Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Local Cat Says He Lived In Fear After Farting In Crowded Elevator


Seattle, WA

A local cat and father of three admitted today that he has been living in fear ever since he farted in a crowded elevator.

Willie, a 1-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, had recently eaten a shredded pork and bean burrito at Taco Del Mar when he entered the crowded elevator to return to work.

“All of I sudden, I knew I was (going to fart)," Willie said. "I was scared. There were many cats in the elevator, it was packed,” Willie remembers. “It was hot and it seemed like the buttons for every floor had been pushed.

Willie said he did the best he could to keep the fart from escaping. He said he clenched his teeth, stared at one spot on the wall, and pressed all four feet solidly below him in an effort to keep it from squeezing out.


This air-tight elevator was the site of the incident

"Before I knew it, I farted," he said. "At first it was a ghost-like whisper, I had some hopes at first that it would stay silent. But then it transformed into a roaring motorcycle-like clickety-clack. Then it was all over."

"Everyone on the elevator froze," he continued. "It was like the Ice Queen from Narnia cast a spell on them, they were that still. No one acknowledged the fart."

Witnesses said cats on the elevator were still and silent, as if somehow through their stillness they could actually reverse time and make it (the fart) not have happened.

"There was a definite loud, ripe peal," said witness Kellie, a 12-year-old, spayed, Siamese Mix, who is a legal secretary and was also in the elevator when the fart occurred.


Witness Kellie said she heard a “ripe peal”

"It was truly terrifying, not knowing if people knew that it was me (who farted) or not," Willie stated. He said he was so hard hit by the fart incident that he became depressed and considered switching careers to protect his family.

“Someone wrote ‘Willie is a farter’ on the men’s bathroom wall and I felt terrible,” he said. “It was like someone knew and they wanted to exploit me.”

Workers in the office are certain the notoriety from the incident will eventually dissipate, and business will go back to normal soon. No one is in any way certain that Willie actually was, in fact, the farter.


Willie said he just wanted to protect his family

“There were about nine other cats from my office on that elevator,“ witness Kellie said. “It could have been anyone, really."

“It was very hard. I tried to put myself in (the farter’s) position and thought how they might feel if they’d let the fart," Kellie continued. “There’s just nothing good about it.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Willie’s Cat Photos: Gracias Monica Contreras, Mexico City
Kellie Kat Photo: Thanks to Kellie Kat, Gearhart, OR

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Local Cat Charged In Inflatable Snowman Murder


Edmonds, WA

A cat accused of killing a giant inflatable snowman last month told police he beat on and stabbed the snowman because it would not stop smiling at him, according to newly filed court documents.

The victim, Jack, a 2-year-old, nylon and mesh Inflatable Snowman, was originally from Wal-Mart.

Lorenzo the Cat, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair, who is a retired Tom Ford model, is being held on a $10 million bond after appearing today in court charged with one count of murder in the first degree.


Lorenzo the Cat once graced the covers of GQ, Men’s Health, and other publications

Lorenzo was arrested at his home on December 8th, 2009, accused of beating Jack to death with a plastic Bob’s Big Boy bank and stabbing him repeatedly with a butter knife.

The incident took place in front of Lorenzo's 2-year-old kitten. It stunned friends and family, and was gruesomely detailed in a recorded conversation with a 911dispatcher.

“Daddy is killing the snowman,” said the frantic kitten to a 911 dispatcher who alerted police and local refrigeration repair units. Police later said Lorenzo hit the snowman repeatedly with the plastic bank, then stabbed him, ended his life.


This young Big Boy bank also lost his life in the atrocity

The young witness told Edmonds police he was lying on the couch resting when he saw signs of struggle outside the living room window, according to documents.

Coroner reports state the snowman succumbed due to blunt force trauma to the head. Police said Lorenzo had killed the snowman in a fit of wild rage.

Sadly, it was Jack’s last day on the job. Hired for a holiday stint as a cheerful, yard decoration, he was planning a boating trip with his wife and three snowballs to Lake Tahoe upon his return home.


