Cat Caught Picking His Nose In Car Issues Public Apology

Sequim, WA

A local cat known for his reputation as Sequim's top realtor today issued a formal apology after he was caught picking his nose while seated in his car the previous week.

Police reports state Vito, a 9-year-old, neutered Scottish Fold, was driving home from his office when he stopped at a stoplight on Sequim Avenue.

An anonymous witness reported seeing him "...glance around quickly, then promptly stick a finger fully up his nose, picking it."


This witness saw the entire nose picking incident

In the wake of the incident, Vito tried to relay that the nose picking was, in fact, an accident caused by "unforseen sudden forward acceleration" by his car.

The witness who reported the event stated that once Vito saw he had been caught, he promptly removed his finger and pretended to merely be examining the skin on his nose in the mirror of the car until the light turned green and he drove off, leaving the witness and her three kittens shocked.

"Oh, he was picking his nose, believe you me," the witness said to police. "He had that telling look on his face, and he did it in full view of my three young kittens, all of them were exposed to that behavior."


The incident happened on this public street

While not explicitly admitting to having picked his nose, Vito in a press conference pleaded for privacy in a heartwarming mea culpa.

"I have let my family down and I regret (the act) with all of my heart," Vito said to a crowd. "I have not been true to my values. I am not without fault here and I am far short of perfect."

Vito went on to say that he does not now nor did he ever approve of nose picking in public, regardless of city or state laws.


These two cats were arrested just last month for public nose picking

"I am dealing with my behavior and failings behind closed doors," he stated. "I am very sorry for those who were affected by my shameful behavior."

The witnesses to the dramatic event are said to be in satisfactory condition after being screened by a mental health practitioner.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Brave NETFLIX Envelope Narrowly Escapes Death

Sequim, WA

A NETFLIX envelope who was attacked by a U.S. Postal employee says he lived only because the postal worker dropped him after he punched it repeatedly in the mouth.

Chester, a 6-month-old, red and white DVD Mailing Envelope, is recovering in the hospital from top and corner injuries. He had an operation on his flap and is awaiting surgery on his seam. He told reporters he thought he was moments from death during the attack, but managed to crawl away to his car.

Chester, who works for NETFLIX, was taking a walk in the woods near his home with his boyfriend Donovan, when he says a postal worker in a blue shirt and short pants suddenly charged at him, snorting and grunting.


Boyfriend Donovan fled the scene and watched the event unfold while safely hidden under a car

Donovan, a 9-year-old, neutered, White Persian, said he "...peed himself a little," then ran away and hid under their car, terrified.

Chester said he managed to climb up a nearby tree, but the postal worker cornered him. “I turned around and just saw (his) big face looking at me,” he said.

The envelope bravely recalled “kicking the postal worker's nose” which caused him to retreat, but said he only grew angrier and attacked again. Chester said (the postal worker) grabbed his upper right red corner and flung him into a dirt pile.


Postal workers are said to be very dangerous, can carry numerous diseases, and aren’t paid very much

“I gave him a really bad paper cut,” Chester said. “It drew a lot of blood, (the postal worker) really winced.” Chester said he then fell to the ground and was briefly knocked out.

After regaining consciousness, despite a torn corner, a broken seal, and an illegible to-and-from address, Chester managed to crawl back to his car and get inside. Donovan also climbed into the vehicle and drove them to Olympic Hospital.

Chester’s sister, Harriett, a 9-month-old, blue and yellow retired Mailing Envelope who once worked for Blockbuster Video, was in awe of his brave survival.


Donovan, who is a total wuss, said “courage has never been one of my stronger qualities…”

“We're a very lucky family to have him still with us," she said. “When the doctor’s first started to tell me, well…I thought he was licked for sure, but he triumphed.”

"It was a pretty big postal worker,“ Chester said from the safety of his hospital bed. “I thought I was dead…I thought that was the end of my life and all I could do was try to fight, stay alive or whatever.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Massive Iceberg Breaks Off Cat's Popsicle In Sequim, Sparking Fears Of Global Warming

Sequim, WA

A massive iceberg weighing more than one trillion tons has broken away from a Cherry-Flavored-Popsicle owned by a cat in Sequim, according to a paper published today in the journal Nature.

Scientists from Project ICEPOP had been monitoring the crack in the Popsicle, the third-largest found in the United States, following the collapse of a local pug's Popsicle back in 2014, and had been closely observing significant advances in this newest cracked Popsicle over the past 12 months.

Experts said a 2,239-square-mile section of the Popsicle was confirmed to have broken away sometime between Monday and Wednesday, a crack so large it was seen by NASA's Aqua MODIS satellite.

