Saturday, December 4, 2010

Local Cat Charged In Inflatable Snowman Murder

Edmonds, WA

A cat accused of killing a giant inflatable snowman last month told police he beat on and stabbed the snowman because it would not stop smiling at him, according to newly filed court documents.

The victim, Jack, a 2-year-old, nylon and mesh Inflatable Snowman, was originally from Wal-Mart.

Lorenzo the Cat, a 7-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair, who is a retired Tom Ford model, is being held on a $10 million bond after appearing today in court charged with one count of murder in the first degree.

Lorenzo the Cat once graced the covers of GQ, Men’s Health, and other publications

Lorenzo was arrested at his home on December 8th, 2009, accused of beating Jack to death with a plastic Bob’s Big Boy bank and stabbing him repeatedly with a butter knife.

The incident took place in front of Lorenzo's 2-year-old kitten. It stunned friends and family, and was gruesomely detailed in a recorded conversation with a 911 dispatcher.

“Daddy is killing the snowman,” said the frantic kitten to a 911 dispatcher who alerted police and local refrigeration repair units. Police later said Lorenzo hit the snowman repeatedly with the plastic bank, then stabbed him, ended his life.

This young Big Boy bank also lost his life in the atrocity

The young witness told Edmonds police he was lying on the couch resting when he saw signs of struggle outside the living room window, according to documents.

Coroner reports state the snowman succumbed due to blunt force trauma to the head. Police said Lorenzo had killed the snowman in a fit of wild rage.

Sadly, it was Jack’s last day on the job. Hired for a holiday stint as a cheerful, yard decoration, he was planning a boating trip with his wife and three snowballs to Lake Tahoe upon his return home.

Jack and his family were avid boaters, according to friends

The incident leaves Jack’s wife Fiona, a disabled, 4-year-old snowwoman without much hope to support her family. She was brutally mugged by a Pug wielding a hair-dryer 2 years ago. She suffered melting injuries and lost both ears and a limb, leaving her unable to do many office jobs.

“I’m really not sure what we are going to do for money now,” said Fiona. “Office people don’t like me near computers or electronics because I drip. Finding a job will be very hard.”

Lorenzo Photo under copyright: Courtesy of Lorenzo
Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Friday, December 3, 2010

Banana Creme Pie Shortage Looming, Scientists Warn

Seattle, WA

Diners and bistros everywhere may be facing dire menu updates if researchers are correct that banana crème pie populations are in decline.

North American Banana Crème Pies are an indigenous species native to buffet restaurants, casinos and diners in suburban parts of the U.S.

Most crème pies claim origins circa the 1700’s and have sub-species including chocolate, vanilla, lime, coconut, and peanut butter.

Paul, who spearheaded the study, is a life-long fan of banana crème and is a creme pie conservationist

Banana crème pies grew wealthy in the late 70’s, and had low rates of unemployment up until the health food fads of the 2000s, when emphasis on “carb-counting” naturally selected them for decline.

“This is natural selection at work,” said Paul, the 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair who spearheaded the study. “These days cats are opting for healthier desserts and the (crème pies) just can’t adapt.”

As a result, thousands of banana crème pies die helplessly every day in their shiny, glass cases as they are passed over for healthier dessert options.

Untold numbers of banana crème pies are left to die right in their own homes

Out of 18 banana crème pie populations in the Everett-Lynnwood area 14 have plummeted and have not bounced back.

No strangers to struggle, banana crème pies have had to fight various attempts by brownies, éclairs and even crème puffs over the years to control their dominance in diner culture.

Checking for trends in the banana crème pie population can be very difficult because banana crème pies are notoriously hard to count. “Being sneaky is pie-like behavior,” Paul said.

Andy joined the scientists last year in their search for answers in the widespread decline in banana crème pie population

“Losing banana crème pies can upset they way ecosystems work,” explained Andy, a 2-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “Banana crème pies often ranked as top diner desserts, but now cats are passing on them for a number of reasons.”