Jack and his family were avid boaters, according to friends

The incident leaves Jack’s wife Fiona, a disabled, 4-year-old snowwoman without much hope to support her family. She was brutally mugged by a Pug wielding a hair dryer 2 years ago. She suffered melting injuries and lost both ears and a limb, leaving her unable to do many office jobs.

“I’m really not sure what we are going to do for money now,” said Fiona. “Office people don’t like me near computers or electronics because I drip. Finding a job will be very hard.”

Lorenzo Photo under copyright: Courtesy of Lorenzo
Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Friday, December 3, 2010

Banana Creme Pie Shortage Looming, Scientists Warn


Seattle, WA

Diners and bistros everywhere may be facing dire menu updates if researchers are correct that banana crème pie populations are in decline.

North American Banana Crème Pies are an indigenous species native to buffet restaurants, casinos and diners in suburban parts of the U.S.

Most crème pies claim origins circa the 1700’s and have sub-species including chocolate, vanilla, lime, coconut, and peanut butter.


Paul, who spearheaded the study, is a life-long fan of banana crème and is a creme pie conservationist

Banana crème pies grew wealthy in the late 70’s and had low rates of unemployment up until the health food fads of the 2000s, when emphasis on “carb-counting” naturally selected them for decline.

“This is natural selection at work,” said Paul, the 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair who spearheaded the study. “These days cats are opting for healthier desserts and the (crème pies) just can’t adapt.”

As a result, thousands of banana crème pies die helplessly every day in their shiny, glass cases as they are passed over for healthier dessert options.


Untold numbers of banana crème pies are left to die right in their own homes

Out of 18 banana crème pie populations in the Everett-Lynnwood area 14 have plummeted and have not bounced back.

No strangers to struggle, banana crème pies had to fight various attempts by brownies, éclairs and even crème puffs over the years to control their dominance in diner culture.

Checking for trends in the banana crème pie population can be very difficult because banana crème pies are notoriously hard to count. “Being sneaky is pie-like behavior,” Paul said.


Andy joined the scientists last year in their search for answers in the widespread decline in banana crème pie population

“Losing banana crème pies can upset they way ecosystems work,” explained Andy, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “Banana crème pies often ranked as top diner desserts, but now cats are passing on them for a number of reasons.”

No data were given on state-wide pie population, but Andy noted worrisome indicators coming from diners operating in Yakima and Wenatchee.

“Some (banana crème) pie populations seem to be doing well,” he continued. “But overall the trend is alarming. The pies are on in a straight-line decline.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Friday, November 26, 2010

Sudden Loss Of Microwave Leaves Local Cat Grief Stricken, Devastated


Edmonds, WA

Evelyn, a 7-year-old, spayed Domestic Long Hair whose microwave broke at the end of summer, said she finds life without it “difficult and uncertain” and says she has been devastated by the loss.

Evelyn told the Gazette her microwave, a 10-year-old General Electric named Jeff made a funny smell one evening and “just quit” on her.

At first she blamed herself for the microwave’s misbehavior, but later said she could find no catalyst for the event. Without the microwave Evelyn said it takes a grueling 3-4 minutes or more to heat water for her cocoa.


You don‘t really ever know when something is going to be ready” Evelyn said

“After 10 years together he suddenly refused to do what I asked,” she said of the microwave she’d shared a home with since buying the house back in 2000. “At first I was mad at him, then I realized he was dead.”

Asked in an interview whether she missed being able to easily re-heat coffee, leftovers or make microwave popcorn at will over the past months, Evelyn was unequivocal.

”I do (miss it), and it’s been a difficult time,” she said. “It’s a hardship. If I want something to eat I actually have to cook.”


Friends said making nachos at Evelyn’s home now takes “far too long”

“You don’t realize how easy your life is when you have a microwave, you take them for granted,” Evelyn said. “Everything is ready to eat in 1 or 5 minutes, but cooking without those certainties is terrifying.”

Friends of the microwave said before he died he’d told them he had “had enough” of Evelyn’s controlling behavior. He told friends he felt stuck in their relationship and was “tired of her pushing his buttons” all the time.