Sadly, the Popsicle was taken away from the unnamed cat for his own safety

"We have been anticipating this event for months, and have been surprised how long it took for the rift to break through the final inches of the Popsicle," professor Dutch, a 14-year-old, Scottish Fold of Peninsula College and lead investigator of the project, said in a statement.

He said the team believes the rest of the Popsicle, also Cherry, has remained intact adding, "This is the normal behavior of a Popsicle, this is not due to global warming or climate change. Although we feel bad for the young cat who planned on eating it, it is not an unnatural Popsicle event."

Dutch believes the newly created Popsicle chunk, likely to be named A68, has a volume the size of Delaware.

"There will be no immediate global impact," Dutch said. "This Popsicle calving event does not directly affect anyone, and repercussions, if there are any, will not be felt for years. However, it is a spectacular flavor and we should all keep on purchasing and eating Popsicles in the future."

Scientists said the calving of Popsicles, even if sugar-free, happens all the time. It's significantly more important when the very last parts of a Popsicle break away, when you start losing precious, tasty, chunks on the floor or carpet, but this area has a long way to go before that happens.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Local Pug Caught Playing With Dolls Arrested, Again

Sequim, WA

A dog who allegedly videotaped a friend playing with a "My Little Pony" doll at his home in Seattle back in 2005 is now accused of playing with Barbie Dolls in Sequim.

Poindexter, a 13-year-old, neutered Pug, was arrested and charged Tuesday night on 4 counts of playing with dolls, a Class 3 felony in Washington State. Big Poppa, a 14-year-old, neutered, Domestic Short Hair cat who lives with Poindexter in the Sequim area, was also charged with 2 counts of the same crime.

“This is one of the most upsetting days I've ever dealt with,” Clallam County Sheriff Brian, a 4-year veteran of the force said in a statement to the press.


Big Poppa was not afraid to hide his love for dolls in the crudely-made home videos police discovered

Poindexter and Big Poppa are each being held on more than $100,000 bail in the Clallam County Jail.

According to an arrest warrant, Poindexter engaged in role-playing acts with Barbies, Bratz, and even Polly Pocket dolls at the home over a span of several months.

A complaint from a concerned neighbor prompted an investigation. A cat reportedly saw Poindexter playing excitedly in the front yard with the dolls, even “mimicking girly voices,” the witness said, and promptly e-mailed investigators a camera photo of the Pug, who appeared to be having a tea party with the dolls.


Police confiscated this dollhouse and others like it at the suspects’ home

Authorities acting on the tip quickly went to the property, which detectives said is situated only one mile away from a toy shop, and found an entire cache of Barbie and Bratz dolls, furniture, play houses, quilts, and clothing.

Detectives said it appeared the two males had been having “serious tea, pool, and other parties with the Barbies and other dolls in recent weeks.”

Reports said authorities recovered thousands of pictures of Poindexter engaging himself in doll-play, even going so far as to “dress himself up in pink, frilly aprons and hats, serving food and snacks to the inanimate, plastic dolls.”


Poindexter has entered an “Alford plea” in the hopes of saving his name

"This is not over, more charges are coming," police said. "They've been having tea parties with dolls," detectives told The Gazette. "(Poindexter) has been here for four years and it looks like this has been going on for some time, he ought to be ashamed, a grown dog playing with dolls like that.”

Back in 2005, Poindexter was identified by police as having made multiple videotapes of himself and his cat friend Big Poppa ‘playing horsey’ and having sleepovers with My Little Pony dolls, authorities said.

Poindexter appeared in court Friday and entered an Alford plea, a type of "not guilty" plea meaning he did not admit guilt but acknowledged a jury likely would convict him if he went to court.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Cat Who Got Stuck In Tree Made Prank Calls, Ordered Pizzas, Police Say

Sequim, WA

A local cat who spent nearly 32 hours perched in-between two large trees in Sequim was charged Tuesday with first-degree malicious mischief and second-degree assault. Betsy, a 9-year-old Calico, is scheduled to be arraigned on July 17th.

In charging documents filed in Clallam County Superior Court, prosecutors are also asking a judge to issue a no-contact order banning Betsy from going near the large, towering oaks just outside of Sequim High School.

SWAT and firefighters responded to Hendrickson Street and South Sequim Avenue around 12:20 p.m. on July 9th after Betsy allegedly threw an apple core at someone from (the tree), giggled, climbed about 10 feet higher up the oak tree, and started making phone calls.

Betsy reportedly took 23 naps during the incident

SWAT officials said Betsy pelted police and firefighters with chunks of bark and branches ripped from the tree as well as leaves, prosecutors allege. Several passers-by and cars were struck by the bark, police said. One officer suffered a cut on the ear from a “really big” piece of tree bark, and two others were struck on the arm.