No data were given on state-wide pie population, but Andy noted worrisome indicators coming from diners operating in Yakima and Wenatchee.

“Some (banana crème) pie populations seem to be doing well,” he continued. “But overall the trend is alarming. The pies are on in a straight-line decline.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Spike In Pumpkin Suicides Following Halloween Blamed On Depression

Edmonds, WA

Yesterday a 3-month-old pumpkin named Betty, who had been deployed for the previous weeks as a Decorative Hand-Carved Halloween Pumpkin, died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Lynnwood.

Early this morning a 4-month-old Pumpkin named Chuckles was found smashed dead in the street after an apparent jump from a two-story building. Hours later, another 4-month-old pumpkin was found dead by suicide.

These and another staggering 44 pumpkin suicides in the greater Edmonds area forced local cats to announce plans they were conducting an exhaustive investigation and review to identify remaining pumpkins who are or may be at risk for suicide at this time.

“The intense fear of being made into a pie can be a silent killer,” said Dr. Spankin

Statistics from the Bureau for Pumpkin, Squash and Gourd Health (BPSGH) show over 90 percent of pumpkins who die by suicide have a mental illness at the time of their death, and the most common mental illness is depression.

Mental health practitioners cite evidence of abuses (both physical and mental) inflicted by Humans during the Halloween and Thanksgiving season as major psychological contributors to the problem.

“Pumpkins at Halloween can feel taken advantage of,” said Dr. Brad Spankin, a 9-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair. He stated fellow family members can often be totally unaware a problem even exists.

Chuckles’ friends now sadly mourn his death and say they wish they had seen the warning signs

“Being turned into a holiday decoration can leave (the pumpkin) unable to deal with a situation they perceive as humiliating, leading to depression,” he said.

Dr. Spankin started a pumpkin suicide survivor support group after his own Halloween Pumpkin committed suicide some 4 years ago.

Chuckles’ cousin Rita, who is a Gourd, said the stigma of being displayed as a Halloween Pumpkin had “finally gotten to (Chuckles).” She said Chuckles told her he was “feeling very hollow inside” just days before he leapt to his death.

Signs of depression in pumpkins can include both binge drinking and obsessive behaviors

Chuckles told friends he feared being made into pumpkin pie or having his seeds roasted and “could not take the stress” of an uncertain future any longer. He told others he felt “trapped” being kept on the family’s front porch, but sadly never sought professional help.

More than 38,000 leftover Halloween Pumpkins are believed to be still living in the Edmonds-Lynwood area.

Cats are working hard to reduce the stigma for pumpkins against seeking mental help, and plan on introducing a host of programs and campaigns aimed at convincing pumpkins to watch out for warning signs among their comrades and get counseling if they need it.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, November 8, 2010

Local Cat Beaten In Bar Fight Over Pretzel

Edmonds, WA

A local cat was beaten in a bar brawl that involved six cats Saturday evening, police said.

The cat, a 4-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair named Tater Tot is in satisfactory condition at Stevens Hospital.

The fight reportedly broke out after Tater made a “quick move” on the last peanut butter-filled pretzel left in the bowl on the barroom counter top.

Peanut butter-filled pretzels are tasty snacks with a sordid history of causing battles

"All of a sudden some guys surrounded Tater," said a witness. "One of them, who had a bald shaved head, started to tease him and told him he was cute. Then another cat appeared and he hit (Tater) in the face before taking the last pretzel.”

Witnesses said this started a physical argument between Tater and the cat, who hit him repeatedly in the face with a stainless steel drink muddler.

Other guests of the club allegedly helped to pull the two apart from each other. The rowdy cat took off into the men’s bathroom to eat the pretzel.

This Pug was kicked unconscious by a cat who then fled the scene

Early in the investigation it wasn't known what caused the fight, which broke out around 11:45 p.m. at Harvey‘s Lounge on Aurora Avenue.

Since that time witnesses have come forward to relate who had claim on the last pretzel.

Witnesses said Tater and another unidentified cat had been discussing (the pretzel) politely, saying “’you take it, no you take it,’” the witness said.