In her grief, Evelyn said she finds the inability to calculate exactly how long it takes to heat water up “terrifying” even when it comes to something as simple as making condensed tomato soup from a can.


"I can't even imagine having to actually use a stove" said one concerned neighbor

“I’ve got a wonderful community of people who are praying for me every day,” she said. “They call and offer to heat me up a burrito, but it’s not the same as having your own microwave,” she said.

Evelyn said she was unaware of the depth of Jeff’s feelings but did say at one point when he began routinely burning her microwave popcorn she’d offered to go to marriage and family therapy but said he refused to leave his spot over the stove.

Evelyn said she had “not yet” decided upon a make and model regarding a new microwave, but she did say she would possibly start looking at ads on craigslist, where many of her single friends had luck meeting appliances before.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Monday, November 15, 2010

New Study Finds Food Habit Forming


Seattle, WA

A survey of about 500 Seattle-area cats revealed that of cats who eat food, almost a third worry about becoming addicted to it and wanting to eat it again. Those surveyed said they are now scared and dread becoming “just like everyone else.”

More than a third said that they'd heard that eating was a “good normal thing.” But nearly three-quarters reported that food made them happy, and more than half agreed with the statement, saying "I love it."

Twenty-five percent agreed that food seemed like a good thing to eat when hungry , and that when it came to addiction, the benefits outweighed the risks.


Foods like this are thought to be habit-forming

The survey was done in early December of last year by a graduate anthropology class in research methods taught by a group of University of Washington professors.

The research subjects were fed food, which was instrumental in stopping hunger and providing satiety. 70% of the cats surveyed said they would prefer eating food to small bits of plastic, dust bunnies, or pencil erasers.

"One of the most striking things we saw in the after-interviews was just how much cats liked food," said one of the assistants. "Once a cat ate food, it seemed there was an almost 90% chance they would want to eat again."


Twenty-five percent agreed that food seemed like a good thing to eat when hungry

Food, is believed to produce an initial pleasurable effect, followed by a “rebound” effect called hunger.

"We have not begun to understand the cognitive and social impact of food,” the survey said. “Those who become addicted to it will be looking for it three, maybe four times a day.”

Moggy, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair who participated in the study said food appeared to be a clever way to "get energy and use it as a source of nourishment.”

“After the first time…I was hooked” said Moggy

Given the choice of eating nothing or eating food, 89% of cats surveyed chose food.

“Food is like methamphetamine for your stomach,” said another professor. “Once you eat it, you will always want more and the search for ever increasing amounts of food could lead to social withdrawal, apple fritter eating, and crime.”

Copyright Sharyn Thoma
Moggy Pic: Thanks to Jack

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Spike In Pumpkin Suicides Following Halloween Blamed On Depression


Edmonds, WA

Yesterday a 3-month-old pumpkin named Betty, who had been deployed for the previous weeks as a Decorative Hand-Carved Halloween Pumpkin, died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Lynnwood.

Early this morning a 4-month-old Pumpkin named Chuckles was found smashed dead in the street after an apparent jump from a two-story building. Hours later, another 4-month-old pumpkin was found dead by suicide.

These and another staggering 44 pumpkin suicides in the greater Edmonds area forced local cats to announce plans they were conducting an exhaustive investigation and review to identify remaining pumpkins who are or may be at risk for suicide at this time.


“The intense fear of being made into a pie can be a silent killer,” said Dr. Spankin

Statistics from the Bureau for Pumpkin, Squash and Gourd Health (BPSGH) show over 90 percent of pumpkins who die by suicide have a mental illness at the time of their death, and the most common mental illness is depression.

Mental health practitioners cite evidence of abuses (both physical and mental) inflicted by Humans during the Halloween and Thanksgiving season as major psychological contributors to the problem.

“Pumpkins at Halloween can feel taken advantage of,” said Dr. Brad Spankin, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. He stated family members can often be totally unaware a problem even exists.


Chuckles’ friends now sadly mourn his death and say they wish they had seen the warning signs

“Being turned into a holiday decoration can leave (the pumpkin) unable to deal with a situation they perceive as humiliating, leading to depression,” he said.

