Deadly Gas Explosion Caused By Fiber One Bars Not Faulty Pipeline, ATF Says

Sequim, WA

Three Sequim High School classrooms were completely destroyed yesterday by a terrifying series of gas explosions that killed nine cats and hospitalized 20 kittens.

Investigators sent from the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) concluded the gas emanated from a cat who ate an entire box of Fiber One granola bars rather than a crack in a gas pipeline as was previously believed.

The cat in question later admitted to the farts that caused the explosions.


Gas clouds reached up to 2,300 feet high, witnesses said

“The first thing I heard was a rumble, then all of the sudden a big explosion, like BOOM," said Chester, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The heat (from the farts) shot up the rows and the gas (from the farts) engulfed the classroom.”

The blasts shot a fireball into the air that consumed several wall maps and a globe in an instant. One cat was blasted free from his britches, which were incinerated by the dense heat.

After the initial explosions, NASA reported the (fart) gas clouds reached up to 2,300 feet high and could be seen from space.


“It was…like BOOM,” said Chester

Temperatures and odors from the blast were so extreme that when the first fire truck got to the scene, its windshield immediately cracked into shards and witnesses saw paint bubbling up on parked cars, one official said.

One lethal stinking fume crept out an open window and seared an eight inch hole through the soft canvas top of a 2006 Jeep Wrangler.

The (fart) explosion left a 15-foot crater at its epicenter.

Nine cats are dead while 20 others suffered first, second, and third-degree burns on their arms and tails from the radiating temperatures. One cat, who was seated in the classroom near the (farter), survived, but has a scalded pink bald stripe down the center of his skull to remind him of the terrifying incident.


Fiber One bars are well known to cause gas attacks and have been linked to terrorist groups since 2007

ATF investigators crawled the pipes under the building and determined them to be safe, they then captured and questioned a cat, who had been seen two days before,hiding Fiber One Bar wrappers under some rocks.

“Now that the source of the (farts) has been determined and contained we are certain there is no longer a threat,” said Edmonds Fire Chief Cricket, a 13-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “There has been a horrific tragedy, but the building is now safe.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Donut Who Had Heart Attack Blames Own Ingredients

Sequim, WA

A 2-day-old raspberry-filled, powdered, sugar-coated-donut named Ken, stated in court Friday that his heart attack was the fault of the bakery who made him.

A lawyer representing the donut claimed the Safeway bakery where he lived knowingly used trans-fat-laden oils in such an amount to cause the young donut’s heart attack.

Ken told a jury of 11 cats and one Pug he was taken home two days ago in a box along with 12 other donuts and was sleeping peacefully in a pink bakery box when his symptoms began.


Ralphie said he had “fully intended” to eat Ken until he noticed he was ill

"The next morning I got up and felt this really painful burning sensation in my middle and within 20 minutes I was losing my filling,” said Ken.

The cat who bought the donuts, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Ralphie, stated he thought at first the donut was “feigning his symptoms” to avoid being eaten.

Once he saw the donut was suffering he immediately put him in a napkin and rushed him to the ER at Swedish Hospital in Edmonds.


Safeway refused to comment for this story

EKGs done at Swedish Medical Center showed a serious, near-fatal heart attack. ER records indicate the donut had lost most of his powdered sugar coating and was lucky to be alive.

Doctors advised the donut the heart attack was most likely caused by trans-fats found in his system. They said the percentage was more than one third of the RDA allowance. Doctors performed a double-raspberry-bypass on the donut and he was sent home.


Doctors performed a double bypass on the donut in the ER

Safeway bakeries later countered in their opening statement that its extensive studies of the level of trans-fats in individual donuts showed no evidence it caused heart attacks with short-term use.

Safeway maintained that inactivity, such as laying around “doing nothing” in glass cases or in bakery boxes, not trans-fats, led to the heart attack. Jurors are expected to return a verdict next week.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Study On Human Attention Span Abandoned After Lack Of Interest

Sequim, WA

Previous research has proven that the attention span of a human is about eight seconds, down from tw






























































Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Bar Patrons Typically Underestimate Inebriation, Especially Cats, Study Says

Port Angeles, WA

Research suggests that college-age cats, squirrels, birds, and dogs drinking alcohol at restaurants and nightclubs are at a much higher risk for drunk driving and drunk-texting after drinking.