The fight occurred last night at Harvey’s Lounge on Aurora Avenue

A group of cats who had been watching grew angry at the discourse and forced their way to the bar to claim the pretzel and the fight broke out. One cat knocked a small Pug unconscious and repeatedly teased and kicked him before fleeing the scene.

The manager said the cats involved were regulars at the bar but it was not clear to him who should have had the last pretzel.

Witnesses told police a cat later exited the men’s room breathing heavily and smelling like peanut butter with salt on his chin.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Cat Who Took On Plastic Pumpkin Called A “Hero”

Lynnwood, WA

A local cat was hospitalized this morning after being brutally attacked by a violent Orange, Plastic, Halloween Pumpkin outside a home in Lynnwood, following a trend showing these type of vicious attacks on the rise.

Ginger Jasper, a 10-year-old, neutered, Domestic Long Hair told the Gazette he was bringing groceries in from the car when he heard a terrifying squeal.

“I looked over my shoulder and one of those nasty pumpkins had my son cornered,” he told police in a statement. “At first I thought they were playing, but then I realized those screams were not play screams and I went to get help.”

Plastic pumpkins can be vicious and prone to attack if empty and hungry

Ginger Jasper said a neighbor heard the screams and dashed over to help. When the pumpkin saw Ginger Jasper, it quickly let go of his son, Happy, an 8-month-old, Domestic Long Hair, and attacked him instead.

“The pumpkin's jaw was locked down on (Happy’s) arm after it attacked him,” neighbor Fizzy said. “It tore into his arm, but once he got turned around, he saved his son from that beast.”

Neighbors said the two cats wrestled the pumpkin to the ground, bashing it’s large, pre-formed plastic head on the concrete and scratching at its painted-on, triangular eyes until it broke its grip and rolled away into the bushes.

Having saved his son from the pumpkin attack, neighbors and police are calling Ginger Jasper a hero.

Ginger Jasper’s bravery spared the life of son, Happy

The first three weeks of October saw more attacks by plastic pumpkins than all of last year combined, an International Plastic Pumpkin Watchdog Group said Tuesday.

"The bad economy is the major reason for the spike," said a local police officer. “These plastic pumpkins are very hungry for Halloween candy and are willing to maim and rob anyone they can find to get it.”

The increase in attacks has forced many cats to patrol pumpkin gang hotspots such as doorstops and entryways. Over the past four weeks, plastic pumpkins have mounted a substantial 255 attacks, compared with 190 in all of 2008, the Bureau said.

Plastic Halloween Pumpkins are capable of many types of attack, most tend to be defensive, such as when the pumpkin is hungry or feels threatened.

If the pumpkin is large, experts suggest playing dead, this lets the pumpkin know you are not a threat, which can cause it to back off.

Plastic pumpkins are dangerous when hungry or threatened, say experts

If the pumpkin is after Halloween candy, it is best to drop the candy and back away. If the pumpkin presses, experts say be aggressive: shout, bang on objects, or use pepper spray to scare it off.

Many pumpkins are trained fighters, others are young thugs enlisted for the job. Experts say they often go out and simply wait for a target. When they find one, the pumpkin bully smaller cats and move in, typically with 2 to 3 other armed pumpkins in tow.

“All I know is that we are all glad to be alive,” said Ginger Jasper. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had the Halloween candy in the car and that was what the pumpkin was after. You have to be very careful.”

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large
Ginger Jasper Photos: Thanks to Carol Pugh

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Forklift Removes Cat From Home Filled With Toilet Paper Rolls

Edmonds, WA

Edmonds firefighters cut a hole in the roof of a home today to extricate a cat from his second-floor bedroom after his collection of empty toilet paper rolls finally trapped him there.

Benjamin, a 12-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair, is a hoarder who started collecting empty toilet paper rolls in late 2004.

Rescue workers were called in by a neighbor, who saw Benjamin waving a white tube sock tied to a golf club out of a second story skylight, fire officials said.