Dr. Spankin started a pumpkin suicide survivor support group after his own Halloween Pumpkin committed suicide some 4 years ago.

Chuckles’ cousin Rita, who is a Gourd, said the stigma of being displayed as a Halloween Pumpkin had “finally gotten to (Chuckles).” She said Chuckles told her he was “feeling very hollow inside” just days before he leapt to his death.


Signs of depression in pumpkins can include both binge drinking and obsessive behaviors

Chuckles told friends he feared being made into pumpkin pie or having his seeds roasted and “could not take the stress” of an uncertain future any longer. He told others he felt “trapped” being kept on the family’s front porch, but sadly never sought professional help.

More than 38,000 leftover Halloween Pumpkins are believed to be still living in the Edmonds-Lynwood area.

Cats are working hard to reduce the stigma for pumpkins against seeking mental help, and plan on introducing a host of programs and campaigns aimed at convincing pumpkins to watch out for warning signs among their comrades and get counseling if they need it.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Monday, November 8, 2010

Local Cat Beaten In Bar Fight Over Pretzel


Edmonds, WA

A local cat was beaten in a bar brawl that involved 6 cats Saturday evening, police said.

The cat, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Tater Tot is in satisfactory condition at Stevens Hospital.

The fight reportedly broke out after Tater made a “quick move” on the last peanut butter-filled pretzel left in the bowl on the barroom countertop.


Peanut butter-filled pretzels are tasty snacks with a sordid history of causing battles

"All of a sudden some guys surrounded Tater," said a witness. "One of them, who had a bald shaved head, started to tease him and told him he was cute. Then another cat appeared and he hit (Tater) in the face before taking the last pretzel.”

Witnesses said this started a physical argument between Tater and the cat, who hit him repeatedly in the face with a stainless steel drink muddler.

Other guests of the club allegedly helped to pull the two apart from each other. The rowdy cat took off into the men’s bathroom to eat the pretzel.


This Pug was kicked unconscious by a cat who then fled the scene

Early in the investigation it wasn't known what caused the fight, which broke out around 11:45 p.m. at Harvey‘s Lounge on Aurora Avenue.

Since that time witnesses have come forward to relate who had claim on the last pretzel.

Witnesses said Tater and another unidentified cat had been discussing (the pretzel) politely, saying “’you take it, no you take it,’” the witness said.


The fight occurred last night at Harvey’s Lounge on Aurora Avenue

A group of cats who had been watching grew angry at the discourse and forced their way to the bar to claim the pretzel and the fight broke out. One cat knocked a small Pug unconscious and repeatedly kicked him before fleeing the scene.

The manager said the cats involved were regulars at the bar but it was not clear to him who should have had the last pretzel.

Witnesses told police a cat later exited the men’s room breathing heavily and smelling like peanut butter with salt on his chin.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Cat Who Took On Plastic Pumpkin Called A “Hero”


Lynnwood, WA

A local cat was hospitalized this morning after being brutally attacked by a violent Orange, Plastic Halloween Pumpkin outside a home in Lynnwood, following a trend showing these type of vicious attacks on the rise.

Ginger Jasper, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair told the Gazette he was bringing groceries in from the car when he heard a terrifying squeal.

“I looked over my shoulder and one of those nasty pumpkins had my son cornered,” he told police in a statement. “At first I thought they were playing, but then I realized those screams were not play screams and I went to get help.”


Plastic pumpkins can be vicious and prone to attack if empty and hungry

Ginger Jasper said a neighbor heard the screams and dashed over to help. When the pumpkin saw Ginger Jasper, it quickly let go of his son, Happy, an 8-month-old, stuffed, Polyester and Cotton Disney Dwarf and attacked him instead.

“The pumpkin's jaw was locked down on (Happy’s) arm after it attacked him,” neighbor Fizzy said. “It tore into his arm, but once he got turned around, he saved his son from that beast.”

