Cat Who Farted In Tanning Bed Laughed Away In Shame

Edmonds, WA

A local cat today is hanging her head in shame after accidentally farting in a local tanning salon which was full of cats waiting to tan.

The cat, Janet, a 12-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair who works at Premera Blue Cross, told police she was feeling “very relaxed” and that (the fart) just “accidentally happened.”

“You just have got to know better than to do such things,” said Brandi, a 2-year-old Abyssinian who works at the salon. “Everyone knows it’s like an echo chamber in there.”


Each day many cats flock to the salon to get a start on their Summer tans

A witness at the scene said normally there is upbeat, thumping music playing to compensate for any (farts) that might occur during the normally 15-20 minute tanning sessions.

The Edmonds salon, Electric Beach Tanning, told the Gazette their stereo systems were down for repair that day.

“Janet was probably unaware that the music systems were down,” said tanning bed operator Brandi. “She usually brings her own iPod instead of using our own internal headphone units.


As with most tanning salons, the rooms are private, yet open

While Janet and other cats tanned, there were some six others queued up in the waiting room, reading US Weekly and sipping water.

“She had no idea it was completely silent in the waiting area,” Brandi stated. “Those beds are hard plastic, it was loud.”

All of the tanning units are in individual rooms, as per the usual design, but to keep rooms from overheating there is no roof, resulting in a completely open environment.


Brandi said “those beds are hard plastic, it was loud.”

“The fans were going, just like normal,” said another witness. “She was in tanning room one and it's in the front, so when she (farted), not only could we hear a wild ripping noise, but the fans started blowing it all around and we couldn’t stop laughing.”

Some said they were “startled and shocked” by the sudden noise. One cat described the ordeal stating “…it was like being shot at by a sniper from some unseen machine gun.“

Some two minutes later, Janet exited the tanning bed only to find everyone laughing at her. With her head low, she slinked out the door to her car.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Local Cat Busted For Hoarding Peanut Butter

Edmonds, WA

His compulsion is peanut butter. Creamy, chunky, extra-chunky, and even organic, and it has catapulted him and his family into an emotional and financial tailspin.

Spumoni, a 14-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, first recognized he had a problem about three weeks ago, when Fred Meyer stores held a sale in which each variety of their Kroger brand peanut butter was priced at $1.29 or $2.29 each, depending on the size.

"I was literally shaking, trying to get dressed to get to the store," Spumoni recalled. "I went to three or four different stores that day, I had a friend on the phone going to one near him to buy for me, and I had my mom and neighbors online ordering too.”


Peanut butter confiscated from his home was labeled “damaged” and divvied up between excited officers

“I grabbed jar after jar of peanut butter I didn't need,“ Spumoni said. “I bought four of the Extra Crunchy kind in two different sizes." By the end of the day, Spumoni’s compulsion had cost over $800.

Although the American Medical Association and U.S.D.A. recommends cats keep at least 25-50 extra jars of peanut butter on hand at any given time, Spumoni said he was going “too far.”

At the height of his addiction, Spumoni estimates that he spent well over $1,200 a week and eight to 10 hours a day, every day, shopping for peanut butter on the Web.

He described nights awake in bed worried someone somewhere had posted an ad for peanut butter on sale and that he was missing out.

Witnesses saw him sweating profusely and nervously filling a grocery cart to its brim and notified the proper authorities who jailed him and searched his home.


Police armed only with small handguns conducted a thorough search of Spumoni’s home

“I would log on at three in the morning sometimes,” he confessed to police. Spumoni later admitted he would stay online until his mother woke up, then start all over again once she went to work.

"I'd get a rush, a physical high," he said. "It got so bad that just thinking about shopping for peanut butter, I'd start to shake."

Maxed-out credit cards, more than $135,000 in peanut butter-related debt, and finally an arrest convinced Spumoni that he needed to kick the habit.


Police found this peanut butter maker (the possession of which is a misdemeanor) hidden in his Edmonds-area home

Now on parole for this serious violation, he joined a group at the Peanut Butter-Addiction and Recovery Clinic and has vowed to cut down purchases to $150.00 a day.

He thinks the worst is over but added, "I don't know if I'll ever be normal." Meanwhile, his family struggles to untangle the financial mess his obsession has wrought.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Suspicious Looking Cooler Was Hiding Diet Cokes, Fruit, Feds Say

Edmonds, WA

Streets in downtown Edmonds were closed off late Thursday afternoon after a local cat reported a suspicious-looking cooler “loitering” at the Quick Stop 24-hour market.