Self-breath-testing kits are not found at these establishments, and so patrons generally assess their own intoxication levels using internal feelings, Magic-8 Balls, or guessing skills. This study examined bar patrons' own estimates of their breath alcohol concentrations in natural drinking environments.

Not knowing where you are is a good internal indicator that you've had too much to drink

Researchers recruited 250 study participants, who agreed to be questioned as they exited two bars located close to local clown colleges.

Research assistants conducted a short, 15 minute interview with each of the exiting patrons and measured their BrAC with hand-held testing devices.

Drunk cats can become unruly to the point of near breakdown

Cats with the highest-measured BrACs underestimated their levels the most, and were most likely to drive drunk, barf on walls and/or carpet, eat socks, or viciously prank one another. Some cats were simply too drunk to speak, or were seen fornicating and urinating in bushes outside the bars, giggling.

Adjusting for their measured BrAC, squirrels and birds who felt more intoxicated or who reported consuming more than 20 to 40 shots thought that their BrACs would be higher, but found their BrAC was lower. However, drunk squirrels are well-known to be in the habit of cyber-bulling and sending naughty texts on their smartphones.

Drunk squirrels are known for their wide variety of drunk-texting habits

"Squirrels and birds simply handle (inebriation) better," said one researcher, "They are species who tend to be not as show-offy (sic) as cats with their drinking and are usually better-behaved to begin with."

Dogs who participated in the study reported 'feeling' less drunk, but were more likely to make this error because they were so goddamn drunk they actually no longer had any perspective and were later found lying, sometimes asleep, on cars and sidewalks. Researchers thus called for further study to assess the association between self-estimated BrACs and driving or other reckless behavior in different species.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Raccoons Can Learn From Math Games, To A Point

Sequim, WA

What is the best way to help poor, uneducated raccoons succeed at life? A study by researchers at Harvard School of Medicine's Psychology Department now sheds light on the ways certain preschool activities may, or may not, help raccoons develop cognitive skills.

Raccoons, also known as Procyon lotor, usually live in habitats of mixed forests, but with their high-degree of adaptability, have extended their reign to urban areas, where they make a really big-ass mess. As a result, the study seeks to find a way to help us relate to these creatures in an intelligent way.

Dr. Wilhelm von Ecke is Department Chair of Raccoon and Squirrel Behavior at Harvard University

The study, based on an experiment in Port Angeles, Washington, engaged raccoons in algebraic math games intended to help them grasp concepts of number and logic, and in social activities, such as eating garbage, intended to help them cooperate, learn to share and be together in a non-spastic way.

The results contained an unexpected wrinkle. Raccoons participating in the math games did retain a superior ability to grasp those concepts and even remembered them when quizzed more than a year later, compared to raccoons who either only ate garbage or did not participate. However, the exercises did not lead to better results later, when the raccoons entered a classroom setting all at once, tore a gaping hole in the ceiling, and left through the attic.

The study did not yield the success the scientists expected

"You have a significant improvement in the cognitive skills used in the games," says Wilhelm von Ecke, Professor of Psychology at Harvard and co-author of the study. "We find that the gains are persistent, until they see another raccoon or a trash bin and become distracted."

Thus, the intervention did not affect overall learning outcomes. "They got really grabby and started swearing at us and uh, (sic) started eating furniture," remarked one scientific observer, "They are really just assholes."

The study was intended to help raccoons learn to cooperate and share, but had dubious results

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

The Mere Presence Of A Dog Reduces Brain Power, Cats Say

Sequim, WA

Our cognitive capacity is significantly reduced when a dog is nearby, even if it is sleeping. That's the takeaway finding from a new study from Peninsula College. Professor Finnegan O'Reilly and co-authors conducted experiments with nearly 700 dogs in an attempt to measure, for the first time, how well cats can complete tasks when dogs are nearby, even when they're not interacting with them.

In one experiment, the researchers asked cats to sit at a computer and take a series of tests that required full concentration in order to score well. The tests were geared to measure participants' available cognitive capacity, that is, the brain's ability to hold and process data at any given time. Before beginning, participants were randomly instructed to put nearby dogs either in a crate or in another room.

"...dogs eat their own poop, and that is so disgusting," one cat said.

The researchers found that cats with dogs in another room significantly outperformed those with dogs under or near the desk, and they also slightly outperformed those participants who had kept dogs in a crate.

The findings suggest that the mere presence of a dog reduces available cognitive capacity and impairs cognitive functioning, even though cats feel they're giving their full attention to the task at hand. "We see a linear trend that suggests that as the dog becomes more noticeable, participants' available cognitive capacity decreases," O'Reilly said. "Your conscious mind isn't thinking about your dog, but it still is conscious of how stupid dogs actually are, resulting in a brain drain."

Professor O'Reilly is a Summa cum Laude graduate of Yale University

"You just can't stop thinking about how dogs eat their own poop, and that is so disgusting," one cat said. The fact that dogs do not bury their own poop, and are incapable of independent thoughts and reasoning also played a role. "They take commands from Humans, you can't help but get dumbed-down just being around them," Professor O'Reilly concluded.

The researchers found that cats who were the most friendly towards dogs performed worse compared with their less-dependent peers, but only when they kept a dog near or under the desk.

By Sharyn Thoma Guay, reporter-at-large

Bullying Blamed For Local Cat's Donut Binge at Bakery That Led To Whopping Ten-Pound Weight Gain

Sequim, WA

A local cat named Bixby, an already plump, 11-year-old, Domestic Short Hair, is in satisfactory condition today at Peninsula Hospital after a huge donut binge sent him into diabetic shock. He was seen double-fisting jelly donuts, maple bars, apple fritters, and even a croissant, at the QFC on West Washington Street and a concerned witness called 911.

But one day after the July 4th binge, an 8-year-old, male, Domestic Short-Hair named Critter filed a report with the Clallam County Sheriff's Office. He said he had overheard two female underage kittens in the QFC Deli who were threatening to "fat-shame" Bixby on both Twitter and Facebook.

911 Emergency responders found Bixby down on the floor in front of this Top Pot donut display still clutching a powdered-sugar-coated-raspberry-filled donut.

According to the Sheriff's report, one female kitten had previously bullied Bixby by posting wide-angle photos of his ample belly on Facebook. Bixby had been seen by the kittens the next day crying in public while looking at his iphone.

Both kittens were questioned as suspects by a detective and the kitten who admitted to previously posting photos of Bixby admitted to doing so at least 236 times in the last few months, and confessed to plans to repeat the disturbing actions.

The family of Bixby said they weren't aware of any bullying in the past or anything planned. They also told the Sheriff's office that Bixby seemed despondent, but said he did not complain about any incidents. Bixby had been on a low-fat, low-calorie diet plan for the last six months, without success. The parents did admit Bixby was prone to binge-eating when stressed, and showed remorse.

The victim, seen here showing the Gazette a threatening post, had been terrorized by the two kittens for months.

The other female kitten was questioned separately by a detective and said she knew nothing about it, but admitted she thought he was a "fattie", the police report says. Due to their age names were not released to the press.

One of the two kittens was promptly arrested and charged with inducing mayhem, and teasing without the use of a toy. She was suspended from being petted for 10 days with a recommendation for a slap on the rear-end, a spokesman later said.

"Bixby is so full of love, I hate that this happened to him and no one knew," said friend Pollock.

"Bixby is just amazing, just plain amazing," said Jackson Pollock, a long-time friend of Bixby. "I was a new kitten here some six years back and he showed me around town and introduced me so there would be no territorial fights and I just started fitting in with him. Hopefully he can see fit to stop eating donuts."

By Sharyn Thoma Guay, reporter-at-large