Sunday, October 31, 2010

Cat Who Took On Plastic Pumpkin Called A “Hero”


Lynnwood, WA

A local cat was hospitalized this morning after being brutally attacked by a violent Orange, Plastic Halloween Pumpkin outside a home in Lynnwood, following a trend showing these type of vicious attacks on the rise.

Ginger Jasper, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair told the Gazette he was bringing groceries in from the car when he heard a terrifying squeal.

“I looked over my shoulder and one of those nasty pumpkins had my son cornered,” he told police in a statement. “At first I thought they were playing, but then I realized those screams were not play screams and I went to get help.”


Plastic pumpkins can be vicious and prone to attack if empty and hungry

Ginger Jasper said a neighbor heard the screams and dashed over to help. When the pumpkin saw Ginger Jasper, it quickly let go of his son, Happy, an 8-month-old, stuffed, Polyester and Cotton Disney Dwarf and attacked him instead.

“The pumpkin's jaw was locked down on (Happy’s) arm after it attacked him,” neighbor Fizzy said. “It tore into his arm, but once he got turned around, he saved his son from that beast.”

Neighbors said the two cats wrestled the pumpkin to the ground, bashing it’s large, pre-formed plastic head on the concrete and scratching at its painted-on, triangular eyes until it broke its grip and rolled away into the bushes.

Having saved his son from the pumpkin attack, neighbors and police are calling Ginger Jasper a hero.


Ginger Jasper’s bravery spared the life of son, Happy

The first three weeks of October saw more attacks by plastic pumpkins than all of last year combined, an International Plastic Pumpkin Watchdog Group said Tuesday.

"The bad economy is the major reason for the spike," said a local police officer. “These plastic pumpkins are hungry for Halloween candy and are willing to maim and rob anyone they can find to get it.”

The increase in attacks has forced many cats to patrol pumpkin gang hotspots such as doorstops and entryways. Over the past four weeks, plastic pumpkins have mounted a substantial 255 attacks, compared with 190 in all of 2008, the Bureau said.

Plastic Halloween Pumpkins are capable of many types of attack, most tend to be defensive, such as when the pumpkin is hungry and is threatened.

If the pumpkin is large, experts suggest playing dead, which lets the pumpkin know you are not a threat, which can cause it to back off.


Plastic pumpkins are dangerous when hungry or threatened, say experts

If the pumpkin is after Halloween candy, it is best to drop it and back away. If the pumpkin presses, experts say be aggressive: shout, bang on objects, or use pepper spray to scare it off.

Many pumpkins are trained fighters, others are young thugs enlisted for the job. Experts say they often go out and simply wait for a target. When they find one, the pumpkin bully smaller cats and move in, typically with 2 to 3 other armed pumpkins in tow.

“All I know is that we are all glad to be alive,” said Ginger Jasper. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had the Halloween candy in the car and that was what the pumpkin was after. You have to be very careful.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Ginger Jasper Photos: Thanks to Carol Pugh
Pumpkin Photos: Random

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Working, Jobs, Linked To Depression, Study Finds


Seattle, WA

A new study out of the University of Washington suggests cats and other animals who spend time working or studying run the risk of developing depression.

Since the 1990s working at a job whether hourly or salaried has been identified as a major predictor of future depression.

Having a job has been linked with relationship problems, health problems, aggressive behavior, peanut butter addiction and other psychiatric symptoms, they said.


A psychotic break forced Ling Mao to take a disability leave after just two hours of data entry work

"Given the results obtained from the study, even mentally healthy young kittens may succumb to depression after just a few hours of work,” said Oliver Roundbottom, a 6-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair who pioneered the project.

Subjects who performed light office work and made color copies cried on average 59% more often than subjects who were at home asleep.

Billy, a 2-year-old Vampire Bat said he experienced post-traumatic stress symptoms after using white-out to make corrections for his boss.

Two cats and one Pug in a focus group experienced devastating mental breakdowns after a lunch meeting ran late by just ten minutes. “The mental health consequences of working are devastating," said Roundbottom.


Billie said he “still cries” every time he imagines using white-out

At the start of the study researchers classified 0.2% of the participants as being depressed and 2.9% as seriously at risk.

After a 4-hour work shift, participants were re-assessed for depression and anxiety. Researchers found 88% had symptoms of anxiety and 97% had become depressed, itchy and confessed to suicidal ideation.