Firefighters broke through the roof near a skylight to rescue the ensconced cat

Neighbor Ox, a 10-year-old Domestic Short Hair, said Benjamin is a convicted "shredophile" who suffers from disposophobia, or pathological hoarding, a psychological disorder that creates a constant, chronic need to collect toilet paper rolls that can be life-threatening and even lead to overeating.

Friends said the cat had not left his home since 2005.

Benjamin told firefighters he had survived by breathing through a plastic McDonald’s drinking straw and eating stale Cheez-Its for two weeks while awaiting rescue.

Neighbors said Benjamin had not left his home since 2006

Benjamin admitted he started collecting toilet paper rolls as a hobby, but soon the craving for more rolls and a need to keep them caused significant impairment in functioning and eventually led to his self-entrapment.

Fire workers brought in a forklift high enough to raise a platform to a hole cut into the roof near the skylight where Benjamin was ensconced.

Firefighters covered the cat with a large blue tarp to shield him from onlookers and slid the platform into an ambulance for a trip to Harborview Hospital.

Reports said Benjamin started collecting rolls in late 2004

Neighbors admitted at one point they saw a visibly disturbed Benjamin “leaning out a second story window hanging toilet paper rolls in the upper branches of a fir tree.”

Professionals said Benjamin is most likely a “Level III Hoarder,” meaning he may suffer from chronic disorganization and require services in addition to those a professional psychologist and related professionals can provide.

Sharyn Thoma Guay reporter-at-large
Benjamin Photos: Thanks to Sarah D. & Benjamin via email

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Local Cat Says He Built Entire House Without A Level

Seattle, WA

A local cat heavily concerned with the environment decided he could build an entire home using only "found materials," and recycling everything, right down to the nails.

To build the home, he stole wood, glass, bricks, molding, and even nails from neighbors and friends. He couldn’t find a level, but that didn’t stop him.

“It took only eleven months to build,” said Duncan, a 6-year-old, neutered Domestic Short Hair from Seattle. “Whenever I needed to measure something I pretty much just guessed.”

Duncan admitted that being “cross-eyed” didn’t help much

Where most cats prefer “new” above all else, Duncan says building new homes out of existing materials is the only true way to reduce his carbon footprint.

"I was determined to do this. I pulled the nails right out of some people's decks so I wouldn't have to go to Home Depot," he said.

“Think of the cats driving around in Prius cars covered with ‘think green’ bumper stickers,” Duncan continued. “If they really wanted to be ‘green’ they’d be re-vamping old diesel Volkswagens, not buying newly made cars.

Duncan said it was just that sort of hypocrisy that led him to build his own home out of what he calls “scavenged materials.” He said that building the home for the most part was relatively easy, although being cross-eyed did not help him.

Cross-eyed wife Mabel says she still gets “…a bit dizzy”

“Oh, I won’t tell you that there’s a few places in the house where the floor isn’t level,” he said. “But as long as you watch where you walk and watch your head you’ll be okay.”

Most agree the project was incredibly eco-friendly, with the exception of the 237 homeowners who now must go out and replace the wood, shingles, and rock that was stolen from their homes to build it.

Parts of this neighbor’s house were borrowed to make Duncan’s eco-friendly home

“Waking up on the wrong side of the bed is a common thing,” Duncan said. “It’s kind of hard not to, since the bed is at about a 45 degree angle.”

One neighbor said he thinks it is the greatest idea he ever saw. “I myself suffer from severe vertigo, a balance disorder. But that place is so crooked it’s the only place I can walk straight.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Donuts, Apple Fritters, Linked To Tourette Cure, Study Finds

Seattle, WA

In a recent study of cats combating Tourette Syndrome, cats and kittens who ate donuts produced markedly increased amounts of dopamine, a chemical key to the brain's reward system that is scarce in the brains of cats with this disease.

Tourette Syndrome (also called Tourette’s Syndrome) is an inherited neuro-psychiatric disorder common in females with onset in kittenhood characterized by multiple physical and vocal tics.

