Local Bats Angered At Racial Slur

Forks, WA

An attorney defending three local kittens in a robbery case apologized yesterday for saying his clients' behavior regarding the crime was "bat-shit crazy."

A group of local Vampire Bats, noting that "bat-shit crazy" is a derogatory slur against those of Chiropterian descent, are up in arms and say lawyer Tyrone, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair, should have been more sensitive.

The three kittens on trial, Diva, Ben, and Smudge, are all 6-month-old Domestic Short Hairs. They stand accused of felony charges of breaking and entering at a house in Forks, where they reportedly stole over 6 kilos of pure cane sugar.

"It's something that is clearly offensive to my race," District Attorney Herman, who is a 3-year-old Vampire Bat, stated to the Gazette.


The triplets are accused of stealing over 6 kilos of sugar

Tyrone the Cat, the 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair defending the kittens, who graduated Yale, summa cum laude, with a degree in Criminal Law, said he wasn't familiar with that particular epithet and said he had intended no offense.

"It was just a remark, and sadly, it was ill chosen by me due to the fact it was offensive to some persons, specifically the District Attorney, who is also a bat," Tyrone said. "That was entirely unintentional, and I am so truly sorry for it."

Tyrone further stated that he was simply trying to get the idea out to the jury that what the kittens had done clearly had no motive and was, in fact, bat-shit crazy, and that the words just ‘flew’ from his mouth.


Tyrone said the words accidentally ‘flew’ from his mouth

One other Vampire Bat (who refused to be named) was sitting as a member of the jury and said when he heard the racial slur, he lowered his head in shame at the outright humiliation it caused him.

District Attorney Herman asked that the jury be ‘dismissed with prejudice’ and the case be retried in a new jurisdiction free from an environment of bat-hate.

“No one should have to work in the kind of environment where racial slurs are thrown at you left and right,” he stated. “If you can’t say ‘retarded’ anymore then why should you be allowed to say ‘bat-shit crazy?’ It is a negative and presumptuous reflection on my culture.”


Diva insists “I am not bat-shit crazy”

Some city leaders in ClallamCounty have been accused of having anti-bat leanings in the past and this recent event has only heated up arguments between the two cultures.

Nearly 240 Vampire Bats lined the streets outside the Clallam County Courthouse this morning with signs to protest after hearing about the incident.

Tyrone said repeatedly that he only intended to imply that the kittens had acted out in a ‘crazy’ way and stated that for anyone to infer from his comment that all bats are crazy was not intended.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large
Tyrone the Cat photo is Copyrighted

Creeping Ivy Acquitted Of Double Tree Murder

Sequim, WA

A clump of Ground-Creeping Ivy accused of murdering 2 trees was acquitted Friday in Clallam County Court on grounds of insanity.

In early 2017 the ivy, a 15-year-old clump of English Ivy named Harry, was dug up and charged with strangling to death 79-year-old Harold and 89-year-old James, both Douglas Firs, at Carrie Blake Park.

The jury heard testimonies from over twenty-six prosecution witnesses who live in and around the park and were present on the day of the murders.


“James was my favorite tree to pee on,” said witness Gatsby

Prosecutors described for the jury the tendency of ivy to be aggressive and destructive to trees and walls, pointing out Harry had been “opportunistic and aggressive with malice aforethought” in his attack on his victims and asked for a verdict of guilty of murder in the first degree and a life sentence.

Botanists for the defense pointed out there is no direct evidence ivy is specifically dangerous when growing on trees of any kind, but admitted the situation can become dangerous if there is competition for resources.

Witness Gatsby, a 2-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair stated the trees and ivy had been fighting over territorial rights for years and that this incident “had been a long time coming.”


Witness Gareth, who is a Concolor Fir, once lived at the park where the murders occurred

Psychiatrists for the defense claimed the crime was an “accident” which occurred because Harry’s innate behavior created a parasitic need for soil nutrients and water.

With his ability to reason flawed, they argued, he was not of sound mind when the deaths occurred. Harry thus lacked the mental capacity at that moment to realize what he was doing was morally wrong.

Doctors recommended hospitalization and a plea of not guilty by reason of insanity. They argued the defendant should be contained in a small, secure area to prevent the compulsion to re-offend.


Judge Raven of Edmonds said he was relieved the case was fainally over

After a grueling 72-hour session the jury returned a unanimous verdict of not guilty by reason of insanity.