Neighbors said the two cats wrestled the pumpkin to the ground, bashing it’s large, pre-formed plastic head on the concrete and scratching at its painted-on, triangular eyes until it broke its grip and rolled away into the bushes.

Having saved his son from the pumpkin attack, neighbors and police are calling Ginger Jasper a hero.


Ginger Jasper’s bravery spared the life of son, Happy

The first three weeks of October saw more attacks by plastic pumpkins than all of last year combined, an International Plastic Pumpkin Watchdog Group said Tuesday.

"The bad economy is the major reason for the spike," said a local police officer. “These plastic pumpkins are hungry for Halloween candy and are willing to maim and rob anyone they can find to get it.”

The increase in attacks has forced many cats to patrol pumpkin gang hotspots such as doorstops and entryways. Over the past four weeks, plastic pumpkins have mounted a substantial 255 attacks, compared with 190 in all of 2008, the Bureau said.

Plastic Halloween Pumpkins are capable of many types of attack, most tend to be defensive, such as when the pumpkin is hungry and is threatened.

If the pumpkin is large, experts suggest playing dead, which lets the pumpkin know you are not a threat, which can cause it to back off.


Plastic pumpkins are dangerous when hungry or threatened, say experts

If the pumpkin is after Halloween candy, it is best to drop it and back away. If the pumpkin presses, experts say be aggressive: shout, bang on objects, or use pepper spray to scare it off.

Many pumpkins are trained fighters, others are young thugs enlisted for the job. Experts say they often go out and simply wait for a target. When they find one, the pumpkin bully smaller cats and move in, typically with 2 to 3 other armed pumpkins in tow.

“All I know is that we are all glad to be alive,” said Ginger Jasper. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had the Halloween candy in the car and that was what the pumpkin was after. You have to be very careful.”

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Ginger Jasper Photos: Thanks to Carol Pugh
Pumpkin Photos: Random

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Working, Jobs, Linked To Depression, Study Finds


Seattle, WA

A new study out of the University of Washington suggests cats and other animals who spend time working or studying run the risk of developing depression.

Since the 1990s working at a job whether hourly or salaried has been identified as a major predictor of future depression.

Having a job has been linked with relationship problems, health problems, aggressive behavior, peanut butter addiction and other psychiatric symptoms, they said.


A psychotic break forced Ling Mao to take a disability leave after just two hours of data entry work

"Given the results obtained from the study, even mentally healthy young kittens may succumb to depression after just a few hours of work,” said Oliver Roundbottom, a 6-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair who pioneered the project.

Subjects who performed light office work and made color copies cried on average 59% more often than subjects who were at home asleep.

Billy, a 2-year-old Vampire Bat said he experienced post-traumatic stress symptoms after using white-out to make corrections for his boss.

Two cats and one Pug in a focus group experienced devastating mental breakdowns after a lunch meeting ran late by just ten minutes. “The mental health consequences of working are devastating," said Roundbottom.


Billie said he “still cries” every time he imagines using white-out

At the start of the study researchers classified 0.2% of the participants as being depressed and 2.9% as seriously at risk.

After a 4-hour work shift, participants were re-assessed for depression and anxiety. Researchers found 88% had symptoms of anxiety and 97% had become depressed, itchy and confessed to suicidal ideation.

The conclusive findings support the previous long held belief that cats and other animals should not work, study or try to concentrate.


Roundbottom said the consequences of working are "devastating"

Researchers state the results of any type of labor, whether real or imagined, may result in the manifestation of insidious, debilitating psychological disorders.

Those subjected to work were given psychological counseling after the conclusion of the study and given recommendations to gamble, binge-eat and view hard-core pornography to treat their depression.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
This article is dedicated to Miss Kellie Kat Thompson, a most beautiful and cherished being

Forklift Removes Cat From Home Filled With Toilet Paper Rolls


Edmonds, WA

Edmonds firefighters cut a hole in the roof of a home today to extricate a cat from his second-floor bedroom after his collection of toilet paper rolls finally trapped him there.

Benjamin, a 12-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, is a hoarder who started collecting empty toilet paper rolls in late 2004.