Cats with this disorder are faced daily with problems stemming from an apparent inability to stop swearing at others which often leads to them to being beaten, dressed up, and stuffed into mailboxes.

Glazed donuts have long been prescribed to police officers for generalized and other anxiety disorders in the past

The findings show that eating donuts, especially apple fritters, directly regulates the brain's reward system into gear and could possibly help not just Tourette patients but a number of different illnesses, such as compulsive pork-rind eating and chronic garage sale shopping.

No dopamine response occurred in control study cats given carrots or bugs even after being told they had a 50 percent to 100% chance of being cured by eating them.

Creole, a 9-year-old, spayed Domestic Short hair said the findings of the study have helped her treat her son Max, a victim of the strange disease.

Young Max’s Tourette’s is now more manageable with the prescribed use of donuts

“Everywhere we went (he’d) scream ‘huge big monkey ass’ or ‘sugar fart tart,” Creole said. “It was very embarrassing, now I give him a donut and he shuts up.”

In the study, the researchers used PET scans to examine whether cats’ expectations of getting a donut would be related to the amount of dopamine released in their brain after they ate it.

They randomly assigned 35 hostile, swearing-prone cats to be informed that they had a 25 percent chance, 50 percent chance, 75 percent chance, or 100 percent chance of receiving a drug to help their condition. All but five were given donuts.

Beaten many times in the past for repeatedly calling her brother a whore, Matilda is now grateful there is hope in sight in the form of a donut

"We lied to everyone, but the cats who ate the donuts just didn’t care,” one researcher stated. “The implications of this study are far reaching and good for the baking industry.”

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Toilet Paper Tastes Bad, Cats Say

Mukilteo, WA

Local cats gathered in a town hall-styled forum Monday night to debate the merits of eating toilet paper.

Seventeen cats in all, ranging in age from 1 to 14 years of age met in the local library to discuss outcomes and long term expectations.

"Toilet paper tastes bad," said Muggles, a 4-year-old, spayed Domestic Short Hair. "Really bad, but for some odd reason, I still try a bit off every new roll."

"I think toilet paper tastes bad" said Muggles

Cats noted no matter what was eaten with the toilet paper, it still tasted awful. One cat stated toilet paper was problematic when caught in the teeth.

Quilted toilet paper was deemed the easiest to rip apart and chew. Double-strength rolls were decidedly much harder to shred. Single-ply, cheap toilet paper was declared the easiest to rip the shit out of and create the biggest mess with.

Different colors, prints, and textures were discussed at length over beer and fritters, but the result was quite often the same.

Paco has heard that colored toilet paper tastes really bad, too

Older cats recalled days of eating colored toilet paper, but with similar results.

"Colored toilet paper was a sort of fad of the late 70's and early 80's" said Paco, a 6-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair, "I never saw any in my day, but I have heard rumor that it tasted nasty."

"We really aren't sure why Humans put it there," said Panda, a 7-year-old former-Feral male. "It simply infuriates them. I believe this is why we do not quit doing it. It is interesting that humans react to us eating it. It is fun to make a real mess and then see them forced to clean it up"

Toilet paper tastes pretty bad

Eating of paper towels and bath towels was discussed, as well as the taste of dryer sheets, lint, socks, underwear, and t-shirts.

The discussion group will meet again, if needed, to discuss the merits of further toilet paper sampling studies or to propose mandate on effective toilet paper controlling and collecting.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Sunday, October 3, 2010

"Birth Control Glasses" Successful In Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies, Study Finds

Seattle, WA

In the future, cats who decide they want to have kittens later in life may have an easy option, a removable contraceptive device that stops potential partners from approaching and ultimately stopping pregnancies from occurring.

A recent 2 year study conducted by Planned Parenthood concluded last week has proven the efficacy of the devices preventing unwanted pregnancies.

In the study 100 cats ranging in age from 2 to 9-years-old, were fitted with ugly pairs of thick glasses and sent into bar rooms filled with drunk males.