Harry was later removed from the Clallam County Jail and re-planted at a local nursery for hospitalization, pruning, and psychiatric treatment.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Local Cat Trapped In Sofa Crack For 3 Hours Says Crumbs In Cracks Kept Her Alive

It was longest ordeal of Peaches' life.

The 13-year-old Calico, who is a telemarketer, was watching TV Thursday night when she slipped and found herself ensconced in a large sofa crack.

She was about to shut the TV off and go back to bed, when the sofa cushions just "...Seemed to open up and grab me," she said. Peaches screamed for help, even called 911 on her cellphone, but 911 operators just laughed at her, and hung up. It would be nearly three hours before Peaches was rescued.

She twisted and turned, like a bug trapped in a web, fighting claustrophobia every minute of this grueling 3-hour ordeal, which was accidentally captured on a Nanny-Cam video surveillance camera.

Peaches is a telemarketer for Sears by trade

"After a certain amount of time I knew I was in big trouble," Peaches told "The Kitty City Gazette" today in an exclusive interview.

She had no watch, no food, candy, or water. Her only sustenance was Dorito crumbs she managed to find under the sofa cushions. "Dorito crumbs aren't a very good meal," she said,"they only make you want more Doritos."

The the most difficult part of the ordeal, she said, was going 3 hours without a French Cruller,a favored donut of hers. At one point, Peaches said she had terrible hallucinations about the sweet, tasty, donut.

"I will never call 911 for help again," Peaches said

She relieved herself by "...Peeing a bit, down into the rear of the sofa," she said. "I hoped that might be a signal to anyone behind me to think 'why is the sofa leaking?'"

Deprived of her bi-hourly naps, Peaches lay upside down in the sofa crevasse, trying to stay calm. Then she started counting sheep to pass the time. At one point she shredded and pried open one side cushion and screamed for help. The only response was silence.

She rang the 911 operators again, but couldn't take their constant laughing and teasing, so she simply gave up.

Split-screen Nanny-Cam video footage of the home showed other parts of the home, including three other sofas. The video showed cats occasionally napping on them, but no one seemed to hear her, or even give a crap.

Not a religious cat, Peaches prayed for help. After a terrifying three hours, Peaches, who was nearly delirious from hunger, exhaustion, and thirst, heard a laughing voice on the intercom asking if anyone needed help. Finally, she was rescued.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Vicious Calico Kitten Sought In Connection With Possible String of Yarn Store Robberies

Clallam County, WA

Multiple yarn-and-knitting supply shops in Clallam County have been hit by armed robberies recently and police are looking into the possibility that the same suspect is responsible.

Recently opened Local Yarn Shop in Sequim was hit Tuesday afternoon. Police say the shop on 213 East Washington Street was robbed by a lone, calico kitten who presented a note demanding yarn or string and brandishing a squirt-gun in her waistband. The cashier handed her yarn, and some twine, and she fled on foot.

The naughty calico reportedly stole 22 feet of yarn and some string from this location in Sequim.

The Sleepy Valley Quilt Company on 1017 East Front Street in Port Angeles was hit on Monday around 2:30 p.m. A small, calico suspect entered the restaurant, brandished a squirt-gun and handed a note to an employee demanding thread, needles, and some batting. She took the goods and fled on foot.

A short time later, a Jo-Ann Fabric and Crafts on East First Street was hit by a suspect using a similar method. Police responded to a robbery call around 4:00 p.m. Authorities said the calico had a squirt-gun and demanded fabric, an acrylic ruler, and embroidery thread from the store.

By the time officers arrived, the armed suspect had run off and was nowhere to be found.

Security cameras caught this kitten along with a ginger accomplice, just one day ago

Multiple yarn-related robberies have taken place throughout the county in the last month and the description of the robbery suspect has been very similar each time. Surveillance cameras from two recent robberies captured images of a suspect, who authorities describe as a vicious, calico kitten, about 14-18 weeks old, with tattoos on her arms.

Authorities were working to confirm whether the same kitten is responsible for all the robberies in the county, including a recent hit at a Wal-Mart in the city of Sequim yesterday.

The total number of heists is at least 23 in the month of July. It is believed the suspect is dangerous and plans on using the stolen materials to make a pretty quilt, police say.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Jobs For Beavers Hit All-Time Low, Study Finds

Port Angeles, WA

Chick, a 15-year-old, North American Beaver, had just given birth to her second child. She was two weeks back from maternity leave at her dam when she was called into a supervisor’s office.