F.B.I. agents closed the Quick Mart, which re-opened about 5 hours later. Agents at the scene called the suspect, a 2-year-old, white, 50-quart Igloo Cube Cooler named Jake, “a possible threat.”

The suspect was found to have been hiding some 24 cans of Diet Coke, a container of sliced fruit, 2 apple fritters, and was said to have been searching for even more drinks to chill before being caught.


Crunk saw the suspicious cooler and alerted authorities

“I tried to get him to talk, to ask what he was doing there,” said witness Crunk, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, of the suspect he later reported. “He just wouldn’t open up,” he stated.

The cooler is currently being held in the Federal Detention Center in Seattle.

Documents show Jake is originally from Canada, where he previously lived in a Wal-Mart store with a group of some 50 other Coolers, and is in the country illegally.

Jake will spend at least 14 weeks behind bars and must pay a $25,000 fine for unlawful possession of apple fritters before being deported to Canada when he is released, reports said.


Jake was arrested after a cat saw him loitering outside a local Quick Stop

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Lonely Shopping Cart Sadly Takes Own Life

Lynnwood, WA

The life of a shopping cart has come to an end after losing an ongoing battle with depression.

Augustine, a 4-year-old, blue and plastic Shopping Cart was found dead in the back alley behind the Albertson’s on Aurora Avenue and 196th street this morning. His wife, Ramona the Pest is inconsolable.

Augustine had been employed by Albertson’s for nearly his entire life when he was suddenly laid off last December.

“I knew that he was depressed,” said Ramona, a 5-year-old, spayed Tortoise Shell. "I felt helpless."


“He was so worried about money” said Ramona

“We used to go for walks every night," she said. "More and more I was noticing he’d pull away from me and just drift off in another direction.”

“It was a terrible shock to him,” Ramona said, “He tried to get a job at both Safeway and Fred Meyer, but they use black carts or red, they told him they had no use for a blue cart. It was very hard on (him).”

Ramona said Augustine became more and more withdrawn and eventually his health began to fail him. “He was so worried about money.” Ramona said.


Friend Fred said he ‘knew’ something was wrong

Friends also noticed the change the young cart. Fred, a 2-year-old, plastic and metal Shopping Cart from Trader Joe’s said “He stopped playing in our weekly poker games and he didn’t return anyone’s calls. We all knew he was going downhill.”

Ramona told police Augustine left the house Wednesday night saying he was ‘very tired and needed to be alone.’ A local cat reported seeing the cart laying dead in the back alley this morning and called police, who retrieved his wallet and contacted Ramona.

“His left rear wheel would get stuck sometimes, or rattle really loud,” she told the Gazette, “It was very wobbly, I know he was embarrassed about it, he thought that was why they let him go."


Ramona misses her nightly walks with Augustine

Instead of seeking help for his new disability, Augustine grew despondent and began to drink motor oil. “I guess he thought it would help with the pain, but it changed him.” Ramona said.

The once-happy couple met on a chance shopping trip two years ago, when Ramona happened to choose him as a cart.

“I know I missed all the warning signs, but I thought my love for him could pull him through.” she lamented. “I do remember him saying that he was tired of being pushed around, but I never thought he would take his own life.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Photos By Me

Rampant Paper Towel Eating Reported At Building Owned By Top Senate Aide

Edmonds, WA

Top ranked Senate Aide Corky, a 5-year-old, spayed, Russian Blue and her domestic partner Fibby, also 5, evicted a tenant from a Main Street two-story apartment building they own after neighbors identified it as the site of rampant paper towel eating, police said today.

Corky said she learned of the problems at the building after Edmonds Police met with building supervisors as part of a program targeting alleged drug houses.

“Apparently someone had seen (the tenant in question) eating and shredding roll after roll of paper towels,” said an insider. “Just mindlessly ripping into them, as if in a trance. I guess they called the cops.”


The paper towel eating occurred in this Edmonds apartment building

An officer involved in the meeting gave the building owners a document indicating they knew paper towels were being eaten at the property.

“We’re landlords here just like everyone else,,” Corky said. “We did what we had to do as soon as we found out about it. It is a travesty. We, as a couple, do not eat paper towels ourselves and want to put this issue to rest.”

Reports say the F.B.I. is reviewing the case for possible legal action under an Edmonds ordinance intended to target and clean up homes used by gangs or by drug dealers.