Layla, a Boeing engineer, said the glasses are the best birth-control device she has ever used

In the bar room-type experiments the unsightly glasses quickly deterred even the most obviously inebriated males from attempting to hustle, grab at, feel up, or mate with the females.

In the two years the cats wore the glasses, none of them became pregnant. Females polled said the main benefit to the glasses is they do not require the removal of the ovaries and involves no pain or daily pills.

Disco said "No one's hit on me yet..."

The ugly glasses are thought to prevent the production of sex hormones by males, and the device is simply taken off when the time for having kittens is right.

The glasses were the idea of one cat, Jasper, a 15-year-old Domestic Short Hair. Jasper is a consulting physician at Planned Parenthood and based the project on his own dating experiences.

Males agreed the glasses are so ugly and off-putting to that an estimated 20,000 unwanted kitten pregnancies are believed to have been avoided.

Boo-Boo said that when his wife Clementine puts the glasses on, he isn’t “…turned on at all”

“I don’t want kittens until I am married.” said Layla, a 3-year-old Domestic Short Hair. “The glasses mean they (males) won’t even come near me, I feel it is the right thing to do. They are the best birth-control device I have ever used.”

The "Birth Control Glasses" have been hailed as a Godsend by many females, who credit the glasses with putting a halt on their previously wild and promiscuous behavior and allowing them to focus on their studies.

The glasses are currently available only in Seattle. Similar in appearance to a set of glasses for humans, they are simply placed upon on the cat’s face to deter would-be suitors.

Copyright The Kitty City Gazette

Friday, October 1, 2010

Local Spider Takes Credit For Successful Three Car Accident

Everett, WA

A local spider today claimed responsibility for a successful three car crash that spun the days of more than seven humans into a tailspin.

Frederico Gagnon, a 6-month-old Brown Recluse Spider, who lives in Edmonds, was hitching a ride to work inside a human’s car when the female driver began to text and drive.

“I hate it when (humans) do that,” said Frederico. “They know it’s dangerous and can cause accidents, but they do it anyway.”

The three car pile up stopped traffic for hours and led to mayhem

Frederico said he’d hitched rides from the Human in the past from Edmonds to his office at Boeing‘s Everett plant, where he is employed as a web designer.

“All it took was for me to run across her leg, that was it,” he stated. “She saw me and freaked. She dropped her cell phone and crashed into two other cars, screaming, it was awesome.”

A cat who saw the accident claimed he was “giddy”

Frederico said he then calmly grabbed his briefcase, exited the vehicle, giggled, and walked one block back to his office, unseen.

Elated as causing the mayhem, he told his co-workers of his success and they all toasted him with cooler water and chocolate chip cookies.

One cat who saw the accident claimed he was “giddy” and admitted he had all too often “underestimated spiders” in the past.

Friends gave Frederico a big high five for his victory

“Anytime you can mess up the day of a human, you should,” said co-worker David, a 1-year-old Funnel Web Spider who is originally from Australia. “We are proud of his on-the-spot ingenuity and celebrate the day.”

There were no serious injuries and ultimately the accident was blamed on the initiating car’s female operator having been using a cell phone at the time of the crash.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Bag Of Garbage Seen Wandering "Probably Homeless" Neighbors Say

Lynnwood, WA

Locals say a half-filled, black, Hefty Drawstring Garbage Bag seen prowling the 181st and 67th Avenue area this past week was most likely homeless.

The bag was spotted hiding near a tomato plant this past Monday and was last seen scurrying across the street on Friday night.

“We know he isn’t local,” said Max, a 12-year-old, neutered, Ginger Domestic Short Hair, who has lived in the area with his wife, Bianca, for the past 9 years. “Everyone around here uses cans, either metal or plastic, so a guy like that kinda...well, sticks out, you know what I mean?”

Max and his wife, Bianca saw the garbage bag

Cats who live in the small cul-de-sac have all reported things missing within the past week. Items like cigarette butts, a few empty cardboard boxes, and coffee grounds, led them to believe a homeless garbage bag was trying to support itself in the area.