"I’m sorry, but you need to be looking for other employment," her manager told her.

Chick worked as a lineman, scaling telephone poles for Verizon. She suddenly found herself coping with the grief of being unemployed after yet another customer reported having seen her chewing down the giant wooden telephone poles she worked on. Twelve months later, she's still out of work.


Southern Yellow Pine is the most widely used and delicious species in the United States

"It's a vicious cycle for a beaver," Chick said. “It was hard to climb tree poles all day and not chew down at least a few.”

Most utility poles are made of wood. Southern Yellow Pine is the most widely used and delicious species in the United States. Other varieties include Douglas Fir, Jack Pine, Lodgepole Pine, Western Red Cedar, and Pacific Silver Fur.

Chick is not alone. She is among the 21.5 percent of unemployed beavers, almost twice the rate of unemployment for cats. The figure was included in a new report released today on the state of beavers by the National Urban League.


Harold once owned a prosperous landscaping business

In addition, beaver-owned businesses have reported major third quarter losses. They represent a paltry 5% of privately owned companies and the study said more are needed to help spur job growth in beaver communities.

“I owned a landscape business, I used to do pretty well,” said Harold, a 12-year-old North American Beaver. Harold did admit that his beaver instincts have caused him to lose more than a few jobs.

“I remember once working on an infinity pool for a customer,” Harold recounted. “Before I knew it I had cleared the woods and dammed up her pool, (the owner) was not happy.”


Harold said “before he knew it” he’d cleared the woods and dammed up a client's pool

Harold said he tried taking a job at Office Depot, but was fired after only a week for constantly sharpening and eating pencils. "They taste good," he said.

The report presented other sobering statistics on the difficulties of keeping a job as a beaver. Beavers said they face racial discrimination and are looked at as a minority due to their “semi-aquatic” and “primarily nocturnal” status.

The report also said the beavers’ near-constant harvesting of trees and flooding of waterways interfered with job duties.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Missing McDonald’s Value Meal Apparent Victims Of Hit And Run, Police Say

Sequim, WA

The bodies of a McDonald’s Value Meal, who mysteriously had disappeared the previous day, were found crushed dead yesterday on Hendrickson road, a sad ending to one cat’s heart-wrenching search for an answer.

Officials are awaiting autopsy results to officially identify the value meal, but wrappers indicate it was a Big ‘N Tasty Meal, complete with french fries, ketchup packets, and extra salt. They even found a napkin, police stated.

Forensic examiners on the scene used tire tread marks and ketchup spatter patterns to determine the cause of death as hit and run. The bodies were seen and reported to police by a local cat while out walking his dog, who had no comment.


Geronimo has been “devastated and hungry” since the meal abandoned him

The meal had been reported missing the previous afternoon, when a local cat who had been about to eat the meal on a picnic table said the entrees “suddenly all darted off the table at once and fled into the woods.”

Geronimo, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair, said he was very hungry at the time and wondered what he’d done to spark (the meal's) ire. “Even the ketchup packets left,” he said.

Left sitting at the table alone with no lunch, Geronimo said he began to cry, wondering what he had done to cause them to flee. After a short time he became concerned and notified police.


The McDonald’s Meal reportedly ran off this wood and concrete picnic table and ran off into the surrounding woods

Detectives said yesterday that the discovery of the remains of the meal on heavily-traveled Hendrickson road came at the end of an exhaustive search that covered most of the Clallam Bay area.

About 20 cats gathered at the scene yesterday to watch officials scrape the remains of the McDonald‘s meal off the wet pavement.


Witnesses silently watched the remains of the Meal being removed from the grisly, greasy, and salty, crime scene

“It’s very sad, but at least Geronimo finally has closure,“ said a neighbor, who also stated that since the meal’s disappearance, Geronimo had refused to eat anything at all, for fear of it too, running away.

Police said the investigation is being treated as vehicular manslaughter, and that he could only speculate as to what happened during the time in between when the meal went missing and the time the bodies were discovered. “It’s possible (the McDonald’s Value Meal) were just all huddled together somewhere, trying not to get eaten, and were subsequently hit by an irresponsible driver.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Talking To Themselves In The Third Person Can Help Pugs Control Emotions, Study Says

Sequim, WA

If you are a pug, the simple act of silently talking to yourself in the third person during stressful times may help you control emotions without any additional mental effort than what you would use for first-person self-talk, the way pugs normally talk to themselves.

