Raccoons Can Learn From Math Games, To A Point

Sequim, WA

What is the best way to help poor, uneducated raccoons succeed at life? A study by researchers at Harvard School of Medicine's Psychology Department now sheds light on the ways certain preschool activities may, or may not, help raccoons develop cognitive skills.

Raccoons, also known as Procyon lotor, usually live in habitats of mixed forests, but with their high-degree of adaptability, have extended their reign to urban areas, where they make a really big-ass mess. As a result, the study seeks to find a way to help us relate to these creatures in an intelligent way.

Dr. Wilhelm von Ecke is Department Chair of Raccoon and Squirrel Behavior at Harvard University

The study, based on an experiment in Port Angeles, Washington, engaged raccoons in algebraic math games intended to help them grasp concepts of number and logic, and in social activities, such as eating garbage, intended to help them cooperate, learn to share and be together in a non-spastic way.

The results contained an unexpected wrinkle. Raccoons participating in the math games did retain a superior ability to grasp those concepts and even remembered them when quizzed more than a year later, compared to raccoons who either only ate garbage or did not participate. However, the exercises did not lead to better results later, when the raccoons entered a classroom setting all at once, tore a gaping hole in the ceiling, and left through the attic.

The study did not yield the success the scientists expected

"You have a significant improvement in the cognitive skills used in the games," says Wilhelm von Ecke, Professor of Psychology at Harvard and co-author of the study. "We find that the gains are persistent, until they see another raccoon or a trash bin and become distracted."

Thus, the intervention did not affect overall learning outcomes. "They got really grabby and started swearing at us and uh, (sic) started eating furniture," remarked one scientific observer, "They are really just assholes."

The study was intended to help raccoons learn to cooperate and share, but had dubious results

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

The Mere Presence Of A Dog Reduces Brain Power, Cats Say

Sequim, WA

Our cognitive capacity is significantly reduced when a dog is nearby, even if it is sleeping. That's the takeaway finding from a new study from Peninsula College. Professor Finnegan O'Reilly and co-authors conducted experiments with nearly 700 dogs in an attempt to measure, for the first time, how well cats can complete tasks when dogs are nearby, even when they're not interacting with them.

In one experiment, the researchers asked cats to sit at a computer and take a series of tests that required full concentration in order to score well. The tests were geared to measure participants' available cognitive capacity, that is, the brain's ability to hold and process data at any given time. Before beginning, participants were randomly instructed to put nearby dogs either in a crate or in another room.

"...dogs eat their own poop, and that is so disgusting," one cat said.

The researchers found that cats with dogs in another room significantly outperformed those with dogs under or near the desk, and they also slightly outperformed those participants who had kept dogs in a crate.

The findings suggest that the mere presence of a dog reduces available cognitive capacity and impairs cognitive functioning, even though cats feel they're giving their full attention to the task at hand. "We see a linear trend that suggests that as the dog becomes more noticeable, participants' available cognitive capacity decreases," O'Reilly said. "Your conscious mind isn't thinking about your dog, but it still is conscious of how stupid dogs actually are, resulting in a brain drain."

Professor O'Reilly is a Summa cum Laude graduate of Yale University

"You just can't stop thinking about how dogs eat their own poop, and that is so disgusting," one cat said. The fact that dogs do not bury their own poop, and are incapable of independent thoughts and reasoning also played a role. "They take commands from Humans, you can't help but get dumbed-down just being around them," Professor O'Reilly concluded.

The researchers found that cats who were the most friendly towards dogs performed worse compared with their less-dependent peers, but only when they kept a dog near or under the desk.

By Sharyn Thoma Guay, reporter-at-large

Bullying Blamed For Local Cat's Donut Binge at Bakery That Led To Whopping Ten-Pound Weight Gain

Sequim, WA

A local cat named Bixby, an already plump, 11-year-old, Domestic Short Hair, is in satisfactory condition today at Peninsula Hospital after a huge donut binge sent him into diabetic shock. He was seen double-fisting jelly donuts, maple bars, apple fritters, and even a croissant, at the QFC on West Washington Street and a concerned witness called 911.

But one day after the July 4th binge, an 8-year-old, male, Domestic Short-Hair named Critter filed a report with the Clallam County Sheriff's Office. He said he had overheard two female underage kittens in the QFC Deli who were threatening to "fat-shame" Bixby on both Twitter and Facebook.

911 Emergency responders found Bixby down on the floor in front of this Top Pot donut display still clutching a powdered-sugar-coated-raspberry-filled donut.