Rescue workers were called in by a neighbor, who saw Benjamin waving a white tube sock tied to a golf club out of a second story skylight, fire officials said.


Firefighters broke through the roof near a skylight to rescue the ensconced cat

Neighbor Ox, a 10-year-old Domestic Short Hair, said Benjamin is a convicted "shredophile" who suffers from disposophobia, or pathological hoarding, a psychological disorder that creates a constant, chronic need to collect toilet paper rolls that can be life-threatening and even lead to overeating.

Friends said the cat had not left his home since 2006.

Benjamin told firefighters he had survived by breathing through a plastic McDonald’s drinking straw and eating stale Cheez-Its for two weeks while awaiting rescue.


Neighbors said Benjamin had not left his home since 2006

Benjamin admitted he started collecting toilet paper rolls as a hobby, but soon the craving for more rolls and a need to keep them caused significant impairment in functioning and eventually led to his self-entrapment.

Fire workers brought in a forklift high enough to raise a platform to a hole cut into the roof near the skylight where Benjamin was ensconced.

Firefighters covered the cat with a large blue tarp to shield him from onlookers and slid the platform into an ambulance for a trip to Harborview Hospital.


Reports said Benjamin started collecting rolls in late 2004

Neighbors admitted at one point they saw a visibly disturbed Benjamin “leaning out a second story window hanging toilet paper rolls in the upper branches of a fir tree.”

Professionals said Benjamin is most likely a “Level III Hoarder,” meaning he may suffer from chronic disorganization and require services in addition to those a professional psychologist and related professionals can provide.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette
Benjamin Photos: Thanks to Sarah D. & Benjamin via email

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Local Cat Says He Built Entire House Without A Level


Seattle, WA

A local cat heavily concerned with the environment decided he could build an entire home using only "found materials," and recycling everything, right down to the nails.

To build the home, he stole wood, glass, bricks, molding, and even nails from neighbors and friends. He couldn’t find a level, but that didn’t stop him.

“It took only two months to build,” said Duncan Donut, a 6-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair from Seattle. “Whenever I needed to measure something I pretty much just guessed.”


Duncan admitted that being “cross-eyed” didn’t help much

Where most cats prefer “new” above all else, Duncan says building new homes out of existing materials is the only true way to reduce his carbon footprint.

"I was determined to do this. I pulled the nails right out of some people's decks so I wouldn't have to go to Home Depot," he said.

“Think of the cats driving around in Prius cars covered with ‘think green’ bumper stickers,” Duncan continued. “If they really wanted to be ‘green’ they’d be re-vamping old diesel Volkswagen Rabbits and driving them, not buying newly made products.”

Duncan said it was just that sort of hypocrisy that led him to build his own home out of what he calls “scavenged materials.” He said that building the home for the most part was relatively easy, although being cross-eyed did not help him.


Cross-eyed wife Mabel says she still gets “…a bit dizzy”

“Oh, I won’t tell you that there’s a few places in the house where the floor isn’t level,” he said. “But as long as you watch where you walk and watch your head you’ll be okay.”

“I get a little sick myself,” wife Mabel says of the uneven floors, windows, and tilting walls. But if I take Dramamine I’m alright.”

No matter what your taste may be, most agree the project was incredibly eco-friendly, with the exception of the 237 homeowners who now must go out and replace the wood, shingles, and rock that was stolen from their homes to build it.


Parts of this neighbor’s house were borrowed to make Duncan’s eco-friendly home

“Waking up on the wrong side of the bed is a common thing,” Duncan said. “It’s kind of hard not to since the bed is at about a 45 degree angle.”

One neighbor said he thinks it is the greatest idea he ever saw. “I myself suffer from severe vertigo, a balance disorder. But that place is so crooked it’s the only place I can walk straight.”

Duncan proudly boasts that his project is proof that you can make a good economical and ecologically-sound home by purchasing absolutely nothing.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Donuts, Apple Fritters, Linked To Tourette Cure, Study Finds


Seattle, WA

In a recent study of cats combating Tourette Syndrome, cats and kittens who ate donuts produced markedly increased amounts of dopamine, a chemical key to the brain's reward system that is scarce in the brains of cats with this disease.