Neighbors said Buddy appeared to be a “nice boy…”

The evicted tenant, Buddy, a 2-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short-Hair, said he had “no idea” that eating paper towels was illegal, despite the fact the he hesitated over letting police inside, and had over 125 rolls stashed in the apartment along with 50 rolls of double-ply toilet paper, and 72 bags of Mini Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies.

When confronted by police, Corky said Buddy simply “feigned ignorance, even with scraps of (paper towel) hanging from his mouth.”

“He looked to be a nice boy, a single cat,” said an elderly neighbor of the young cat, who had lived next door to her for the past year and a half. “He said he knew nothing about eating paper towels.”


Corky is a well-known top-ranked Senate Aide

Corky and Fibby were at the property today overseeing repairs. They found the entire floor covered 3 inches deep with garbage, broken pipes, and empty paper towel and toilet paper rolls.

Corky and Fibby have owned the building since late 2001 and said they never had any problems with tenants before.

Government statistics from a 2009 survey show that 97% of the United States Feline population has tried paper towels, peanut butter, or other illicit drugs at least once in their lives.

“This is the first time we have had an issue like this,” Corky said. “Unfortunately, eating paper towels is an all too common problem that is often misdiagnosed and overlooked.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Photos of Buddy: Thanks to Anthony Marchese

Chicken Found Near Dumpster Was Murdered, Say Police

Edmonds, WA

The remains of a dead chicken have been found near a dumpster off Highway 99, Edmonds Police said.

Authorities first believed the victim jumped from the side of the dumpster in an apparent suicide attempt, but further investigation revealed multiple stab wounds and a missing leg.

CSI units stated the victim, whose name has not yet been released, was stabbed repeatedly in the breast and thighs with a plastic knife and fork late Monday night in the parking lot of an Albertson’s store.


One of the witness who found the remains also saw a fork nearby

The Chicken, a 3-hour-old Lemon Pepper Flavored Pre-Cooked Deli Chicken had been staying at the Albertson’s Deli with friends before she disappeared.

A witness found the chicken’s body laying prone on the pavement, a fork and unopened packet of ground pepper by her side and called police about 6:30 p.m.

EMTs at the scene tried to resuscitate the chicken and apply BBQ sauce, but it was too late.


The victim was found stabbed near this dumpster

“It smelled really good,” said Alec, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “I know it’s sad, but it made me hungry.”

Police cordoned off the area surrounding the dumpster for further investigation. “It’s not a pleasant thing to deal with for everyone involved,” police said.

Since the Albertson‘s Deli began serving hot, ready-to-eat Chicken some years ago, more than 2,000 Chickens have lost their lives, causing the area near the deli to sometimes be locally referred to as “Suicide Ridge.”


"It smelled so good" stated a witness

In 2002, the store underwent a $10-million renovation that included the installation of a multi-Chicken rotisserie oven and two new hot deli counters.

No further details were available at press time.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Lost Dinner Fork Found Dead On Lynnwood Street

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat is in custody today after DNA evidence linked him to the apparent murder of a dinner fork found today.

Early Sunday morning, according to Lynnwood Police reports, a local cat was jogging on his usual route when he came to a fork in the road.

The victim, a 10-year-old, Stainless-Steel Dinner Fork, had been reported missing from the Pine Cone Cafe Friday night.


Witness Ellie reported the sad finding of the murdered fork

Sadly, the fork was found smashed flat onto the pavement of 64th street in a quiet Lynnwood neighborhood.

“I was shocked…absolutely shocked,” said witness, Ellie, a 4-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair after discovering the fork. “I’d never seen such carnal violence.”

Police arrived and brought with them a mobile CSI unit which immediately identified traces of peanut butter on the tines of the dead fork, thus labeling the incident a wrongful death.


Cory is a known felon and peanut butter addict

Police have released DNA test results from the peanut butter residue which are an exact match to a local cat named Cory, a 12-year-old neutered Long-Haired Siamese Mix. Police also said Cory is a known felon and peanut butter addict who was seen in the area recently with peanut butter smeared on his face.

"Technology has made this an open and shut case," said forensic investigator Mark Graham. "In this case, it led us right to the doorstep of the killer."

The name of the missing fork is being withheld until next of kin is notified.


The scene of the crime was preserved by police for CSI investigators

Police believe the unnamed fork was walking home from work eating peanut butter when either robbed or assaulted.

Whether the murder was accidental or planned will determine the sentence given to Cory, who is now in police custody on $250,000.00 bail.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large
Fork Photos: Sharyn
Cat Photo Courtesy: Cory's mom, Lori