Saturday, November 28, 2009

Local Cat Says He Cannot Work Due To String Addiction

Edmonds, WA

A local cat today has admitted to his family and co-workers what they had secretly believed for years, he is addicted to string.

Clarence, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair, says he is now unable to work due to the extreme disability stemming from his addiction. In Clarence’s case, he’s about to be homeless, and is already subsisting on food stamps.

“I have tried so many times to stop,” said Clarence but then I just get an overwhelming urge to take (string) out and claw at it, bat it around, even.”

Not many cats are aware of the very real dangers of string and yarn addiction

The issue began as a young kitten, when he would spend “hours” mesmerized by string. Desperate to get more, he said he would steal it from craft and yarn stores and horde it under his mattress.

“It was so much fun,” he said. “I just had to claw at it and whip it around the house. At first I could play for 20 minutes or so then put it away. As time went on I’d sit and all I could do was think about playing with string. I couldn’t focus, it got scary.”

“I tried to curb the urge to play with it,” he continued. “But I’ll be just about to go off to work and suddenly I gotta play with string. It’s bad.”

Concerned neighbor Barrett said he noticed Clarence’s gradual withdrawal from friends

Clarence said that if he is out of string or yarn he sometimes will go to a neighbor’s home and ask to “borrow” some. Worse yet, if none is to be found, he will make use of dental floss as a substitute.

Trouble at work began when his supervisor at the bank where he works caught him looking at pictures of soft, fluffy balls of yellow yarn on his computer during working hours. “I heard he’d been arrested once for going to the emergency room hoping to score some string,” said a co-worker who did not want to be identified.

“I got so I couldn’t go four hours without playing with string,” Clarence said. “I’d bring some to work, until one afternoon I was caught in the men’s room batting around a red ball of yarn. It was embarrassing.”

Part of The Center’s intensive treatment for string addiction involves being “unable” to move or play with string while string is present

Friends and neighbors say Clarence used to be very active, tending to his garden and frequently washing his car. They said they started to notice him withdrawing from his usual activities and said he even stopped answering the door.

“I’d go knock on his door, just to say hello to him,” said neighbor Barrett, a 5-year-old, neutered Pug. “I could hear him in there, hitting something around and breathing heavy. I knew it was string.”

After admitting his addiction, Clarence’s family has agreed to send him to a 28-day intensive inpatient rehabilitation visit at The Center, located in Edmonds. Luckily, his employer has graciously offered to hold his position until he can safely reclaim it.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, November 27, 2009

Plastic Santa Spotted In Local Yard; Police Say Threat Is Small, Yet Festive

Edmonds, WA

There were no reindeer sightings in the sunny Black Friday sky, but there were plenty of terrified neighbors and concerned family members gathered near the home where a plastic, light-up Santa was spotted.

Fear and word spread quickly of the sighting after three kittens peeing in a yard reported it to the Edmonds Police Department. Officials confirmed the presence of the Santa in the neighborhood of Main Street and Dayton Avenue just hours ago.

“As another holiday weekend unfolds we have to realize there are (Santas) out there with bad intentions,” said local cat Humphrey McGiggles, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair. “We’re not closing the streets off yet,’’ he said. “We would if we had any concerns. We’re just encouraging everyone to use common sense.’’

Simon fears for the life of his young kitten, Mahtzoh

They say there is no cause for alarm, yet state officials said one of their Santa experts just yesterday spotted at least one other Santa and also a large, stuffed Scarecrow prowling the same area.

“Oh, my God! I am so terrified for my kitten,” said Simon, a 4-year-old, Domestic Short Hair who is also a ventriloquist. “He is so tiny and fluffy, and I heard from my friend down the road that that is exactly the kind of kitten those Santas are after.”

Police said they believe the threat is small, noting that sightings of the colorful, plastic Santas, including light-up and inflatable varieties, are relatively common in the area and that the last time a person was attacked by a Santa in Washington was in 1939, when a 5-year-old cat was killed in a skirmish in Bellevue.