The conclusive findings support the previous long held belief that cats and other animals should not work, study or try to concentrate.


Roundbottom said the consequences of working are "devastating"

Researchers state the results of any type of labor, whether real or imagined, may result in the manifestation of insidious, debilitating psychological disorders.

Those subjected to work were given psychological counseling after the conclusion of the study and given recommendations to gamble, binge-eat and view hard-core pornography to treat their depression.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
This article is dedicated to Miss Kellie Kat Thompson, a most beautiful and cherished being

Forklift Removes Cat From Home Filled With Toilet Paper Rolls


Edmonds, WA

Edmonds firefighters cut a hole in the roof of a home today to extricate a cat from his second-floor bedroom after his collection of toilet paper rolls finally trapped him there.

Benjamin, a 12-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, is a hoarder who started collecting empty toilet paper rolls in late 2004.

Rescue workers were called in by a neighbor, who saw Benjamin waving a white tube sock tied to a golf club out of a second story skylight, fire officials said.


Firefighters broke through the roof near a skylight to rescue the ensconced cat

Neighbor Ox, a 10-year-old Domestic Short Hair, said Benjamin is a convicted "shredophile" who suffers from disposophobia, or pathological hoarding, a psychological disorder that creates a constant, chronic need to collect toilet paper rolls that can be life-threatening and even lead to overeating.

Friends said the cat had not left his home since 2006.

Benjamin told firefighters he had survived by breathing through a plastic McDonald’s drinking straw and eating stale Cheez-Its for two weeks while awaiting rescue.


Neighbors said Benjamin had not left his home since 2006

Benjamin admitted he started collecting toilet paper rolls as a hobby, but soon the craving for more rolls and a need to keep them caused significant impairment in functioning and eventually led to his self-entrapment.

Fire workers brought in a forklift high enough to raise a platform to a hole cut into the roof near the skylight where Benjamin was ensconced.

Firefighters covered the cat with a large blue tarp to shield him from onlookers and slid the platform into an ambulance for a trip to Harborview Hospital.


Reports said Benjamin started collecting rolls in late 2004

Neighbors admitted at one point they saw a visibly disturbed Benjamin “leaning out a second story window hanging toilet paper rolls in the upper branches of a fir tree.”

Professionals said Benjamin is most likely a “Level III Hoarder,” meaning he may suffer from chronic disorganization and require services in addition to those a professional psychologist and related professionals can provide.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Benjamin Photos: Thanks to Sarah D. & Benjamin via email

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Local Cat Says He Built Entire House Without A Level


Seattle, WA

A local cat heavily concerned with the environment decided he could build an entire home using only "found materials," and recycling everything, right down to the nails.

To build the home, he stole wood, glass, bricks, molding, and even nails from neighbors and friends. He couldn’t find a level, but that didn’t stop him.

“It took only two months to build,” said Duncan Donut, a 6-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair from Seattle. “Whenever I needed to measure something I pretty much just guessed.”


Duncan admitted that being “cross-eyed” didn’t help much

Where most cats prefer “new” above all else, Duncan says building new homes out of existing materials is the only true way to reduce his carbon footprint.

"I was determined to do this. I pulled the nails right out of some people's decks so I wouldn't have to go to Home Depot," he said.

“Think of the cats driving around in Prius cars covered with ‘think green’ bumper stickers,” Duncan continued. “If they really wanted to be ‘green’ they’d be re-vamping old diesel Volkswagen Rabbits and driving them, not buying newly made products.”

Duncan said it was just that sort of hypocrisy that led him to build his own home out of what he calls “scavenged materials.” He said that building the home for the most part was relatively easy, although being cross-eyed did not help him.


Cross-eyed wife Mabel says she still gets “…a bit dizzy”

“Oh, I won’t tell you that there’s a few places in the house where the floor isn’t level,” he said. “But as long as you watch where you walk and watch your head you’ll be okay.”

“I get a little sick myself,” wife Mabel says of the uneven floors, windows, and tilting walls. But if I take Dramamine I’m alright.”

No matter what your taste may be, most agree the project was incredibly eco-friendly, with the exception of the 237 homeowners who now must go out and replace the wood, shingles, and rock that was stolen from their homes to build it.