During the 32 hours that Betsy was in the tree, she took 23 naps, made 128 prank-calls on her cellular phone, laughed at police negotiators, spit on people, ordered pizzas, and earned a sizable Twitter following as #BetsyInTree. Betsy finally climbed down Monday afternoon.

Prosecutors wrote the incident resulted in a response from more than 62 police officers, negotiators, crisis-response teams, botanists, telephone operators, and five full fire-engine companies.

Men and women who attempted to free her were pelted with debris from above

Betsy’s mother, Tiger Lili, of Joyce, Washington, said she had not talked to Betsy for about two days when a friend called saying she was on the news again, stuck in a tree.

Tiger Lili said she made numerous attempts to get Betsy help but was told there was nothing anyone could do unless she posed a danger to herself or others.

“There’s nothing we can do because she’s an adult and doesn’t think she needs help,” she said. “It feels very hopeless.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Deadly Gas Explosion Caused By Fiber One Bars Not Faulty Pipeline, ATF Says

Sequim, WA

Three Sequim High School classrooms were completely destroyed yesterday by a terrifying series of gas explosions that killed nine cats and hospitalized 20 kittens.

Investigators sent from the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) concluded the gas emanated from a cat who ate an entire box of Fiber One granola bars rather than a crack in a gas pipeline as was previously believed.

The cat in question later admitted to the farts that caused the explosions.


Gas clouds reached up to 2,300 feet high, witnesses said

“The first thing I heard was a rumble, then all of the sudden a big explosion, like BOOM," said Chester, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The heat (from the farts) shot up the rows and the gas (from the farts) engulfed the classroom.”

The blasts shot a fireball into the air that consumed several wall maps and a globe in an instant. One cat was blasted free from his britches, which were incinerated by the dense heat.

After the initial explosions, NASA reported the (fart) gas clouds reached up to 2,300 feet high and could be seen from space.


“It was…like BOOM,” said Chester

Temperatures and odors from the blast were so extreme that when the first fire truck got to the scene, its windshield immediately cracked into shards and witnesses saw paint bubbling up on parked cars, one official said.

One lethal stinking fume crept out an open window and seared an eight inch hole through the soft canvas top of a 2006 Jeep Wrangler.

The (fart) explosion left a 15-foot crater at its epicenter.

Nine cats are dead while 20 others suffered first, second, and third-degree burns on their arms and tails from the radiating temperatures. One cat, who was seated in the classroom near the (farter), survived, but has a scalded pink bald stripe down the center of his skull to remind him of the terrifying incident.


Fiber One bars are well known to cause gas attacks and have been linked to terrorist groups since 2007

ATF investigators crawled the pipes under the building and determined them to be safe, they then captured and questioned a cat, who had been seen two days before,hiding Fiber One Bar wrappers under some rocks.

“Now that the source of the (farts) has been determined and contained we are certain there is no longer a threat,” said Edmonds Fire Chief Cricket, a 13-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. “There has been a horrific tragedy, but the building is now safe.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Donut Who Had Heart Attack Blames Own Ingredients

Sequim, WA

A 2-day-old raspberry-filled, powdered, sugar-coated-donut named Ken, stated in court Friday that his heart attack was the fault of the bakery who made him.

A lawyer representing the donut claimed the Safeway bakery where he lived knowingly used trans-fat-laden oils in such an amount to cause the young donut’s heart attack.

Ken told a jury of 11 cats and one Pug he was taken home two days ago in a box along with 12 other donuts and was sleeping peacefully in a pink bakery box when his symptoms began.


Ralphie said he had “fully intended” to eat Ken until he noticed he was ill

"The next morning I got up and felt this really painful burning sensation in my middle and within 20 minutes I was losing my filling,” said Ken.

The cat who bought the donuts, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Ralphie, stated he thought at first the donut was “feigning his symptoms” to avoid being eaten.

Once he saw the donut was suffering he immediately put him in a napkin and rushed him to the ER at Swedish Hospital in Edmonds.


Safeway refused to comment for this story

EKGs done at Swedish Medical Center showed a serious, near-fatal heart attack. ER records indicate the donut had lost most of his powdered sugar coating and was lucky to be alive.

Doctors advised the donut the heart attack was most likely caused by trans-fats found in his system. They said the percentage was more than one third of the RDA allowance. Doctors performed a double-raspberry-bypass on the donut and he was sent home.


Doctors performed a double bypass on the donut in the ER

Safeway bakeries later countered in their opening statement that its extensive studies of the level of trans-fats in individual donuts showed no evidence it caused heart attacks with short-term use.

Safeway maintained that inactivity, such as laying around “doing nothing” in glass cases or in bakery boxes, not trans-fats, led to the heart attack. Jurors are expected to return a verdict next week.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large