Felicia is so scared, she said she ‘…can’t even eat’

“I’m so scared, I can’t even eat,” said Felicia Williams, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, whose house actually borders the property where the terrifying Santa is currently hiding. “Well, okay…I can eat…but you get the idea.”

After officials received the report of the Santa(s) on the loose in the area, local police chief Aaron Keyes ordered a helicopter patrol, hoping to get a closer look and identify them with the help of a spotter.

He found one other Santa, but haze and cloud cover rolled in, depriving him of the help of the pilot, he said in a statement. Later in the afternoon, the helicopter pilot spotted another Santa, but also stated it could have been the same one he had seen earlier.

Kittens who spotted the Santa said they were ‘fricking horrified’

Edmonds Police said they would patrol the area throughout the weekend and authorities urged joggers and cats pooping in the woods to be careful, but said folks should not overreact.

“Everyone around here knows this neighborhood is like a buffet line for Santas,’’ said area resident Hiro, a 5-year-old, neutered, Seal-Point Siamese. “There are many families here with fresh, young kittens ready to be bagged and eaten.”

“There needs to be more control of these Santas,’’ Hiro said. “It would be better to have us doing the patrolling, if possible. Plastic Santas aren’t very popular around here. They tend to scare too many people away, and that’s not good for the town’s economy.’’

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Simon’s Photo Courtesy of Corinne Crammer
& Thanks to Felicia Williams (orange cat in bag)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Cat Who Ate Entire Bag Of Fortune Cookies Overwhelmed With Good Luck

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat who gave in to a recent food craving is now happy and in disbelief at the good luck he has reaped from his choice of snack food.

Ben, a 9-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair said he was shopping for bargains at his favorite store, Bartell Drugs, and saw packages of fortune cookies for only $2.99.

“I love fortune cookies,” Ben said. “I hadn’t had Chinese food in a long time, but for some reason they really sounded great.” Ben said he purchased a bag along with his other parcels and went home as usual.

Ben said he sat down for dinner that evening intending to eat a ham and Swiss croissant sandwich, but the urge to eat the cookies was too great. He said he lost control.

The fortune cookies were reportedly very delicious and crispy

“I just said the heck with it and went and got the whole bag out,” he told the Gazette. “I was sitting and watching Ocean’s Eleven by myself. I ate a few cookies, then just couldn’t stop. They are so crispy and good, before I knew it I had eaten all 65 cookies, fortunes and all.”

The next day Ben said his morning started with the feeling that a pleasant surprise was in store for him. He said a friend who he had not seen in years visited him, gifted him with a small cactus, and told him how much he valued their friendship.

Ben reported that the next day a grand party was held in his honor where his work ethic was praised, everyone telling him that he was “the best” at what he did. He said all of his talents were recognized and he was rewarded with a large raise.

Ben said he is now very relaxed and is patiently awaiting “whatever happens next”

“I remember reading a few of the fortunes in the cookies,” Ben said. “But most of them I just ate, I think. I suddenly realized that they were coming true, it was very odd, but something in me told me not to rush to judgment.”

Days later, Ben’s ultimate wish suddenly became reality when it was announced on the radio that he had won a lifetime supply of apple fritters from his favorite local bakery. Then, on a hunch, he played a few random numbers that were stuck in his head and won over $500,000.00 in the Washington State Lottery.

“It seemed wherever I went that week, happiness awaited,” he told the Gazette. “Even at the video store, they said I was their millionth customer and all my rentals would be free from now on.”

Ben said his long lost love once left him for this Siberian Husky named Phantom

Ben said he has no idea what spawned the sudden rush of good luck, but said he feels “in his belly” that it was all somehow meant to happen.

“My long lost love, who had dumped me years ago for a Siberian Husky named Phantom, suddenly called me up and said she still loved me and wanted to get back together,” Ben said. “She said ‘time is the wisest counselor’ and that she had smartened up since then.”

“I realized that my dreams must be bigger than my fears, I’m so hopeful now,” Ben said. “I look forward to the future with an open mind and heart.” Ben said he is being peaceful and patiently awaits whatever comes his way next.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, November 6, 2009

Two Cats Dead, Three Charged After Fight Over Cheez-It

Renton, WA

A dispute over a Cheez-It cracker outside a house that hosted a party in Renton erupted early yesterday morning into a violent confrontation that left 2 young cats dead and 3 others arrested for their murder, police say. A small Field Mouse, who was wounded by a flying sofa, also faces charges.

The horrible scene began at approximately 2:00 a.m., outside of a home bordering Renton Park Elementary. Police had already received two noise complaints regarding the party.

Renton Police identified the dead as Meatloaf, a 9-month-old, spayed Tortoise Shell, who was once a barber, and Pedro Gato, a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, whose wounds included a slice of American cheese to the head. Both were from Auburn.

Milo’s limp body was found stuffed into a shoe

A shredded catnip mouse, some crushed Cheez-Its, and a New Balance X-tra Wide women’s all-terrain shoe were all that remained this morning where the two were killed.

Paramedics who came to the grisly scene this morning found Meatloaf stuffed into a shoe and Pedro Gato lying in the grass. A slice of Processed Velveeta American cheese had been cut off a fresh loaf and thrown at him by a partygoer, fatally injuring him.

While it's unclear exactly what happened because there were no sober witnesses, officials have rounded up 16 cats they believe witnessed the crime.

While stuffing a victim into a shoe is a relatively sad, but common modality of murder, death by cheese slice is not.

Experts say attack with a slice of cheese is extremely rare - so rare that "you are more likely to be killed by a bolt of lightning than by (a slice of) cheese," said an investigator for the Renton Police Department.

Pedro Gato was hit with a deadly slice of American cheese

Cheshire, a 6-year-old, neutered Manx, who lives on the second floor of the house next door, said he was awakened “…by the audible slap of a slice of cold cheese to the head," and looked out a window to see a small, angry mouse chasing others around and screaming.

"It's just a horrible accident," said neighbor Baby Face, a 9-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “I heard all that loud rap music and I knew something bad was going to happen. “It was just a nightmare, everybody was screaming,” she said.

Pax Cage, an 18-month-old, male Field Mouse, suffered wounds from a flying sofa and is at Valley General Medical Center. He has been charged with assault with intent to incite mayhem.

These two minors were arrested for the murders

Two brothers and an Pygmy Goat, who are minors, were arrested and charged with murder and suspicious circumstance.

The minors, ages 4-months, and 7-months, are both being held without bail in juvenile court. Both have been treated and released for cheese-related injuries suffered during the fight.

By Tuesday evening, 11 cats and 5 kittens who had attended the party had been taken to police headquarters, where no one has admitted to cutting the cheese.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Local Cat Set To Marry After Scandalous Affair With Plastic, Hairy Gardener

Mukilteo, WA

After three months of deceit and secret-keeping, a local cat has openly confessed his love for his gardener, a 5-year-old, plastic and resin Yard Gnome named Ralph.

Although both of them are still married, Ralph and Cyrus Jasper McMuggle, a 3-year-old Abyssinian male and reported local Mafia don, have proudly come out of the closet together.

“Cyrus has found true love here,” said neighbor Janie, a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, who has lived next to Cyrus and his wife Linda Curlycat McMuggle for the past 2 years. “…And, he is not afraid to show it.”

Cyrus’ wife, Linda, is a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair Calico, who owns and operates a mime school in nearby Edmonds. She said she came home early one day, after forgetting some Cheez-Whiz, only to find the two men caught in a fiery embrace.

Linda said she’d caught the two in a scandalous embrace and threatened to expose them both

At first, Cyrus and Ralph denied the affair, saying that Linda was ‘seeing things.’ This continued even after neighbors spotted the two lovers kissing and hugging at a Coldplay concert just last June.

After the two came out as a couple to her one afternoon while she was drinking tea and eating an apple fritter, she promptly moved out of the house and is currently staying in a Motel 6.

According to reports, Ralph is spending so much time at Cyrus’ home, he may as well move in. “He even has some shoes and CDs there,” said one nosy neighbor. “The word is, he calls himself Mr. Ralph.”