Parts of this neighbor’s house were borrowed to make Duncan’s eco-friendly home

“Waking up on the wrong side of the bed is a common thing,” Duncan said. “It’s kind of hard not to since the bed is at about a 45 degree angle.”

One neighbor said he thinks it is the greatest idea he ever saw. “I myself suffer from severe vertigo, a balance disorder. But that place is so crooked it’s the only place I can walk straight.”

Duncan proudly boasts that his project is proof that you can make a good economical and ecologically-sound home by purchasing absolutely nothing.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Donuts, Apple Fritters, Linked To Tourette Cure, Study Finds


Seattle, WA

In a recent study of cats combating Tourette Syndrome, cats and kittens who ate donuts produced markedly increased amounts of dopamine, a chemical key to the brain's reward system that is scarce in the brains of cats with this disease.

Tourette Syndrome (also called Tourette’s Syndrome) is an inherited neuropsychiatric disorder common in females with onset in kitten hood characterized by multiple physical and vocal tics.

Cats with this disorder are faced daily with problems stemming from an apparent inability to stop swearing at others which often leads to them to being beaten up, tied up and stuffed into mailboxes.


Glazed donuts have long been prescribed to police officers for generalized and other anxiety disorders in the past

The findings show that eating donuts, especially apple fritters, directly regulates the brain's reward system into gear and could possibly help not just Tourette patients but a number of different illnesses, such as pork rind eating and chronic garage sale shopping.

No dopamine response occurred in control study cats given carrots or bugs even after being told they had a 50 percent to 100% chance of being cured by eating them.

Creole, a 9-year-old, spayed Domestic Short hair said the findings of the study have helped her treat her son Max, a victim of the strange disease.


Young Max’s Tourette’s is now more manageable with the prescribed use of donuts

“Everywhere we went (he’d) scream ‘monkey ass’ or ‘sugar fart tart,” Creole said. “It was very embarrassing, now I give him a donut and he shuts up.”

In the study, the researchers used PET scans to examine whether cats’ expectations of getting a donut would be related to the amount of dopamine released in their brain after they ate it.

They randomly assigned 35 hostile, swearing-prone cats to be informed that they had a 25 percent chance, 50 percent chance, 75 percent chance, or 100 percent chance of receiving a drug to help their condition. All but five were given donuts.


Beaten many times in the past for repeatedly calling her brother a whore, Matilda is now grateful there is hope in sight in the form of a donut

"We lied to everyone, but the cats who ate the donuts just didn’t care,” one researcher stated. “The implications of this study are far reaching and good for the baking industry.”

Researchers first demonstrated a relationship between the donut effect and dopamine release in police officers nineteen years ago and say this research is only the beginning.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Toilet Paper Tastes Bad, Cats Say


Mukilteo, WA

Local cats gathered in a town hall-styled forum Monday night to debate the merits of eating toilet paper.

Seventeen cats in all, ranging in age from 1 to 14 years of age met in the local library to discuss outcomes and long term expectations.

"Toilet paper tastes bad," said Muggles, a 4-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. "Really bad, but for some odd reason, I still try a bit off every new roll."


"I think toilet paper tastes bad" said Muggles

Cats noted no matter what was eaten with the toilet paper, it still tasted awful. One cat stated toilet paper was problematic when caught in the teeth.

Quilted toilet paper was deemed the easiest to rip apart and chew. Double-strength rolls were decidedly much harder to shred. Single-ply, cheap toliet paper was declared the easiest to rip the shit out of and create the biggest mess with.

Different colors, prints, and textures were discussed at length over coffee and fritters, but the result was quite often the same.


Paco has heard that colored toilet paper tastes really bad, too

Older cats recalled days of eating colered toilet paper, but with similar results.

"Colored toilet paper was a sort of fad of the late 70's and early 80's" said Paco, a 6-year-old,spayed, Domestic Short Hair, "I never saw any in my day, but I have heard rumor that it tasted nasty."

"We really aren't sure why Humans put it there, so we try it and see" said Panda, a 7-year-old former-Feral male. "It simply infuriates them. I believe this is why we do not quit doing it. It is interesting that humans react to us eating it. It is fun to make a real mess out of everything and then see them forced to clean it up"


Toilet paper tastes pretty bad

Easting of paper towels and bath towels was discussed, as well as the taste of dryer sheets, lint, socks, underwear, and t-shirts.