Sadly, reports say that while single, white male cats comprise 44 percent of the homeless, single, Tortoise Shell female cats 13 percent, and cats with kittens 36 percent, unaccompanied, black, plastic garbage bags account for 7 percent of the total.

“I hate to think of garbage bags begging for scraps,” continued Max. “In this day and age when we all have so much for ourselves, it pains me to know there are folks out there suffering."

Margene saw the garbage bag through her kitchen window

“He scooted across the street fast. I felt really bad.“ said Max’s wife Bianca, a 9-year-old, Russian Blue, who saw the terrified bag last Wednesday. “He saw me and fled. A few dented, empty tuna cans clanked and fell out of him on his way up towards the next house.”

“At first I thought he was hooking up with Judy,” said neighbor cat Margene, a 13-year-old, spayed, Domestic Short Hair. “She got divorced a few months back and that’s just the sort of trash she’d hang out with.”

Margene said she first saw the garbage bag through the kitchen window while fixing waffles, saying he ‘ducked and tried to hide’ under a car, concealing himself from view. An anonymous neighbor later admitted that the bag told her it was looking for a place to sleep.

This Yard Waste can says he offered to help the lonely garbage bag

One particular 3-year-old, Plastic, Yard Waste Disposal Can said he saw the lonely garbage bag wandering around and offered to let him use his cell phone to call for help, but stated that the garbage bag admitted he had ‘no one’ to call.

A not so well-known fact about homelessness, 28 percent of homeless garbage bags said they sometimes or very often do not get enough to eat, compared with 15 percent of relatively-low income cats.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Monday, September 20, 2010

Support Grows For Limiting String in Local Schools

Edmonds, WA

A bill that would ban the sale of string and yarn in school vending machines and school stores is gaining momentum in the legislature, as Washington combats a troubling rise in school-age string addiction.

While cigarette smoking is at its lowest point in recent history, the non-medical use of string and yarn has increased during the last five years among 9th-grade kittens and remained unchanged among 8th- and 12th-graders.

Nearly 1 in 10 high school seniors reported non-medical use of string; 1 in 20 reported abuse of 100% cotton yarn.

Young Emmerich has been addicted to string since the first time he tried it recreationally at a party

When asked how string was obtained for non-medical use, 52 percent of kittens said they were given the string or had bought it from a friend or relative.

Others said it was sold in some vending machines found around campus right next to packages of cigarettes. Some 30 percent of kittens reported receiving a prescription for it, and a negligible number of 12th-graders reported purchasing the string over the internet.

The House passed a similar bill in January, after nearly a decade of debate on similar bills that went nowhere. Now, Senate officials have thrown their support behind the effort in hopes to keep string out of the hands of school-age kittens.

String has been confiscated at Lynndale Elementary over 57 times in the last week, according to police

“Everyone knows that using string adversely impacts a kitten’s ability to learn,’’ an official said in an interview. “(Everyone) is very alarmed about the high level of string addiction and more and more are becoming addicted every day. It’s a crisis.”

“You can’t just play with string once,” said Emmerich, a 2-year-old, Domestic Short Hair. “Once you try it you are hooked.”

Legislators say over 90% of kittens who try string become addicted after the first try. Upon first use, the user experiences an intense sensation, called a "rush" or "flash," that lasts only a few minutes and is described as extremely pleasurable.

This cat, who was addicted to purple and yellow yarn for five years, said he will do anything to see the bill get passed

String abusers can develop a tolerance quickly, needing larger and larger amounts of string to play with.

In some cases, users forego food and sleep to play with string every few hours for days, 'binging' until they shred it up into teeny-tiny little bits or become too disorganized to continue.

The President is urging Congress, as it overhauls the bill, to set standards for all string and yarn sold outside lunch and breakfast programs in the hopes of controlling this growing issue.

Sharyn Thoma-Guay reporter-at-large

Local Bats Angered At Racial Slur

Forks, WA An attorney defending three local kittens in a robbery case apologized yesterday for saying his clients' behavior regarding...