Cyrus is living it up with his and Ralph’s relationship out in the open. He said he feels the worst is behind them now and they should be happy together.

Ralph, a married man himself, said he fell hard for young Cyrus

Not so says Cyrus’ wife, Linda. She says there will be Hell to pay when it comes to the divorce. No word yet from Ralph’s now estranged wife Betty, who is a 3-year-old, plastic, light-up Christmas Reindeer.

“We have been married for two years,” she told the Gazette. “My husband is an embezzler, a well-known thug, a compulsive liar, and as for that Ralph, well, he is a home wrecker, a terrible lawn mower, and a little shit.”

Sources say that the Mafia ‘thug’ will pack up his bags with Ralph and move to Vermont, where they can now be legally married.

Cyrus said he fears no threat from his Mafia friends

“Ralph is very excited about being Cyrus’ husband, and likewise,” said neighbor Janie, who says she watched the two of them fall in love over the summer during rose pruning and other garden activities. “He doesn’t care what anyone says, he loves Cyrus. He just wants to make him happy and have kids with him.”

Others say now that Cyrus is ready for his life with Ralph he should flee the state quickly, before his Mafia friends can have him knocked off for admitting his same-sex preferences.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Depressed PC Jumps To His Death Over The Threat Of The New iMac

Seattle, WA

On a sad note today a 4-year-old, metal and plastic, Hewlett Packard computer named Herman leapt out a window to his death after a fight with his wife.

The PC had chewed himself free of his Samsung 17" flat screen monitor and printer cables, and after pushing out the window screen in the study where he lived, jumped 2 stories down to his untimely death.

Police investigators interviewed neighbors, who said they heard the couple fighting increasingly often. The death has been officially ruled a suicide.

Wife Betsy said he “flat-out refused” to download the latest Windows updates

According to police, various neighbors reported hearing his wife Betsy, a 5-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, “screaming at him, hitting his keyboard in frustration, and threatening to leave him for a brand new iMac.”

"You could see them fighting through the window of their house…see her goading him on," said another source. "She'd flip out and tell him he was too slow then push his power button on and off, yelling at him and pulling at his mouse. He just sat there, helpless.”

Betsy admitted she regrets the abuse she heaped on him, but stated he had been in poor health of late and had “flat-out refused” to download any new Microsoft Windows updates to improve himself.

Neighbors lament the sad death of the PC, “it’s just wrong” said one

"We got in fights, like, every night," Betsy admitted. "He'd just start moving really slow and then just freeze up and stop responding to me. Once he even called me ‘invalid!’”

"It was so frustrating with him," Betsy continued. "He just got to a point where all he did was give me error messages. It was like he just couldn't do more than one thing at a time."

"It was only a matter of time," said one close family insider on the condition of anonymity. "She was telling everyone how bad his 'performance' was. She said he couldn't go very long without freezing up on her."

Betsy was seen canoodling with this sleek new iMac at the local mall

A local mall employee called police after seeing Betsy's photograph in the paper, saying he had seen her just the week before at the Apple store cavorting with a sexy, young iMac.

"They were all over each other," said the source. "She was gazing into (the iMac's) screen and holding his mouse. She ought to be ashamed!"

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Photo: Katie (as Betsy) Thanks to Debbie Glovatsky
IMac Photo: Courtesy of

Monday, October 26, 2009

Cats Who Nearly Crashed Airplane Were Shopping Online, NTSB Says

Seattle, WA

Two cat pilots who work for American Airlines have told investigators that they were buying “cute outfits” on their laptops, a clear violation of company policy, while the plane they were piloting nearly crashed into the Rocky Mountains, the National Transportation Safety Board said today.

The pilot, Xango, a 9-year-old, neutered, Siamese Mix, and co-pilot, Slim, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, were both perusing scarves and hats “with ears on them” when they noticed the plane about to crash into the rocky crags, and quickly pulled up.

The cats said in interviews conducted over the weekend that they were not fatigued while shopping online and didn't fall asleep, the board said in a statement.

The flight recorder showed officials every website the cats had visited since takeoff

Instead, Xango told investigators that they both had their laptops out and that he was shopping while the co-pilot, who had more experience with navigation, began mixing drinks and blending strawberry margaritas. The pilots were out of communication with air traffic controllers the whole time.

The flight recorder data reported to the NTSB showed that the cats had been to over 120 different websites, including the Kitty City Gazette, since takeoff.

Aviation safety experts who are investigating the near-crash said it was more plausible that the cats fell asleep during that phase of the flight than that they had become so focused on a silly website that they had actually forgot what they were doing and nearly killed 324 people.

Xango said he’d found “just the right scarf” before having to pull up the plane

Air traffic controllers in Seattle and Denver repeatedly tried without success to raise the cats’ flight by radio. The airline even tried contacting them using a radio message that played “Baby Got Back“ by Sir Mix-a-Lot. No one could get a response from the cats.

Authorities became so alarmed that National Guard jets prepared for takeoff at two locations and the White House Situation Room alerted senior White House officials, who monitored the flight in case it had been hijacked.

"It's inexcusable," former NTSB Chairman Jarrod Wheatly said. "I feel sorry for the cats involved, I know they didn’t get their purchases made in time, but sometimes you lose the internet connection up there."

Xango was sent to his room without dinner after the incident

Both cats told the board they had never had an accident, incident or violation, the board said. After nearly crashing the plane and killing all 324 people on board, Xango was sent to his room without dinner, where he reportedly cried for six hours straight.

The cats acknowledged that while they were engaged in shopping on their laptops they weren't paying attention to radio traffic, messages from their airline or their cockpit instruments, the NTSB said.

The panel ruled that from now on, pilots would not, for a period of time, be able to surf the internet on laptops or buy outfits online unless one of the two were actually flying the plane.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Cat Who Accidentally Farted In Public Shunned By Small Town Employers

Sequim, WA

A cat who accidentally farted while shopping at the local Walgreen’s drugstore claims he is being shunned and discriminated against by townsfolk and potential employers because of the incident.

Finn Riley McBagby, is a 4-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long-Hair Ginger, who lives on Hendrickson Road in the small town of Sequim, population 5,700.

He said he accidentally farted “very loudly” while walking down an aisle at Walgreen’s after picking up a prescription and has been treated with dirty looks and rampant discrimination ever since.

The incident happened at the local Walgreen drugstore

“I didn’t mean to fart out loud, or so loud,” Finn told the Gazette. “It was a huge embarrassing mistake. I tried to muffle it, but it just snuck out. I was just as surprised as anyone else that it happened.”

Finn said after the fart became audible, he quickly said “ouch,” and looking down, quickly scuffed his shoe on the linoleum floor as if to suggest the fart was not really a fart, but the result of some other type of happenstance event like tripping or simply dragging his shoes.

“There were lots of people there that day who heard (the fart),” Finn said. “One cat, a real gossip, she heard it and dropped the box of tampons she was holding. She scowled at me and quickly ran out of the store, probably to tell everyone she knew what I’d done.”

Finn says he “regrets” the unfortunate farting incident

Finn, who lost his job at the Pizza Factory in early September, claims to have since applied for more than 30 jobs and registered his resume with countless temporary agencies since the fart incident, and has not received any response.

Finn said he is now convinced that he is being discriminated against for farting so loudly in public and claimed one recruitment agency said it would not be able to find him a job because "their clients wouldn't like it.”

Finn said, "I think employers feel uneasy about taking me on. A lot of people see my face and all they can think of is that one fart. I get funny looks from people everywhere I shop now. It’s like they all know and expect me to do it again.”

Spokescat Barbarella is now dedicated to helping young Finn

A spokescat for the charity ‘Silencing the Stigma,’ which supports cats who have farted in public places, said today, "If employers are unfamiliar with farting in public, they can, on some unconscious level, make an unfair judgement about someone based on their past, unfortunate farts.” The cat, a 12-year-old, spayed Manx named Barbarella, said she would gladly represent Finn and help him find a job within the greater Sequim or Port Angeles area.