The discussion group will meet again, if needed, to discuss the merits of further toilet paper sampling studies or to propose mandate on effective toilet paper controlling and collecting.

There was discussion of the merits of using condiments on toilet paper in the future to possibly improve its taste. "I heard that models in New York City eat toilet paper so they don't gain weight," said Ziggy, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair, "It just makes me wonder if they are on to something there."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma

Sunday, October 3, 2010

"Birth Control Glasses" Successful In Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies, Study Finds


Seattle, WA

In the future, cats who decide they want to have kittens later in life may have an easy option, a removable contraceptive device that stops potential partners from approaching and ultimately stopping pregnancies from occurring.

A recent 2 year study conducted by Planned Parenthood concluded last week has proven the efficacy of the devices preventing unwanted pregnancies.

In the study 100 cats ranging in age from 2 to 9-years-old, were fitted with ugly pairs of thick glasses and sent into bar rooms filled with drunk males.


Layla, a Boeing engineer, said the glasses are the best birth-control device she has ever used

In the bar room-type experiments the unsightly glasses quickly deterred even the most obviously inebriated males from attempting to hustle, grab at, feel up, or mate with the females.

In the two years the cats wore the glasses, none of them became pregnant. Females polled said the main benefit to the glasses is they do not require the removal of the ovaries and involves no pain or daily pills.


Disco said "No one's hit on me yet..."

The ugly glasses are thought to prevent the production of sex hormones by males, and the device is simply taken off when the time for having kittens is right.

The glasses were the idea of one cat, Jasper, a 15-year-old Domestic Short Hair. Jasper is a consulting physician at Planned Parenthood and based the project on his own dating experiences.

Males agreed the glasses are so ugly and off-putting to that an estimated 20,000 unwanted kitten pregnancies are believed to have been avoided.


Boo-Boo said that when his wife Clementine puts the glasses on, he isn’t “…turned on at all”

“I don’t want kittens until I am married.” said Layla, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The glasses mean they (males) won’t even come near me, I feel it is the right thing to do. They are the best birth-control device I have ever used.”

The "Birth Control Glasses" have been hailed as a Godsend by many females, who credit the glasses with putting a halt on their previously wild and promiscuous behavior and allowing them to focus on their studies.

The glasses are currently available only in Seattle. Similar in appearance to a set of glasses for humans, they are simply placed upon on the cat’s face to deter would-be suitors.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Friday, October 1, 2010

Local Spider Takes Credit For Successful Three Car Accident


Everett, WA

A local spider today claimed responsibility for a successful three car crash that spun the days of more than seven Humans into a tailspin.

Frederico Gagnon, a 6-month-old Brown Recluse Spider, who lives in Edmonds, was hitching a ride to work inside a Human’s car when the female driver began to text and drive.

“I hate it when (Humans) do that,” said Frederico. “They know it’s dangerous and can cause accidents, but they do it anyway.”


The three car pile up stopped traffic for hours and led to mayhem

Frederico said he’d hitched rides from the Human in the past from Edmonds to his office at Boeing‘s Everett plant, where he is employed as a web designer.

“I’d fallen asleep, actually. I‘d had a late night,” Frederico said. “She’d driven past my stop, so I had to get her to stop somehow or I‘d be late again.”

“All it took was for me to run across her leg, that was it,” he stated. “She saw me and freaked. She dropped her cell phone and crashed into two other cars, screaming.”


A cat who saw the accident claimed he was “giddy”

Frederico said he then calmly grabbed his briefcase, exited the vehicle, giggled, and walked one block back to his office, unseen.

Elated as causing the mayhem, he told his co-workers of his success and they all toasted him with cooler water and chocolate chip cookies.

One cat who saw the accident claimed he was “giddy” and admitted he had all too often “underestimated spiders” in the past.


Friends gave Frederico a big high five for his victory

“It was so fun to sit there for a moment and watch those (Humans) point fingers and blame each other,” Frederico said.

“Anytime you can mess up the day of a Human, it’s a victory for all species,” said co-worker David, a 1-year-old Funnel Web Spider who is originally from Australia. “We are proud of his on-the-spot ingenuity and celebrate the day.”

There were no serious injuries and ultimately the accident was blamed on the initiating car’s female operator having been using a cell phone at the time of the crash.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette