go and they are encroaching on our neighborhoods and schools,” said Fergie, a 4-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. “They are looking for trouble and I think they are trying to sell the kids dope or something.”

Previously wanted for killing one of two Bellevue brother cats, the leader of the caterpillar gang “Muffin” is now safely behind bars, but residents fear the motives of the gang.


Young kitten Maloney peed his trousers for fear of the caterpillars

“They move around one by one, they are very methodical.” Fergie continued, “My son Maloney saw one yesterday and came home crying because he wet his pants out of fear.”

There have been over 5 incidents reported to Washington Fish & Wildlife concerning the attacks. Recently, one unnamed cat was attacked and now has jagged gashes on his arm and ankle.

Rumors swirl that the caterpillars can grow to 10 feet long and weigh up to 300 pounds.


This deadly caterpillar grew to an astounding two inches in girth

Says one concerned neighbor, "How could this happen? How could the (caterpillars) get so aggressive? We have lived alongside them for decades without being attacked. They never used to attack us while walking on the sidewalks or attack our kittens. We hope these caterpillar attacks stop."

The caterpillars have been known to carry concealed weapons and become extremely aggressive upon any type of confrontation.

Residents are advised to give them a clear berth and hope for the best.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Two Catnip Mice Honored On Memorial Day

Edmonds, WA

Over 500 Humans, mice, and cats gathered at the Edmonds Marina yesterday for a stunningly beautiful memorial service to honor two catnip mice who gave their lives for the benefit of others.

The mice, originally purchased at Petsmart, were less than 1-year-old, made from recycled materials, and were sold in a package of three. Two of the three mice bravely passed away during an intense catnip massacre just one month ago.

Witnesses at the scene said a Human had opened a fresh package of soft, felt mice and ‘dropped them onto the floor’ of a playroom in a local animal shelter (which refused to be named).


Gigli was one of the cats who participated in the attack

“All I can remember is I became quite aggressive and felt very light-headed, said Gigli, a 5-year-old, grey and white, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “There were nine other cats there in that room that day and once the scent of catnip got into the air…it was mayhem.”

It was reported that some of the cats had begun to rub their heads and body against the mice and even foamed at the mouth. Only the purple mouse, named Lotus, survived and is currently being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder.

Rolling around on the ground and emitting loud purrs and growls was also reported.


The mice all enlisted together at the same recruiting station

Witness Grover, a 4-year-old, neutered, American Tabby said, “The cats (involved) looked like they were completely out of it and were leaping around and even becoming aggressive towards other fellow cats. Those mice never had a chance."

During the somber ceremony at the marina, American and military flags were raised and saluted. Family members of the fallen mice spoke out and gave their love and support to the community at large. Fresh corn on the cob was grilled and beers were thrown back while fond, pleasant memories were told.

“These were fine young mice,” said Lt. Colonel Stewart, a 6-year-old Former Feral, Scottish Fold male, “They gave their lives doing what they loved. When they signed on to become catnip mice they knew the risks and bravely accepted them. They are my heroes.”


Grover is said to be still mourning the deaths of the mice

According to military documents, it was decided the mice bravely perished doing what they were intended to do and stated they died ‘in the line of fire.' The deaths were not homicidal. Indeed, the motto of the United States Catnip Mouse Army is ‘ut ceteri ludant,’ or, ‘so others may play.’

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Ketchup Packets Stolen From Local Cat's Home

Lynnwood, WA

Everything seemed normal when Dixie, a 9-year-old, Domestic Long Hair cat returned home from the local Fred Meyer store. She had just completed grocery shopping and had her eyebrows waxed at the local beauty salon when she arrived home to find she’d become a statistic.

Dixie reportedly was bringing the groceries in from the car and noticed the front door open a crack. “I was scared as to what I might find,“ Dixie said, “but I used a giant smoked sausage I’d bought and pushed the door open all the way and walked inside.” She immediately called police, knowing she had been burglarized.


Dixie had as many as 95 ketchup packets before the burglary

“The first thing I noticed was the cupboard drawers were ajar.” said Dixie, obviously still nervous and shaken from the home invasion, “There was an open bag of flour on the floor and the silverware drawer was also open.” Lynnwood police set up a SWAT perimeter around Dixie’s house in an attempt to find the thief or thieves

Dixie is a secretary cat for a local tow truck company. She left work early today in the hopes of taking a nap in the afternoon sun after grocery shopping and before her teencats, Jack, Roo, and Anthrax, arrived home from Lynnwood High School.