Many cats think that public gas/farting discrimination legislation was first introduced in the mid-1990s. However, the fact is that such laws have been in force for more than 60 years to protect their rights and keep them from becoming victims of a society determined to shut them out or humiliate them.

Before 1995, the legislation dealing with the employment of cats who have farted in public consisted of the Fart Act of 1944 and the Accidental Fart Doctrine of 1945. These statutory provisions introduced a quota system whereby employers with 20 or more employees had to ensure that at least 1% of their workforce were registered as having farted in public.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Barbarella Photo: Thanks to Mary Ann Browning

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Lemon Law Protects Consumers From Defective Kittens

Seattle, WA

Hundreds of consumers are thankful today for a law protecting their rights after they adopted kittens they claim are now “malfunctioning” and “defective.” Complaints range from sudden, erratic bursts of acceleration to outright breakdowns and exhaust failure.

"I felt so smug for a while," said Chessie, a 4-year-old, spayed Tortoise Shell of her new kitten Rutherford. "Especially being in Seattle, I felt like one of the ‘in crowd’ to have a mixed-race kitten."

The kitten had a "cute little body" that Chessie loved, and she reveled in playing around like a "new mom," watching the energy-usage display on the kitten’s center console. She just never expected maintenance issues with such a new kitten.

This terrifying kitten reportedly ate an entire poodle in just a half-hour

She recalled a rainy evening when she was out for a walk when suddenly she felt the kitten hydroplaning out of control, and when she glanced at the speedometer she realized the kitty had shot up to 90 mph.

She reported to the Gazette that she pushed on the brakes, but they were dead. Then just as suddenly as the kitten had taken off, it shut down, leaving her stuck out in the rain on a cold night.

The company that produced the kittens claimed they were “low mileage” and “gently used,” citing volumes of complex technology that went into manufacturing them.

Young Rutherford, above, reportedly accelerated and stalled while out on a walk one rainy night

“Sometimes the kittens will accelerate on their own,” said a lawyer representing one adoptive family in a statement. “Sometimes they unexpectedly stop dead. Users of the kittens have discovered they can be an unexpected adventure.”

“I brought that thing home and the first thing it did was eat my mother-in-law’s poodle,” said Rambo, a 5-year-old, neutered, Manx from Bellevue. “That little thing got me into a lot of trouble and I want some answers.”

One sad parent recounts a story in which she was sitting, petting her new kitten, when suddenly, “…it took off in a sudden burst of acceleration, veered madly to the left, went screaming down two flights of stairs and into the laundry room wall, where it left a huge dent.”

Dexter reportedly stalled and stopped multiple times

“When I got my new Dexter home, I could tell there was something wrong,” said Mary-Jane, a 3-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “He’d get up and try to run and then just suddenly stall out and fall asleep.”

“I don’t know what was wrong with mine, but the exhaust from that thing was abhorrent,” said Bilko, a 6-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who adopted a kitten with his domestic partner. “I took him to the muffler shop but they said if I did anything to him it would void the warranty.”

Angry consumers are encouraged to file a claim. Before you attempt to claim a refund or replacement under Lemon Laws, you must give written notice by certified mail to the manufacturer and its dealer or repairing agent.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Large Hairball Found In Park May Be Mostly Grass

Edmonds, WA

The remains of a large, crusty, hairball found today in an Edmonds park are probably that left by Big Daddy Pepper, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair, who was already facing vandalism charges stemming from allegations that he maliciously chewed up grass and threw it up in public.

Big Daddy Pepper disappeared into Marina Park on Friday night with a full stomach after bathing and was believed to be entering the park specifically to eat grass.

A retired donut-maker, who did not want to be named, walking in the park early this morning located the large, unsightly hairball and immediately notified Edmonds Police.

Big Daddy Pepper is thought to have left the state

Officials did not reveal the intended motive of the incident, and Officer Larry David told the Gazette that authorities were still fervently trying to identify the contents of the hairball.

''This is a terrifying thing to find, and we believe it was deliberately thrown up here by its owner,'' said Bandit, a 3-year-old, spayed, Calico, who heads the small C.S.I. team. ''It is disgusting to think that someone out there is using the park as their own private garbage can.''