Tourette Syndrome (also called Tourette’s Syndrome) is an inherited neuropsychiatric disorder common in females with onset in kitten hood characterized by multiple physical and vocal tics.

Cats with this disorder are faced daily with problems stemming from an apparent inability to stop swearing at others which often leads to them to being beaten up, tied up and stuffed into mailboxes.


Glazed donuts have long been prescribed to police officers for generalized and other anxiety disorders in the past

The findings show that eating donuts, especially apple fritters, directly regulates the brain's reward system into gear and could possibly help not just Tourette patients but a number of different illnesses, such as pork rind eating and chronic garage sale shopping.

No dopamine response occurred in control study cats given carrots or bugs even after being told they had a 50 percent to 100% chance of being cured by eating them.

Creole, a 9-year-old, spayed Domestic Short hair said the findings of the study have helped her treat her son Max, a victim of the strange disease.


Young Max’s Tourette’s is now more manageable with the prescribed use of donuts

“Everywhere we went (he’d) scream ‘monkey ass’ or ‘sugar fart tart,” Creole said. “It was very embarrassing, now I give him a donut and he shuts up.”

In the study, the researchers used PET scans to examine whether cats’ expectations of getting a donut would be related to the amount of dopamine released in their brain after they ate it.

They randomly assigned 35 hostile, swearing-prone cats to be informed that they had a 25 percent chance, 50 percent chance, 75 percent chance, or 100 percent chance of receiving a drug to help their condition. All but five were given donuts.


Beaten many times in the past for repeatedly calling her brother a whore, Matilda is now grateful there is hope in sight in the form of a donut

"We lied to everyone, but the cats who ate the donuts just didn’t care,” one researcher stated. “The implications of this study are far reaching and good for the baking industry.”

Researchers first demonstrated a relationship between the donut effect and dopamine release in police officers nineteen years ago and say this research is only the beginning.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Toilet Paper Tastes Bad, Cats Say


Mukilteo, WA

Local cats gathered in a town hall-styled forum Monday night to debate the merits of eating toilet paper.

Seventeen cats in all, ranging in age from 1 to 14 years of age met in the local library to discuss outcomes and long term expectations.

"Toilet paper tastes bad," said Muggles, a 4-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. "Really bad, but for some odd reason, I still try a bit off every new roll."


"I think toilet paper tastes bad" said Muggles

Cats noted no matter what was eaten with the toilet paper, it still tasted awful. One cat stated toilet paper was problematic when caught in the teeth.

Quilted toilet paper was deemed the easiest to rip apart and chew. Double-strength rolls were decidedly much harder to shred. Single-ply, cheap toliet paper was declared the easiest to rip the shit out of and create the biggest mess with.

Different colors, prints, and textures were discussed at length over coffee and fritters, but the result was quite often the same.


Paco has heard that colored toilet paper tastes really bad, too

Older cats recalled days of eating colered toilet paper, but with similar results.

"Colored toilet paper was a sort of fad of the late 70's and early 80's" said Paco, a 6-year-old,spayed, Domestic Short Hair, "I never saw any in my day, but I have heard rumor that it tasted nasty."

"We really aren't sure why Humans put it there, so we try it and see" said Panda, a 7-year-old former-Feral male. "It simply infuriates them. I believe this is why we do not quit doing it. It is interesting that humans react to us eating it. It is fun to make a real mess out of everything and then see them forced to clean it up"


Toilet paper tastes pretty bad

Easting of paper towels and bath towels was discussed, as well as the taste of dryer sheets, lint, socks, underwear, and t-shirts.

The discussion group will meet again, if needed, to discuss the merits of further toilet paper sampling studies or to propose mandate on effective toilet paper controlling and collecting.

There was discussion of the merits of using condiments on toilet paper in the future to possibly improve its taste. "I heard that models in New York City eat toilet paper so they don't gain weight," said Ziggy, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair, "It just makes me wonder if they are on to something there."

Copyright Sharyn Thoma