“Then I saw it…they were gone, gone.“ Dixie tearfully continued, “Someone stole all my ketchup packets.“ Dixie stopped and shuddered, recalling the ketchup packets she had been collecting in the drawer for so long.


Police set up a SWAT perimeter around Dixie’s house in an attempt to find the thief or thieves

Dixie said that at first she wasn’t sure what to do with all the leftover ketchup packets she seemed to amass from frequent trips to local fast food eateries. “It seemed they just piled up, you know?“ she said, “A leftover one from McDonald’s, one or two from Wendy’s, Dick’s, or Burgermaster.”

“I just started putting them all in one drawer, a central location, I guess you could say,…in case I ever needed one.” Dixie continued. “It just started that way and pretty soon I had a whole drawer full of them…there was even some hot sauce in there from Taco Bell.”


Dixie admitted she might have had a few sets of disposable chopsticks in the drawer as well

Dixie told Lynnwood Police officers that there could have been up to 95 ketchup packets in that single drawer alone, some disposable chopstick sets from a teriyaki take-out place, and even a few soy sauce packets.

“We are not sure as to the motives of the thief in this crime,” stated officer Dan McFarland, “At this time we are just pleased that no one was hurt and that there appears to have been no further thievery besides the ketchup packets and a few other such items.”


Dixie’s teencats, Jack, Roo, and Anthrax, were safe at school and were not harmed

Other sources close to the Gazette report that Dixie also had mayonnaise packets and as many as 15 mustard packets in the drawer.

“I just hope they catch whoever did this to me.” Dixie said, “I feel very violated…it really took me a long time to collect that many ketchup packets.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Two Crows Spotted In Local Tree

Lake Forest Park, WA

It was another chilly afternoon in the Pacific Northwest, a day like any other in recent weeks consisting of fog, frigid temperatures, and snow flurries. What made this day different for a local cat from Lake Forest Park was a startling discovery in a group of trees.

“I was just walking down the road going to see my friend and his momcat.” said Tiny Dancer, a gray, male, Domestic Short Hair from Lake Forest Park. “My pal called and asked me to come over, we were gonna rip up some of his owners’ shit.”

Tiny Dancer said that when he reached the corner and made the usual turn to go to see his teencat friend, something just didn’t feel right. “The hair kinda stood up on my back a bit,” He said, “I didn’t really know why, I just had a bad feeling.”


Tiny Dancer was on the way to a friend’s house to “…rip up some of his owners’ shit.” when he saw the two crows

Tiny Dancer looked up and what he saw startled him. Two birds, crows to be exact, were sitting on a branch carefully examining him with their beady little eyes.

“Really, I was in shock. Two crows, in a tree! How often do you see that?” Tiny Dancer said, explaining that his first fear was that they had been following him from home, thinking that maybe he had a cracker or something and were planning to rob him.

“I didn’t have nothing on me, so no real reason to worry.” Tiny Dancer continued, “All the same I was scared to see them sitting there. They were quiet, then suddenly, one crowed at me.”

The two crows, names unknown, sat upon a medium level branch in the tree and gaped down at Tiny Dancer from the high perch.


Loretta was shelving jam jars when she heard Tiny Dancer's hissing

A neighbor cat, Loretta, a spayed, black, Domestic Short Hair, came out of her garage where she’d been putting away jars of freshly canned jam when she heard Tiny Dancer’s loud hissing.

“Why, I dropped one jar of strawberry preserves on the garage floor in shock and then came rushing out to the street, “ she said “I saw poor Tiny Dancer by the curb all hunkered down and hissing, and then I saw the birds, both of them…I got scared.”


Loretta's neighborhood, where the two crows were seen

The cats went and quickly called local authorities, who rushed to the scene. By the time the police got there, the crows had abandoned their vantage point for parts unknown. Police took down Tiny Dancer’s report and a witness statement from Loretta.

Tiny Dancer continued on to his friend’s house and Loretta went back to her work in the garage. All eyes are peeled in case the two crows decide to return to the scene.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large