According to the Sheriff's report, one female kitten had previously bullied Bixby by posting wide-angle photos of his ample belly on Facebook. Bixby had been seen by the kittens the next day crying in public while looking at his iphone.

Both kittens were questioned as suspects by a detective and the kitten who admitted to previously posting photos of Bixby admitted to doing so at least 236 times in the last few months, and confessed to plans to repeat the disturbing actions.

The family of Bixby said they weren't aware of any bullying in the past or anything planned. They also told the Sheriff's office that Bixby seemed despondent, but said he did not complain about any incidents. Bixby had been on a low-fat, low-calorie diet plan for the last six months, without success. The parents did admit Bixby was prone to binge-eating when stressed, and showed remorse.

The victim, seen here showing the Gazette a threatening post, had been terrorized by the two kittens for months.

The other female kitten was questioned separately by a detective and said she knew nothing about it, but admitted she thought he was a "fattie", the police report says. Due to their age names were not released to the press.

One of the two kittens was promptly arrested and charged with inducing mayhem, and teasing without the use of a toy. She was suspended from being petted for 10 days with a recommendation for a slap on the rear-end, a spokesman later said.

"Bixby is so full of love, I hate that this happened to him and no one knew," said friend Pollock.

"Bixby is just amazing, just plain amazing," said Jackson Pollock, a long-time friend of Bixby. "I was a new kitten here some six years back and he showed me around town and introduced me so there would be no territorial fights and I just started fitting in with him. Hopefully he can see fit to stop eating donuts."

By Sharyn Thoma Guay, reporter-at-large

Study Finds Corgis Especially Susceptible To Distracted Driving

Edmonds, Wa

More than 4,000 dogs die each year in vehicle crashes caused by distracted driving, many of whom were texting and talking on cellphones behind the wheel, according to a new study out today from the University of Washington. Corgis appear to be especially susceptible to distraction.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimated that 89 percent of all Corgis involved in fatal crashes were believed to be distracted -- "the highest proportion of any canine group," according to the author of the report.

“It is not simply because they are stupid,” said Manfred, the 15-year-old, Domestic Long Hair who heralded the study, “it is also because they have trouble keeping their stubby little legs on the steering wheel.”


Researcher Manfred is a 2008 UW cum Laude graduate in traffic law

Texting while driving is particularly perilous. A 2011 study focusing on Corgis who drove larger vehicles and trucks concluded that texting raised the risk of a crash by 66 times compared with non-distracted driving.

Talking on a cellphone is also dangerous. "Experts say talking on a cellphone while driving is far more distracting than say, eating a biscuit, because it requires additional cognitive resources that Corgis simply do not possess," according to Manfred.

“Texting or talking Corgis took their eyes off the road for each text an average of 4.8 seconds,” Manfred said. “Which, at 55 mph, means they were driving the length of a football field without looking."


Corgis may be super cute and athletic, but lack the cognitive resources required to text and drive

Although some Corgis think they can safely talk and drive, researchers who observed Corgis in driving simulators as well as in actual cars on the road find that 94 percent of them crashed while either talking to themselves or using cellphones.

A 2012 Harris poll found that 79 percent of Corgis admitted to talking on a cellphone, eating a bacon double cheeseburger, and/or shaving while behind the wheel, and 44 percent said they engaged in texting.

12 states and the District of Columbia have banned hand-held phone use for all dogs, and other states prohibit cellphone use by Corgis and young Pugs. Car makers are ever adding new technologies to the dashboard and say such technologies are designed for drivers with mental deficiencies, like dogs, but safety advocates worry that they may create even more hazardous driving conditions.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

New Proof Bacon Gives Mental Boost to Cats With Depression

Seattle, WA

Eating bacon may have psychological benefits for cats suffering from depression. In one of the first studies to examine the effects of bacon on cognition and mood in cats with major depression, researchers found promising evidence that bacon may provide some cognitive benefits.

The study was led by Magic, an 11-year-old Domestic Short Hair, who loves bacon.

"Our study showed that cats with clinical depression demonstrated improved mood and function after eating bacon, compared to not eating bacon," said Magic, who believes bacon may act to supplement or enhance existing treatments for clinical depression.


Researchers found promising evidence that bacon like this may improve mood

Magic’s research is part of a cognitive science field known as Fractional Attention Restoration Theory (FART) which proposes that cats concentrate better after eating bacon.

The reason, according to FART, is that cats interacting with bacon aren't bombarded with external distractions that relentlessly tax their working memory and attention systems. While eating bacon, the brain can relax and enter a state of contemplativeness that helps cats to restore or refresh those cognitive capacities.