Law-enforcement officials searched the park for Big Daddy Pepper for hours before finally calling off the search around 8:00a.m. One witness is said to have given a 'very accurate' description of the hairball to a police sketch artist.

Bandit said she was “disgusted…”

Results of preliminary chemical analysis show the hairball to most-likely contain 76% grass and/or crab grass, 13% hair, 7% missing puzzle pieces, and 4% mint-flavored dental floss.

Hairballs are common to the park and other parks around the city. They can sometimes weigh 25 to 100 pounds and are considered extremely dangerous when provoked.

In rare cases, evil, scary hairballs have been found. All share customary traits; they can be hairy, unruly, and hideous creatures with sharp teeth, dirty nails, and bloodshot eyes. The hairballs can be either big and horrific, or small and terrifying, not unlike Humans.

One witness provided police with this sketch of the mysterious hairball

The Edmonds Parks Department estimated there have been about 40 to 50 hairballs reported in Marina Park in the past 6 to 8 months, meaning the total number of hairballs being discovered is on the rise.

Big Daddy Pepper, who is known to residents of the area, is thought to have fled to another state to avoid arrest. His family later issued a statement saying they feared he was to blame.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Photos: Thanks to Callie for Bandit

Friday, September 11, 2009

Local Kitten Teased At Recess

Edmonds, WA

It was a sad day today on the sunny playground of Lynndale Elementary School, where young kitten Bunion, a 10-month-old, Domestic Short Hair male, was teased yet again about his big ears.

“They said I look like Dumbo...” said Bunion, who was found crying in the corner of the boy’s bathroom mid-recess by a teacher. “Why don’t they like me and who is Dumbo?” Bunion has repeatedly been the victim of nasty teasing by other kittens at the school due to his abnormally-sized ears.

There have been repeated attacks on young kittens at the school by bullies in the past few months according to Principal Tiara. “We are aware that there are a few bullies in our midst.” said the Principal. “It is a normal part of any kittens life and it will pass.”

The site of the bullying, Lynndale Elementary School

Not so certain of that fact however, is Bunion. Bunion said he dreads recess, especially indoor recess, and usually heads for the boy’s bathroom after most kittens have left the classroom. “If I hide in there, no one will bother me.” he said. “I used to go out and play tetherball by myself, but then these three other kittens would come over and take the ball and make it hit me in the face.” Buinion wiped away tears as he recounted the act of bullying. “They laugh at my ears and call me a pansy.”

Bullying is actually a big problem that affects lots of kittens. Three-quarters of all kittens say they have been bullied or teased. Being bullied can make kittens feel really bad. The stress of dealing with bullies can also make kittens feel sick and unwanted.

These three kittens, Malachai, Kiwi, and Parsnip reportedly bullied young Bunion

Bullies often pick on someone they think they can have power over. Getting a big reaction out of any kitten can make bullies feel like they have the power they want. Sometimes bullies pick on someone who is smarter than they are or different from them in some way.

Sometimes bullies just pick on a kitten for no reason at all. The bullies who picked on young Bunion are just such types. Three kittens, Malachai, Kiwi, and Parsnip, accused of bullying Bunion have been repeatedly written up and given detention for acts of bullying.

Dr. Tinycat said to do your best to ignore bullies

Dr. Tinycat, a noted pediatrician and child psychologist from the University of Puget Sound said there are things you can tell your kitten if he or she is being bullied. “Stand tall and be brave, feel good about you, and get yourself a buddy.” Dr. Tinycat said to “…Pretend you don't hear the bullies when they come at you. Walk away quickly to a place of safety near other kittens or cats. Bullies usually want a big reaction to their meanness. Acting as if you don't don't care is giving no reaction at all, and this might stop a bully's behavior.”