A first-of-its-kind study led by pug psychology researchers at Peninsula College indicates that such third-person self-talk may constitute a relatively effortless form of self-control.

Say a pug named Lawrence is upset about recently being seen tying himself up with a bra then playing with dolls, and is subsequently dumped by his girlfriend. By simply reflecting on his shamed feelings in the third person ("Why is Lawrence upset?"), Lawrence is less emotionally reactive than when he addresses himself in the first person ("Why am I upset?").

Pugs are all too often the victims of cruel bullying and shaming actions

"Essentially, we think pugs who refer to themselves in the third person leads pugs to think about themselves more similar to how they think about others, and you can see evidence for this in the brain," said Mr. Wiggles, a 5-year-old Pug, who is a professor of psychology. "That helps pugs gain a tiny bit of psychological distance from the experiences, which can often be useful for regulating emotions."

In one experiment, pugs viewed neutral and disturbing images such as eating a shoe or wishing they were a cat, and reacted to the images in both the first and third person while their brain activity was monitored by an electroencephalograph. When reacting to the disturbing photos (such as a man threatening to take their dolls away), pugs' emotional brain activity decreased very quickly when they referred to themselves in the third person.

In another experiment, participants reflected on painful experiences from their past, such as being made to wear silly outfits, being called "fattie," "bug-eyed," or "butt-face," using first and third person language while their brain activity was measured using functional magnetic resonance imaging, or FMRI.

Pugs are often laughed at and teased for their high levels of personal anxiety and emotional outbursts

Similar to the first study, pugs displayed less activity in a brain region that is commonly implicated in reflecting on painful emotional experiences when using third person self-talk, suggesting better emotional regulation. Further, third person self-talk required no more effort-related brain activity than using first person.

"What's exciting here," Mr. Wiggles said, "is the brain data from these two complimentary experiments suggest that third-person self-talk may constitute an effortless form of emotion regulation, and all pugs hate to exert effort, but are commonly victims of mockery and bullying"

Peninsula College said their pug teams are continuing to collaborate to explore how third-person self-talk compares to other cathartic, emotion-regulation strategies, like tearing shit up, and pooping under beds.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large
Top photo courtesy of Kim Hanson

Dopamine-Related Activity Of Food & Reward May Explain Crazy Ass Squirrel Behavior

Port Angeles, WA

Research to be presented at the Meeting of the Society for the Study of Squirrel Behavior (SSSB) finds that squirrels who possess genetic modifications associated with low activity of the reward neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain when eating appetizing foods are more prone to weight gain.

Using Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI), the food reward regions of the brain were measured and tested while squirrels ate and reacted to items such as extra-crunchy peanut butter, broccoli, cheeseburgers, mung beans, Nutter Butter cookies, beets, and raw kale.

In the five-year study, scans of volunteer squirrel brain activities revealed squirrels who had lower activity in food reward “pleasure” regions of the brain and who had genetic modifications associated with lower dopamine activity showed the greatest weight gain after one year.


Some squirrels seem to go to extremes out of an apparently constant hunger

Aragorn, a 14-year-old Scottish Fold from Olympic College, who led the study, said “These findings provide some of the first prospective evidence that squirrels who experience a blunted reward from food may compensate by over-gathering, over-burying, and later overeating, binge-like behaviors, and increasing risk for unhealthy weight gain.”

Thus squirrels’ seemingly obsessive over-gathering, over-burying, and later over-eating of foods may simply occur as a sad, unconscious attempt to increase the brain’s pleasure reward in less responsive squirrels.

“It would really explain some of the frantic, aberrant, and crazy-ass behaviors exhibited by some squirrels,” Aragorn said, “The ones outside my office can’t seem to ever get enough to eat and sometimes act hyper, erratic and scary (sic).”


Even adult cats have reportedly been terrified by the erratic behaviors of food-seeking squirrels

The results of this study highlight the need for further research into the role that neural reward systems play in the development of squirrel obesity. Hopes are that more and more squirrels will come in for testing and be made aware of this possible genetic pre-disposition.

“It may be useful for squirrels who show low food-related reward to increase their physical activity, which not only promotes activity in the same reward circuitry, but also reduces unhealthy weight gain from constant overeating” said Aragorn.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large