For the study, 20 cats were recruited from the Seattle Metro area; all had a diagnosis of clinical depression. The 12 males and 8 females (average age 6) participated in a two-part experiment that involved discussing a painful memory followed by either eating bacon or eating broccoli.


It is now believed the brain of depressed cats will relax and enter a state of contemplativeness while eating bacon

Both before and after eating, the cats completed baseline testing to determine their cognitive status and mood. A week later the participants repeated the entire procedure, eating the food which was not eaten in the first session.

Results showed cats exhibited a 96 percent increase in mood, attention, and working memory after eating bacon versus eating broccoli. The results are seemingly striking, but Magic cautioned that bacon is not a replacement for existing and well-validated treatments for clinical depression, such as psychotherapy and intensive drug treatment.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Study Finds Pugs More Likely To Be Bullied And Bully Others In Return

Seattle, WA

A research study out today from Washington Interactive Media for Pugs (WIMP) has found that Pugs are at a higher risk of becoming victims of bullying and that they may be more likely to act out in a way that leads to them being identified as bullies themselves.

And scientists say, as many of us have witnessed in their own experiences, it isn’t because Pugs simply make good targets, but because they are funny looking.

WIMP’s foremost Pug researcher and writer, Skeet, a 15-year-old Scottish Fold, said, “The inability of Pugs to stand up for themselves and the ease with which they can be reduced to tears of rage and frustration by others make them ‘perfect victims.'”


WIMP’s research called Pugs “perfect victims”

“(Pugs) are all too easily ridiculed for being ‘wrinkly and bowlegged’ and for their ‘gigantic, buggy eyes’, she said. “Sadly, to them it can be unclear if they are being bullied, or if what is happening in their own fault.”

Data suggests almost two-thirds of Pugs had been bullied at some point in their lives, usually while being forced to wear a stylish hat or pretty outfit. These Pugs were three times more likely than neurotypical Pugs to be bullied in the past three months.


Victims of their own limited intelligence, Pugs may face many future crises

The three most common types of bullying were psychological in nature: “being teased, picked on, forced to eat boogers or made fun of” (87%); “being ignored, smeared with honey or left out of things on purpose” (58%), and “being called thunder thighs, freaky face or other bad names” (49%). Almost a third of the Pugs also experienced physical bullying – being shoved, pushed, slapped, kicked, dressed up in bumblebee outfits, or worse.

Finally, WIMP’s research concluded that since Pugs have limited intelligence (are dumb), they may be more likely to bully others in the future without realizing or understanding that they are acting aggressive, being intimidating, or see how their behavior might be impacting those around them.

Sharyn Thoma Guay editor-at-large

Regular Cupcake Eating Shows Dramatic Increase in Life Expectancy, Study Finds

Edmonds, WA

Undertaking the practice of regular cupcake eating can increase the life expectancy of cats by 3.1 years, reveals the latest data from a National Association of Bakers study presented at the Washington Cake and Cupcake Bakers 2012 meeting.

Reviewing the evidence of whether eating cupcakes is healthy or hazardous, Eddie, a 9-year-old Persian told delegates that the study's most recent analysis (unpublished) shows that eating between 14 to 28 fudge and or chocolate-based cupcakes per week at a "slow or average" pace delivers optimum benefits for longevity.

"The results of our research allow us to definitively answer the question of whether cupcakes are good for your health," said Eddie, who is Chief Cardiologist at Virginia Mason Clinic in Seattle.


Cupcakes have long been thought to contain medicinal properties

“We can say with certainty that regular cupcake eating increases longevity,” he said. “The good news is that you are already eating them, so just don’t stop."

The debate over cupcakes first kicked off in the 1980s when middle aged cats took an avid interest in trying different types of cupcakes, cakes, cookies, and eclairs.

The investigators found that eating cupcakes (fudge and chocolate-derived choices specifically) continuously for at least 1 hour a day, 7 days a week, delivered optimum benefits, especially when eaten at an average pace.


Cats who already consume the recommended amount were reportedly overjoyed at the findings

"The relationship appears much like that of alcohol intake. Mortality is lower in cats reporting moderate and steady cupcake eating, than in non-cupcake eaters or those undertaking only the occasional extreme cupcake binge," said Eddie.

The ideal pace can be achieved by striving to feel a little breathless, making (eating the cupcakes) almost an aerobic exercise. "You should aim to feel a little breathless, but not too breathless," he advised, “Don’t eat them so fast that you can’t breathe.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large