After speaking with a guidance counselor and the school nurse, young Bunion was sent home with a note from the nurses office and promptly fell asleep in a large bucket of warm laundry.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Photo: Black cat - Thanks to Eric!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

String Racetrack Set To Close, Regulars Grow Nostalgic

Tukwila, WA

A ban set by voters in the King County area has regulars counting down the very last days of string racing at Longacres Park, the very first live string racing track in Washington State, set to close Sunday.

Opponents of string racing said racing was ‘inhumane’ and abusive to the string and cited numbers supporting too many balls of string had been put down as a result.

“To me it’s so crazy," said a track insider. “I know personally that the string and yarn are treated first class. There’s no abuse here."

Carob said “…this is my life.”

In string racing, bets are made and when the starting gate opens, balls of string come careening out onto the track. Cats clench their paws to the rail, feeling the raw horsepower of the string as it hurls down the track, furlong after furlong.

Jaws clench, tickets are clutched, hair is pulled, peanuts fly. Seven balls of string, roll around the turn and into the stretch and the regulars crowd the rail.

“I love this place,” said Janie, a 13-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair as she put down her Daily Racing Form. “I will miss it.

Track insiders say the string is treated ‘first class’ and never abused

On race days, patrons walked in circles, scanning their programs, and muttering to themselves, looking for a winner amidst all the numbers. “I’ll take 20 to win on the Yellow and Red Cotton Blend in the third,“ one cat said to a teller.

“I love the live races," said Carob, a 16-year-old, neutered, Chocolate-Point Siamese, who lost his job at a steel mill last November. “Always have. This is my life. There is nothing like the thrill of the track."

Some cats at the track are middle-management dads, who sneak away from work at lunch hoping for a spot of luck. Others are Vietnam vets, cats who are unemployed, bored, who meet others for a beer, hoping for that one ‘long shot’ ball of string who comes in at 90-1 odds.

Boingo, at 20, is one of the oldest track regulars

“This place is my home, I love it; the smells, the thrills, the people,” said Jasper, a 17-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, who traveled all the way by bus from Lynnwood to see the races. “It is what I do every day. I have no idea what I will do with myself now.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, September 7, 2009

Cat Caught Exposing Himself In Store Blames Tight Underwear

Edmonds, WA

A local cat is facing charges after he was caught following another cat in a grocery store and then exposing and fondling himself, according to police.

A checkout clerk at the Edmonds QFC on 196th noticed the cat walking back and forth between some potatoes and strawberries in the produce section. He told police in a statement that he had never seen the cat in the store before and decided to keep an eye on him.

The clerk said the cat at first lingered in the bakery area, eating free cookie and donut samples, and then began following a female cat around the store, watching her touch and feel watermelon.

Izzy was groping watermelon at the Edmonds QFC

The clerk said his jaw dropped to the floor as the cat dropping his pants, fondled himself and then pulled his pants back up.

The clerk, still in shock, contacted police, who promptly arrived at the store and arrested the cat. The cat, Boris Peabody, is a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, who has never had a run-in with the law.

The female cat did not see what the cat had been doing because he was hidden behind a large Heinz ketchup kiosk. She simply chose her melon and went on to the bulk foods section.

Izzy had no idea she was being watched by some creep

“I had no idea what was going on,” said the cat, Izzy, a 1-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair of the exposure. “One minute I was grabbing some nuts and the next the police were there asking me if I saw what he did.”

“He came from this direction, to this spot and he walked back there and he stopped and went like this…" A witness (who was then also arrested for indecency) explained as he showed police exactly how the cat exposed himself.

Boris, who refused to be interviewed by the Gazette, said he did not intentionally expose himself to the unsuspecting female cat and blamed his European-style underwear, which he claimed was too tight, according to police documents.

This grocery clerk was quick to notify police

"I want cameras in here,“ said the grocery clerk who reported the incident, exhibiting concern for the safety of his customers. “I think it would be good for the common areas and so I can record it if it happens again.”

Boris has been charged with one count of disorderly conduct and giving false information to a police officer. He was not charged with indecent exposure because the grocery clerk thought he had a nice ass.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Local Bats Angered At Racial Slur

Forks, WA An attorney defending three local kittens in a robbery case apologized yesterday for saying his clients' behavior regarding...